A Rose for the 4 of Us

I haven't posted for such a long time because I still haven't figured out what to do with my new environment or how to live in it. My new apt. is very lovely and comfy and exactly the type of nest I had dreamed of but for whatever reason, it still doesn't feel like home. I am feeling very guilty and somewhat confused for not being overjoyed until I was reminded of an old song, "A House is not a Home", Lyrics by Burt Bacharach follows:

A chair is still a chair
Even when there's no one sitting there
But a chair is not a house
And a house is not a home
When there's no one there to hold you tight,
And no one there you can kiss good night.

A room is still a room
Even when there's nothing there but gloom;
But a room is not a house,
And a house is not a home
When the two of us are far apart
And one of us has a broken heart.

Now and then I call your name
And suddenly your face appears
But it's just a crazy game
When it ends it ends in tears.

Of course my beloved didn't leave me voluntarily but that same sense of loneliness continues to follow me and I wonder if that hasn't been the the crux to my problems all these years. I so want him back, the support, the love, the intimacy, the fun and laughter and humour we shared. It isn't and I have been trying to learn to live without it but don't except I ever will. How does one overcome a broken heart? Sure wish I knew or could find a bandaid somewhere. I know that relationships are not the same and people grieve differently and so some cannot relate to the depth of mine. I was married and in a relationship that most only dream of. I must count my blessings in having been gifted with that experience but it also contributes to the depth of my grief. To paraphrase Kahlil Gibran, he stated that to the degree we experience Joy, so will we experience Sorrow. That is truly an affirmation of the relationship I shared with my beloved Arch. I know he would feel exactly the same had I been the one to depart first.

Any space in which we live will never feel like 'home' unless there is someone to share it with. It should also include our children and the memories that have been built over years of raising them. Sadly my two boys are not present nor my 4 step-children except via modern technology. Love them all and know they make an effort to stay connected despite the distance. Appreciate that more than words can convey. It just isn't the same as sitting across a dinner table sharing stories and laughter. God, How I miss that!

~ Tutte ~

My 50 Year Old Companion

Wish I could grow old with my constant companion but I can't.

It's been a long time since I have posted anything. I have been going through a huge transition and have yet to figure out how to live in my new environment.

My apartment has come together as I had envisioned it and it is a very peaceful and serene environment visually. However, as much as I have tried to leave my demons behind, I have discovered that it is much easier to change the external circumstances of one's life versus the internal.

I am having major struggles which I am reluctant to admit. I am so unbelievably restless that I am ready to crawl out of my skin. No doubt because a major aspect of this move is the fact that I can't smoke. That's a huge adjustment after 50 years and affects every aspect of how I spend my time which is primarily in front of my PC. I still haven't quit and go outside when the urge becomes too much. The manager continues to harass me and that adds a level of stress that was totally unexpected. I have not had a puff or lit a match to light a candle in this space and I have now been here for 2 months. I feel as if I have to constantly look over my shoulder and take all kinds of steps to be able to walk into the building without smelling like I have been smoking. No doubt once Fall arrives and the weather changes, it will be much easier but for the moment with trying to figure out what my new life will be, I still need the comfort of a smoke from time to time. I am probably down to 5 a day versus the pack and a half in the past. The Gov't here in Canada is coming up with a Cessation program at the end of the month where they will pay for available means to quit. I have tried the Patches but am now thinking about using the Inhaler.

I don't really miss the hand to mouth action but do miss a smoke after I have something to eat, a coffee or a drink. Have tried to postpone the urge for several hours after to break the association and it is working. In fact, most don't really taste very good any longer and want to butt it out after just a few puffs. That's a very encouraging sign to me. Often when I have the opportunity to smoke, I don't.

