Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Third Fall this Year

This time as I was picking up a pair of slack off my bed to hang in my closet. I forgot about the sharp corner of my very low Danish bed as I was going to bed around 4 am. I tripped over it, lost my balance and  hit the side of my sharp cornered night table with my left shoulder and the flipped over to my right side and hit the right corner full force with my right forehead. I have hit that corner so many times in the last 45 years but only put a divot in my calf. Obviously not a practical design.
As usual when I fall and I can't get up, I tried to butt crawl to the side of my bed thinking I could hoist myself up but because of the pain in that arm, I couldn't so I butt crawled into the living room hoping to find some way to reach my phone but couldn't. I was pouring blood profusely so decided my only option was to butt crawl my way to the front door and fortunately was able to hoist myself up enough to unlock the door, open it and fall head first into the hallway and call for help. My manager who lives next door came out immediately and I told her to call 911. I think I passed out several times briefly but the ambulance arrived within minutes. She phone my friend Liz and told her what had happened and Liz arrived a few hours later and stayed for most of the day. She is such a sweetheart.
I was taken to the hospital and my clothes were cut off. I couldn't believe the amount of blood when I saw how soaked my blouse was.
Once in the ER. I was stitched up and taken for an MRI. No doubt to check if I had fractured my skull or had a concussion. Gratefully I didn't.
I was kept in the ER for two days (moved into the hallway the first night) until I finally discharged myself on Sunday. It seemed my injuries were not life threatening. I was observed for a day and I waited for hours for a doctor to discharge me. The hospital beds are so uncomfortable these days that I couldn't change positions and my shoulder pain became my primary focus. Just as when I was in Coquitlam last Feb. They put sheet on the bed that won't let you slide and when one has no strength in one arm or both, it's impossible to moved or get up. I was in do much pain that I couldn't stand one more minute. The nurse helped me with the forms. Of course I had no clothes, money, shoes etc. but the nurse phoned for a cab and I knew I could pay once I got home. Without any clothes, I wore a pair of men's hospital PJ pants, a gown and a blanket wrapped around my shoulder and a pair of socks. I went out on the sidewalk dressed in that attire to wait for the Taxi. Lo and behold, as I was standing there my girlfriend Lise approached me. She cancelled the cab and drove me home. Liz had phone her on Saturday night to tell her what had happened to me.
When I arrived home on Sunday, Lise told me that both she and Liz had been in my Apt. on Sunday morning and was shocked to see the condition my apt. was. Lise said it looked like a murder scene, with blood every and called in a Carpet Cleaner who arrived immediately and cleaned it twice. It should have been done the day before when the blood was fresh. As a result there are stains everywhere that will never disappear. Had a conversation around this with my manager but will save the details for another time.
How grateful I am, to have 2 wonderful friends who always come to my assistance. My upstairs neighbour June became concerned Saturday when she didn't see any lights in my apt. so knocked on the Manager's door to find out if she knew if there was a problem with me. She was informed and walked all the way to the hospital to come visit me. I love this woman. We have each other's back because we share so many similarities in terms of our life stories/health issues and she is the only one who can really understand. That is probably the bond that connected us immediately. I love her greatly.
Arriving home and getting into my own bed and falling asleep at 6 pm after 3 nights of no sleep and no food, I was able to sleep until 5 the next AM. When I looked in the mirror I was shocked to see my reflection. I looked like Dracula's daughter. Today, I look much worse. I have a huge egg on my right temple which has 8 - 10 stitches. That's okay, the Hematoma will eventually subside. But in the process, I have red/black eye. The right side of my face is swollen and progressively turning green to dark purple. All the way to my collar bone and back to the middle of my neck. Have never seen anything like it. Just like with my knee last year. My left shoulder also suffered some major trauma, so I have a bandage on part of it that I haven't really checked out. Must have some scraping or whatever that made it bleed. My arm is purple/black from the shoulder to my elbow and very swollen. Another hematoma. Only the shoulder joint is painful and I may have to see the Chiro once it healed. They only thing that is really painful apart of my shoulder is the amount of blood caked in my hair. It hardened to the point where they have become scabs and can't be combed out. No doubt there is a method to do this and an attempt was made when I was in the hospital without much luck. Since I have been home, I have tried with my nails to break them up by crumpling into smaller pieces so that eventually they can be dissolved. I haven't wanted to do anything until the stitches are removed and I have an appt. on Friday for that and for a dressing change to my left arm. As usual, I broke my glasses so will attempt to have them fixed tomorrow.
I have made a decision re my hair, that if the blood knots can't be dissolved, I will shave my head. Probably won't make any difference when I go out. I wear a cap anyway since I have such little hair left and no hairdo. Lot's of women have lost their hair due to Chemo. That will be a another lesson in terms of being able to relate. Wouldn't if be lovely if my hair grew in thicker and curly?
I bought a cell phone months ago to help me and discovered some weeks ago I had a problem and it wasn't working. Lise and I figured out what the problem was, she had the same with a different phone, we managed to solve the problem, so now I carry it with me all the time. Of course that doesn't prevent me from falling but does provide security for getting help. My legs have really become unstable in the last year. Talked to my MD about it and he said it is part of the aging process and due to my Spinal Stenosis. Can't do anything about either condition so am not left with much reassurance that it won't happen again. I continue to walk to build up my core and leg muscles.
I'm sure there a details that I forgotten but wanted to provide an overview of what happened.
No need to respond. I am doing just fine and don't expect this will create another PTSD episode. But who knows? It never happens until months later. I Pray it doesn't. I will update you.
~ Tutte ~

