Sunday, July 24, 2011

A Brighter Outlook

I haven't posted since prior to my move. As with most moves, there were major hurdles and frustration to overcome. I also got scammed by the cleaning lady I had hired who did a terrible job so I lost my damage deposit. The mover came 3 hours late and stretched it as long as possible since they were being paid by the hours so didn't arrive in my new apartment until 9 o'clock at night and I paid too much. As a result the hook up for my cable didn't occur because I wasn't here. I was left without a phone or my PC for 3 days which sent me into major withdrawals but finally got the problem resolved. Discovered during the process of unpacking, a box containing some great items had been damaged and my things were broken. But worse than that is that my beautiful credenza has developed a problem so I can't close the sliding doors. Can't replace what has been broken and not yet sure if the problem with my furniture can be repaired.

In the first two weeks, I have had some issues with the manager who asked me if I was a smoker and I said no. From previous experiences I knew when I was initially asked if I was a smoker, I had to lie otherwise renting would have been denied me. Never expected to the the subject of descrimination. She had some suspicion since my clothes and belongings must have smelt of smoke. When asked I admitted that I was a smoker and that I had moved into a non smoking building because I desperately wanted to quit. She didn't believe me and hassled me constantly. However now 3 weeks later and with countless visits to my apt. she has finally come to realize I have never had a puff in here. I want this space to be sweet smelling and I fully intend to leave this habit behind. I simply can't afford it otherwise I never would. It's been my constant companion and soother when times were so difficult for me. I still venture out several times a day to have a puff or two when the urge becomes overwhelming. I think in total I have smoked 4 packs in the last 3 weeks. The truth is that they don't taste very good any longer and they burn my tongue. I know I will be able to totally quit once my home has been put together and I adopt a new lifestyle. Both physically and mentally.

Have unpacked and washed everything so now only my brass left to polish. Purchased a pair of loveseat and once they arrive, I will be able to finish decorating. I don't think a place ever really feels like home until the paintings and pictures are hung. However, I can foresee what a peaceful space this will become. It's an old building so many things I wish were different but it certainly surpasses the new building I lived in for the last 7 years. I will make adjustments. No doubt will have to rearrange things in the kitchen once I begin to find out what isn't working in terms of being an efficient workspace.

I am having some major issues with feeling restless and very lonely. That at the same time with an increase in activity and reconnecting with an old friend. No doubt not smoking on a regular basis is a major factor, not feeling at home yet, and then the enormous change from the last 7 years. Before I moved I tried not to project what expectations I had for the future and somewhat fearful that the PTSD and depression would follow me. So far it hasn't but sense some aspects are creeping in. I know it takes time to rewire the brain from years of such negative thinking so I must be patient.

I walk many times a day and am slowly rebuilding my strength and stamina. Will continue doing that. I love the neighbourhood. I feel as if I left an institution for the elderly on the outskirts of town and moved into an alive and breathing neighbourhood. There is a house across the street with 3 children so I hear all the squeals and laughter that young children make. I have missed that so much.

Will post more another time.

~ Tutte ~