It will happen of that I am confident. I just have to do it in my own way so that I don't become obsessed about it. I have tried to diet many times and for anyone who has tried to diet, the temptation is to eat all you enjoy and then start the next day. It doesn't work and it's the same with smoking. The desire has to become ingrained in our thinking to facilitate the change in lifestyle. We have to find a way that works for us individually. As Dr. Phil has stated countless times, one can't break any addiction with Willpower. It can only happen when we substitute the desire/behaviour with something else.

One of the major benefits I have enjoyed from this entire excercise is that I have to go outside and walk half a block away to have a smoke. As a result, I have regained so much muscle mass and stamina. It's hard to believe that 3 months ago I had to hold on to the wall in my hallways when I went for a short walk. There is a gift in everything if we choose to find it. Therefore, I must be grateful to my manager to has forced me into walking to get away from the building for my puffs. Now I can walk an entire block and half of it is uphill. Some gifts don't always arrive packaged as we would expect.

I just resent having to be deceitful. Not part of my character. When she has confronted me, she has stated it isn't anything personal, just business, but now knowing that I don't smoke in my apt. I feel it has become somewhat personal. I am living up to my lease by not smoking in my apt. I expect her main issue is that I duped her initially by lying. I wish it hadn't been necessary but it was. Still have to figure her out. She runs hot and cold and there is something quite unique about her. Haven't been able to put my finger on it yet and I am usually a good judge of character. I always tend to focus on the positive. There is a grey area with her.

Will write more about the other aspects of my transitioning another time.

~ Tutte ~

A Brighter Outlook

I haven't posted since prior to my move. As with most moves, there were major hurdles and frustration to overcome. I also got scammed by the cleaning lady I had hired who did a terrible job so I lost my damage deposit. The mover came 3 hours late and stretched it as long as possible since they were being paid by the hours so didn't arrive in my new apartment until 9 o'clock at night and I paid too much. As a result the hook up for my cable didn't occur because I wasn't here. I was left without a phone or my PC for 3 days which sent me into major withdrawals but finally got the problem resolved. Discovered during the process of unpacking, a box containing some great items had been damaged and my things were broken. But worse than that is that my beautiful credenza has developed a problem so I can't close the sliding doors. Can't replace what has been broken and not yet sure if the problem with my furniture can be repaired.

In the first two weeks, I have had some issues with the manager who asked me if I was a smoker and I said no. From previous experiences I knew when I was initially asked if I was a smoker, I had to lie otherwise renting would have been denied me. Never expected to the the subject of descrimination. She had some suspicion since my clothes and belongings must have smelt of smoke. When asked I admitted that I was a smoker and that I had moved into a non smoking building because I desperately wanted to quit. She didn't believe me and hassled me constantly. However now 3 weeks later and with countless visits to my apt. she has finally come to realize I have never had a puff in here. I want this space to be sweet smelling and I fully intend to leave this habit behind. I simply can't afford it otherwise I never would. It's been my constant companion and soother when times were so difficult for me. I still venture out several times a day to have a puff or two when the urge becomes overwhelming. I think in total I have smoked 4 packs in the last 3 weeks. The truth is that they don't taste very good any longer and they burn my tongue. I know I will be able to totally quit once my home has been put together and I adopt a new lifestyle. Both physically and mentally.

Have unpacked and washed everything so now only my brass left to polish. Purchased a pair of loveseat and once they arrive, I will be able to finish decorating. I don't think a place ever really feels like home until the paintings and pictures are hung. However, I can foresee what a peaceful space this will become. It's an old building so many things I wish were different but it certainly surpasses the new building I lived in for the last 7 years. I will make adjustments. No doubt will have to rearrange things in the kitchen once I begin to find out what isn't working in terms of being an efficient workspace.

I am having some major issues with feeling restless and very lonely. That at the same time with an increase in activity and reconnecting with an old friend. No doubt not smoking on a regular basis is a major factor, not feeling at home yet, and then the enormous change from the last 7 years. Before I moved I tried not to project what expectations I had for the future and somewhat fearful that the PTSD and depression would follow me. So far it hasn't but sense some aspects are creeping in. I know it takes time to rewire the brain from years of such negative thinking so I must be patient.