Friday, January 4, 2013

Hungry for Love

Hungry for love, He looks at you.
Thirsty for kindness, He begs of you.
Naked for loyalty, He hopes in you.
Homeless for shelter in your heart, He asks of you.
Will you be that one to Him?
~ Mother Teresa

I often wonder why our heartstrings are tugged by the sight of an animal in distress versus a human being. I have no idea what it is in our brains that make such a differentiation in our response and acceptable. Perhaps it is easier in terms of feeling like we can control a small issue like rescuing animals versus trying  to save  a  huge population  who is in dire distress. I expect this was brought home to me today since Congress didn't pass the bill to help the out the Sandy Hurricane victims. It took 10 days after Katrina and now 2 months after the worst storm in US history to hit the Eastern Seaboard with so many victims  they don't feel a need to help out. I am so glad I am not a resident of the US. The promise of the American Dream interpreted by those of us on the outside is a huge illusion  intended to provide for the wealthy/corporations versus the middle class. The US  has reverted to the feudal system of the past. This in not the definition of Democracy. I would far more prefer Socialism versus Capitalism. Have to stop writing since I don't like this avenue of thought. Brings up too much conflict for me. I am constantly trying to stay in a peaceful space.

~ Tutte ~

I Prayed For

I prayed for change, so I changed my mind.
I prayed for guidance and learned to trust myself.
I prayed for happiness and realized I am not my ego.
I prayed for peace and learned to accept others unconditionally.
I prayed for abundance and realized my doubt kept it out.
I prayed for wealth and realized it is my health.
I prayed for a miracle and realized I am the miracle.
I prayed for a soul mate and realized I am the One.
I prayed for love and realized it’s always knocking, but I have to allow it in.

~Jackson Kidder

If You are to Judge

If you are to judge a man, you must know his secret thoughts, sorrows, and feelings; to know merely the outward events of a man's life would only serve to make a chronological table-a fool's notion of history. De Balzac
~ Honoré De Balzac

Thursday, January 3, 2013

My Wish for You

More than anything I wish peace for everyone personally but more importantly, on a global scale. I want war to cease, the destruction of the planet. Water and food to be available to everyone regardless of where they live. I want cruelty to end whether towards humans or animals. 
I want fairness and justice for all. Oh, I could go on and on with what I view as to what is wrong with the world. I can't do much but I can change my attitude and develope a level of empathy and compassion and with a silent voice wherever I can express it, I hope to make a difference.

~ Tutte~

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Subsequent to "Another Miracle Happened to Me"

Ever since that extraordinary incident happened to me, every time I go out at night and walk at that same location, I am reminded of this miraculous moment and wonder what made it happen and why to me? After weeks of contemplating this question, I have come to the conclusion that it happened because when I fell, I was trying to help someone else who I thought was in a stressful or perhaps life threathening situation. My intention was focused on someone else without any concern for my own safety. I expect most people who have experienced the same would concur with my assessment.

~ Tutte ~