Monday, September 26, 2011

A Rose for the 4 of Us

I haven't posted for such a long time because I still haven't figured out what to do with my new environment or how to live in it. My new apt. is very lovely and comfy and exactly the type of nest I had dreamed of but for whatever reason, it still doesn't feel like home. I am feeling very guilty and somewhat confused for not being overjoyed until I was reminded of an old song, "A House is not a Home", Lyrics by Burt Bacharach follows:

A chair is still a chair
Even when there's no one sitting there
But a chair is not a house
And a house is not a home
When there's no one there to hold you tight,
And no one there you can kiss good night.

A room is still a room
Even when there's nothing there but gloom;
But a room is not a house,
And a house is not a home
When the two of us are far apart
And one of us has a broken heart.

Now and then I call your name
And suddenly your face appears
But it's just a crazy game
When it ends it ends in tears.

Of course my beloved didn't leave me voluntarily but that same sense of loneliness continues to follow me and I wonder if that hasn't been the the crux to my problems all these years. I so want him back, the support, the love, the intimacy, the fun and laughter and humour we shared. It isn't and I have been trying to learn to live without it but don't except I ever will. How does one overcome a broken heart? Sure wish I knew or could find a bandaid somewhere. I know that relationships are not the same and people grieve differently and so some cannot relate to the depth of mine. I was married and in a relationship that most only dream of. I must count my blessings in having been gifted with that experience but it also contributes to the depth of my grief. To paraphrase Kahlil Gibran, he stated that to the degree we experience Joy, so will we experience Sorrow. That is truly an affirmation of the relationship I shared with my beloved Arch. I know he would feel exactly the same had I been the one to depart first.

Any space in which we live will never feel like 'home' unless there is someone to share it with. It should also include our children and the memories that have been built over years of raising them. Sadly my two boys are not present nor my 4 step-children except via modern technology. Love them all and know they make an effort to stay connected despite the distance. Appreciate that more than words can convey. It just isn't the same as sitting across a dinner table sharing stories and laughter. God, How I miss that!

~ Tutte ~

Sunday, September 4, 2011

My 50 Year Old Companion

Wish I could grow old with my constant companion but I can't.

It's been a long time since I have posted anything. I have been going through a huge transition and have yet to figure out how to live in my new environment.

My apartment has come together as I had envisioned it and it is a very peaceful and serene environment visually. However, as much as I have tried to leave my demons behind, I have discovered that it is much easier to change the external circumstances of one's life versus the internal.

I am having major struggles which I am reluctant to admit. I am so unbelievably restless that I am ready to crawl out of my skin. No doubt because a major aspect of this move is the fact that I can't smoke. That's a huge adjustment after 50 years and affects every aspect of how I spend my time which is primarily in front of my PC. I still haven't quit and go outside when the urge becomes too much. The manager continues to harass me and that adds a level of stress that was totally unexpected. I have not had a puff or lit a match to light a candle in this space and I have now been here for 2 months. I feel as if I have to constantly look over my shoulder and take all kinds of steps to be able to walk into the building without smelling like I have been smoking. No doubt once Fall arrives and the weather changes, it will be much easier but for the moment with trying to figure out what my new life will be, I still need the comfort of a smoke from time to time. I am probably down to 5 a day versus the pack and a half in the past. The Gov't here in Canada is coming up with a Cessation program at the end of the month where they will pay for available means to quit. I have tried the Patches but am now thinking about using the Inhaler.

I don't really miss the hand to mouth action but do miss a smoke after I have something to eat, a coffee or a drink. Have tried to postpone the urge for several hours after to break the association and it is working. In fact, most don't really taste very good any longer and want to butt it out after just a few puffs. That's a very encouraging sign to me. Often when I have the opportunity to smoke, I don't.

It will happen of that I am confident. I just have to do it in my own way so that I don't become obsessed about it. I have tried to diet many times and for anyone who has tried to diet, the temptation is to eat all you enjoy and then start the next day. It doesn't work and it's the same with smoking. The desire has to become ingrained in our thinking to facilitate the change in lifestyle. We have to find a way that works for us individually. As Dr. Phil has stated countless times, one can't break any addiction with Willpower. It can only happen when we substitute the desire/behaviour with something else.

One of the major benefits I have enjoyed from this entire excercise is that I have to go outside and walk half a block away to have a smoke. As a result, I have regained so much muscle mass and stamina. It's hard to believe that 3 months ago I had to hold on to the wall in my hallways when I went for a short walk. There is a gift in everything if we choose to find it. Therefore, I must be grateful to my manager to has forced me into walking to get away from the building for my puffs. Now I can walk an entire block and half of it is uphill. Some gifts don't always arrive packaged as we would expect.

I just resent having to be deceitful. Not part of my character. When she has confronted me, she has stated it isn't anything personal, just business, but now knowing that I don't smoke in my apt. I feel it has become somewhat personal. I am living up to my lease by not smoking in my apt. I expect her main issue is that I duped her initially by lying. I wish it hadn't been necessary but it was. Still have to figure her out. She runs hot and cold and there is something quite unique about her. Haven't been able to put my finger on it yet and I am usually a good judge of character. I always tend to focus on the positive. There is a grey area with her.

Will write more about the other aspects of my transitioning another time.

~ Tutte ~