I walk many times a day and am slowly rebuilding my strength and stamina. Will continue doing that. I love the neighbourhood. I feel as if I left an institution for the elderly on the outskirts of town and moved into an alive and breathing neighbourhood. There is a house across the street with 3 children so I hear all the squeals and laughter that young children make. I have missed that so much.

Will post more another time.

~ Tutte ~

A Reminder

As I was sorting through my cupboards I came across the box that contains my beloved mothers ashes. I put them on top of the fridge so I wouldn't forget them. Every time I look at them my heart does a flip flop and twists. I guess that is why I have wanted to keep them out of my sight versus having them in an Urn somewhere in constant view.

Years before my Mom died, I promised to keep them until I died and then have both of ours buried with my husband who was buried at the bottom of his mother's grave. It seems so appropos that the four of us should eventually rest in peace in the same space. He adored his mother who died when he was 15 and cried every time he mentioned her. I adored mine and Arch and I adored each other. What could be a better conclusion? Of course I believe we will all rejoin in some space and time far from this earthly experience, but seems perfect for our earthly experience. My sons thought I was being morbid. I view it very differently.

It was intended as reminder to my step children and my own who may not have been aware of my wishes so they can follow through with them, when the times comes. One has to be practical and make one's wishes known from time to time as we all tend to forget, especially when it is a topic that doesn't come up for discussion very often. I don't think I ever told my boys but have to my step-children who would have to take care of everything since they live relatively close by.

It needed to be stated however, just like a Living Will. Items we choose not to think about but might be forced to. It's just good to know. We should all express our wishes in writing to someone.

The above picture was taken when we laid my beloved's headstone at the feet of his mother's.

~ Tutte ~

Addiction

I deliberately set myself up to have my addiction stolen from me by moving into a No Smoking Apt. I have bought a box of Nicotine patches and a pkg. of cigarettes in case I become overly distraught. To move, sleep in a new environment that doesn't feel like home is very stress inducing.....but I WANT to quit so thought this was a great motivator.

If I become overly stressed, I can go out into the parking lot and have a puff. Smoking on the balcony is not allowed. I am also so unfortunate in having the manager live next to me. Sort of like living with the No Smoking Police I guess.

Will let you know how it goes. But this way I have no choice and truthfully, I so desire to have open my door to a sweet smelling apt. and have no more yellow stains to deal with anywhere.

~ Tutte ~

Emerging

It's time to count down. Only 2 more days to go before I can extricate myself from the brambles of my current confinement.

It's been a long and very difficult exercise due to my lack of energy, stamina and pain so I am glad I got a head start.

Now the most difficult job is ahead of me and that is packing all the crap we don't know what to do with and doesn't fit in a box.

All else is in place in terms of Utilities, PC, etc. for the day I move in. I know for sure my priority is to get my PC and TV set up first since those are my comfort zones. I will be unpacking and cleaning for days/weeks to come but I will need my evenings to relax....and escape.

Have not been able to sleep very well but expect that will shift once I can wake up with the sun shining in my face. That is my desire and should be possible in my new location.

Will update as things progress.

~ Tutte ~

The Hour Glass

The hours of my confinement are slowly fading. I find this a most difficult period in terms of my transition. I have so many mixed feelings. Can't sleep, wake up making lists of what needs to be done and trying to envision my future life. The lists are easy but the future is a total unknown. I am so tired from this entire exercise that has lasted months.

I just want to sleep forever. But, I have accomplished much of what was necesary up until today. Still some things to pack. Getting closer to my goal. Can't belive how long this is taking me. I used to be able to pack up a 3200 sq. ft. home in a week and this small 450 sq. ft. place has taken me months. Of course it's due to my disabilities and lack of energy. I find this totally frustating. Sick to death of having this running in the background all the time but so superior to the suicidal thoughts I had in the past. That is a huge blessing. Today I am future thinking. Something I haven't been able to do for the last 10 years.

I now have 13 days before the move. All moves are stressful but with this one, I won't have the comfort of a drink and a cigarette to calm me down. Have no idea how I will manage. It will certainly create a very different experience. I try not to think too far ahead. I do look forward to having a sweet smelling home and the savings in my bank account. It's why I chose a NS apt. It will provide the impetus for me to quit a 50 year old expensive habit.

Will update in the future how I manage this move, the ups and downs but everything is in place except for what I still need to do.

I just want to sleep but expect that once I have moved in, a new level of energy will surface in order to create the Nest I have longed for, for so many years. I hope that will provide a level of energy that is currently lacking.

~ Tutte ~

Tentative Decision

This has been a long an ardous journey but tonight I made the decision to move on the 27th of this month. I think I need that deadline to put me into action in terms of the final details of what needs packing etc. It will also allow the mover and the cleaning lady not to feel pressured by the end of the month when everyone moves. However, since I can move in from the 20th I have enough leeway to make it all work out.

To change subject, my stepdaugter who has been living in Bali for the last six months phoned and we had a 2 hour chat. Totally delightful to hear her voice again after so many months. We share such a long history together. 30+ years although we didn't live in the same Province. She was in Love with her Dad and recognized I was as well so we bonded immediately. We both wanted Arch to be happy. It's been a great relationship as had been mine with his other two children.

I have been truly blessed in having so many loving and supportive people in my life. That is what sustains us ultimately.

~ Tutte ~

Transitioning

Great news. I found an apartment. The second one I looked at. How great is that? Now I am living on the cusp of leaving a very distateful and depressing lifestyle behind and embracing a new one. My PTSD has not been relieved however disappointing. But how I could I expect it to? It will take time for my mind to get rid of all the garbage.

My fear has now been replaced with the anxiety of all that needs to be done in the final stages of moving. I must remain patient, have had lots of practice so it shouldn't be that difficult. I can pick up the key in 10 days so when I move depends on when I finish packing. Just all the kitchen crap left. It would only take a day if I were stronger and had more stamine.

I have a difficult time sleeping since my mind is so busy with all the last details and future decorating. Sure beats living in a state of constant fear. Last Saturday was the worst day I have ever experienced. I was almost suicidal with the angst of not finding a home. The Universe (God) had once again come to my assistance and I am totally grateful.

Will write more about this process at another time.

~ Tutte ~

Enmeshed in Time

I am almost in a panic mode as I still haven't found an apt. and only 26 days left. I have phoned every contact and only came up with one viewing. It was an old building, stank and was too small. Had a west exposure and a lovely balcony but my furniture wouldn't fit. What to do next before I totally loose it?

I am back into Insomnia due to worry which is totally unproductive based on what needs to be done. Thank God I started packing early.

I have to keep reminding myself to keep Faith. If the Universe (God) provided me with the means to move, IT will also provide me with a home. I just need to be patient and trust that all is working perfectly on my behalf. That's hard to do when the body is shaking and the stomach is full of butterflies from the stress and fear.

~ Tutte ~

So Ready to FLY

My PTSD had reared it's ugly head once again as I face the unknown future. I have to send in my lease ternimation this weekend without knowing where or what my future home will be. I am so afraid, that my anxiety level has increased to an unbearable level. I wake up with feeling sick to my stomach, my heart wants to jump out of my chest and I have no appetite.

Will continue this later as I must head off to bed.

~ Tutte ~

Noise

When I moved into this building bordering a 100+ year old forest at the end of a cul'd'sac I thought I it would be a peaceful place.

I have since discovered there is no silence here from the outside, a bustop under my bedroom window, the unbeliebable traffic flow based on the fact that I live above the main entrance so every delivery, garbage or moving truck has to pass by or park under my window. Also the noise from the fire trucks and ambulances that come in the middle of the night since this building houses mostly very senior citizens who have medical emergengies.

Not to forget the landscapers who take several hours to do the lawn and edges. Weedeaters and Leafblowers. It's unbelievably noisy and takes all morning once a week. At least it only lasts about 6 months.

Then on top of that, about 3 months ago someone decided to install an industrial fan to get rid of the exhaust fumes from the garage. This begins at 4 AM and runs until 11PM. My question has to be how many seniors are starting their car that early? Or how much traffic is there really? Makes no sense. I have complained and nothing has been done. Of course that is under my bedroom window along with the generator that spews out toxic diesel fumes when it kicks in. Then the shrill fire alarm that is turned on for an entire morming once a month. The alarm is right over my bed and is so loud and piercing.

Just when I thought nothing else could happen, this week I began hearing noises in my ceiling. So did the Managers office 3 floors below mine. They sent up someone to have an invesigation and nothing has been done since. It's still there and sounds like someone is cleaning your window with a dry squeegy. I guess that was the final straw and now regardless of how much Anxiety or Stress I have around this upcoming move, I know that is temporary versus the stress that would continue to plague me if I keep on living living here.

On top of that they turned off the heat today and I have to sit with a heavy sweater and socks on. I am stunned. It's not warm outside. I guess it's called saving money. I have major question around everything that occurs here. Older people need warmth so how this building, promoted for senior and the disabled, can justify that, blows me away. It is owned and run by a Charitable Society called Kiwanis. There is nothing here to make it more comfortable for either's needs except a lot of wasted space. I have to wonder who the hell designed this?

I hear through the grapevine that many people are leaving and I expect why there is always a For Rent sign.

~ Tutte ~

Almost There

I wake up every morning in an acute state of anxiety and I go to bed in the same way.
It's the state of Limbo I am living in currently and was initiated by PTSD so many years ago. I hate it and it seems so irrational. The adrenalin continues to flow incessantly and dries out my mouth and causes butterflies in my stomach and a tightness in the chest.

Of course this is all brought on my upcoming move, termination notice at the end of the month without a destionion. LIving in Survial mode and Limbo. The precursors to my PTSD. PTSD all seems so irrational intellectually since I feel I am in control over my packing and all that needs doing. In fact, way a head of schedule. However, PTSD, is like having a foreign entitity living in the body that controls one's mind andd becomes it's captive. It requires a great deal of mental effort in acknowledging what is happening physically/mentally and then convert it into a positive attitude. I spend at least 4 hours every morning doing that. God, I don't wish this disease on anyone. I hope this isn't a life long condition and will change once I change my environment to a place of peace. That is my greatest hope. That once I find a nest and a peaceful place, my body/mind will change accordingly.

~ Tutte ~

Love Survives

Long after the music has ended
And after the sun is set
After the roses have turned dry
When tears no longer fall from your eyes

Love lives on

In what remains of a lasting touch
In the deafening echo of laughter
It lives on in the cold, darkness of night
Where memories once were made

Long after goodbyes have been said
And after the phone goes dead
After the door is slammed shut
When another pictures is placed in the frame

Love still remains

In that one last `I love you'
In dreams that will never be made
It remains lost in the warmth of the arms of another
When trust was found and comforts gained

Long after the hurt is no more
Love lingers on
And after the chances have been lost
Love never fails
Even after the new day has begun
Love tries
When promises have not been fulfilled

Love survives

The Eve before my Beloved's Death 16 years ago.

This night is crystal clear in my memory. I was 50 at the time with 2 teenage boys.I am so totally sad tonight as I relive the memories. I had a hospital bed brought into our living room a day earlier as he became too weak to climb the stairs to our bedroom.

The night before was the last time that we would spend in the bed we had shard for 20 years. We were both aware of what was on the horizon and there were no words of comfort left to say to each other. We lay cuddled in each others arms with tears running down our cheeks. How painful and how does one integrate that into the mind and emotional being, especially in terms of our profound relationship?

I had slept in the Hospital bed the night before as he insisted on lying on the couch but would have to get up and change him since had he had become incontent. He suffered from Stomach Cancer. He wanted to die on the couch. This night however. I said NO, you have to get into bed so I can change you without wrecking my back. I wanted to accommodate his wishes but knew my back couldn't deal with it any longer. I had been doing that in our bed for days before we had to move downstairs. He agreed reluctantly and I lay on the couch catnapping. I knew the end was near (he was as orange as pumpkin due to liver failure) and I was always listenting to his breathing. At one point he looked at me and said "Tutte, you have to get some sleep, it's been days now." I asked him how he was feeling, was he in any pain and his reply was, No, I just feel strange. I went to sleep for a couple of hours.


I had a restless sleep always with one ear on Arch's breating. By 7 AM I detected a change taking place so called my GP and he arrived within 20 minutes looking like he just got out of the shower. How many MD's do that today? In the meantime Arch had woken up so I cleaned him, brushed his teeth, washed his face and what else was necessary. He told me he was no in any pain. Then Charles my, arrived and took a look at Arch and checked him for various symptoms. He eventually made the decision to give Arch a shot of Gravol and some morphine. The first morphine Arch had received. Truly amazing that he hadn't needed any major pain killers. Before Arch fell asleep he made a couple of jokes. So typical.

It didn't take 10 minutes before he was sound asleep and Charles left. Before he did, he left me with 4 syringes filled with Morphine. He didn't leave any instructions with me but I have since thought that he might have done that so that I could apply and overdoze if I felt it necessary. Empathic doctors will do that. I didn't use them but would have if I felt Arch was in pain and I could have relieved any suffering.

Arch's youngest son had come out a few days earlier and took my boys to school and eventually headed off to the airport to pick up his sisters.

A couple of hours later after napping on and off the nurse arrived and we checked on Arch and he seemed to be sleeping peacefully. I offered her a cup of tea and we went into the kitchen. The phone rang that was next to Arch's bed and it was his good pal meeting my step-kids at the airport. As I was talking to him, I looked down at Arch and realized he WAS GONE. I was left in shock and speechless.


To conclude what was the most traumatic day of my life, I was grateful to have the nurse close to me.

I kept going in and checking on Arch and his eyes were at half mast to try to make sense of it. The nurse phoned my GP who returned immediately to pronounce Arch DEAD! Is there a word that has more impact than that? Of course I knew he was. The GP and I went and had a cup of tea together in the kitchen and had a good chat. He is such a wonderful friend and MD. While we were doing that Arch's children all arrived from the Airport and rather than them walking into the house and unexpectedly finding their Dad deceased, I met them in the driveway to prepare them. Needless to say they were all in shock. Not only by the news but by the fact that they didn't get to have the opportunity say their goodbyes. It was a situation that is very difficult to express. My GP left after having met all the kids.

We all entered the house and approached Arch's bed so the news could become a reality for them. There was a very long moment of silence and each person left as needed and we eventually met up in the kitchen. Then each person returned to say their final goodbye in private. When everyone had done that, I returned to clean Arch's body and his youngest daughter joined me. It was a very holy moment for both of us. It was our way of passing on our greatest gift by anointing his body.

After that I had to phone the funeral home. They arrived within 40 minutes and what happened next, is imbedded in my brain and I will never forget. Arch's body was still warm because he had been under the duvet and in walk two men with a gurney and a plastic bag. I had to leave the room when they put him in the bag and zipped it up and carried it out to the van. We all stood in the doorway and watched and I began hyperventilating. All I could say was "Here today, Gone Tomorrow". I don't remember anything after that until hours later. I don't know how anyone can integrate the finality of that event. I won't allow myself to think of it very often, but it needed to be expressed here as a conclusion.

My own children didn't know at that point. I will finish at a later time. Can't write anymore now.
~~~~
My youngest son Ryan just turned 15, phoned and I felt I had to prepare him so told him the news. There was a long period of silence and I don't remember what words were spoken afterwards since he was at a friends house and they were driving him home. Not sure whether I did the right thing in telling him ahead of time. I felt he would want to know versus being blindsided. My boys are very different and integrate in their own way.

My oldest son Shaun, 17 arrived home and as he came through the front door, I rushed towards him, put my arms around him and told him the devastating news. I don't think he said a word, just got on his bike and rode around for several hours. Don't remember what he said when he came home. So much of these hours are a blank.

They were the worst moments of my life apart from telling them their father was dying. This was the reality of that news coming to fruition and I don't think any of us could really accept, nor knew what to do with it mentally or emotionally. It was like being in some Twilight Zone. I don't remember much of what happened after that. We were all in a total state of shock.

If I write any more on this topic, it will become an epistle so will end it here.

~ Tutte ~

Today is my youngest son Ryan's, 31st birthday who lives in Japan and it saddens me profoundly to come to some level of acceptance that I will probably never celebrate another one with this precious son of mine. I love him profoundly.

~ Tutte ~

Timing

I have had to let go of the clock in terms of when I hand in the termination of my least since my back is not improving. I have a difficult time getting up or standing erect so there is no way I can continue packing or lifting boxes. From past experiences with my back, I know it can take a few weeks for it to heal so I made the decision to postpone my move for a month. In the big scheme of things it really doesn't make much difference but will alleviate any further stress from feeling pressured to pack and look for an apt. Perhaps it came as a blessing in disuise in that the right apt. for me won't be available until June. I hope that is the reason.

~ Tutte ~

My Back

My Back has always been my weakest link and why I have suffered from 5 ruptured discs over 40 years. There is nothing more excruciating in terms of pain. I managed to cure myself with every episode despite seeking medical help. I would stay flat on my back for weeks with a heating pad and tons of Ibuprofen.
Yesterday as I was packing I lifted a box that was much too heavy for my weakened body and pulled a muscle on the left side of my back. What a blessing. Since all my ruptures happened on the right side. L3, L4 and L5. Always from a twist and bend. So although I woke up today unable to straighten myself up into an erect position, I know this will heal quickly. Took a day off from packing and just let my back rest.

~ Tutte ~

Spiraling Towards My Goal

A Friend reminded me that I have to give up my lease by the end of this month and it sent me spiraling and into anxiety until I realized this had to happen in order for me to reach my goal of rediscovering the core of who I want to be and the home that will provide the comfort to do that. It scares me because with my PTSD, having no control is not something I am comfortable with but I realize I have a month to look for something suitable and as The Universe has provided for me in my past it will again.

I will be finished packing in a week and then have a month to look for something suitable. I have accepted that I may not find everything on my wish list but it will definitely be better than the hell I am living in. When I know what I want I always visualize and focus on my intent and usually it comes to pass so I expect it will again.

~ Tutte ~

Boxed In

Interesting that after becoming stressed out last week because I couldn't find any boxes, I picked up dozen today earlier in the week and then another dozen from the pet store owner I had approached. So between what is packed already and all the boxes stacked in my kitchen, I am really beginning to feel boxed in this tiny space. However I view it from a very positive perspective. I want to be finished packing by the end of the month so I can move as soon as I find a suitable place. I have some fear around looking for a suitable apt. in my price range because I live in a very expensive neighbourhood and worry about becoming discouraged. But that is projecting my fears. A bad habit of mine. I may find the perfect one with my first visit.

I am trusting that THE Universe will come to my assistance once again. IT knows exactly what my needs are and what I constantly visualize.

It sure does feel good to be making progress. Now I know I will escape this HELL.

~ Tutte ~