Sunday, November 27, 2011

Can't Wait

To be relieved and discard the mask of pain I have been wearing for the most of my life. Today, I look for physical relief. 15 years of Chronic Pain from one source or another is wearing me down.

Even pain brings blessings and I have to continue to remind myself of how many and by whom have occurred to me over the years.

I went for another visit with my Chiro today and he has begun a series of exercises for me to do at home. It has become evident to me that whatever is currently going on my body and causing so much discomfort will take time to heal. 3 visits a week.

I was becoming concerned as to how I would manage to pay for all these visits on my meager income regardless of being subsidized by MSP to the limit of 10 per year.

To make a very long story short,the Universe (God) has once again blessed me by directing me to people who have a very kind and giving heart. He is gifting me with free treatments. How blessed am I? My GP provides me with my BP meds via samples so I haven't had to pay for several years.

I have never asked for assistance but these wonderful people who are in tune to the needs of others and a heart that is capable of reaching out, do so. The spirit of giving is the same as the one from the Manager of my local grocery store who every time he sees me, gives me a free bouquet of flowers. I often ask myself how many people receive these gifts or is it something unusual about me? That is not an ego statement but a question. Not because I think I am special etc. but perhaps because I am totally honest and vulnerable. People respond to someone they can empathize with. Could write a chapter on that topic and perhaps someday I will. It has been my greatest lesson. The key is letting go of the ego and being True to whom we are and discarding all the masks we have had to wear over a lifetime.

I didn't give mine up voluntarily, they were stripped off by life's circumstances. As difficult as that process has been, the end result is a great sense of freedom. The greatest gift.

~ Tutte ~

My beloved Arch

It's Saturday and along come Longings

Being widowed and getting older, doesn't change my desires. In my mind, I am still 29,39,49 and full of life, excitement and romance. With the absense of my beloved, I live with constant Longing for Him and the past. That is all part of grieving. Expect those who have been happily married share those but undoubtedly for those who haven't been as blessed as I am, have a yearning to have had a similar experience. Living is painful for everyone on one level or another.

~ Tutte ~

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Multi Tasking in the Past

I have lived long enough to remember those days. Things have improved or have they?

~ Tutte ~


I must despite the pain, find a way to enjoy music as I did in the past. A major passion of mine that I haven't been able to for far too long. Brings up too many painful memories and always leaves me in tears.

~ Tutte ~

A Favorite Photo

Open to any interpretation. So Simplistic and Serene IMO.

~ Tutte ~

Need for Immediate Comfort

Have been seeing the Chiropractor 3 times a week for the last two and in the process of many adjustments to my spine, I find myself in constant pain with the odd day in between that is relatively comfortable. I was forwarned that this process would be a tug of war. Sure is! Tonight I am in pain and wish I had my beloved to rub my back and shoulders and kiss all my booboos. Or had an in-house Chiro to push and pull to remove all the knots in my muscles.

~ Tutte ~

Friday, November 25, 2011

The Book of Life

The pages turn more and more quickly as we age. In youth, we assume that life will last forever but as we age we come to recognize how quickly the pages of the years turn over. At my age age, it no longer seems like years, rather more like months, then minutes and I expect if I live long enough, it will become seconds. If only in our youth we recognized how fleeting the years of our lives are.

We would appreciate the relationships with our families, friends and all the subtle aspects of our involvement as part of the human community. We wouldn't take so much for granted and live more in the moment. We would live with a far greater awareness of gratitude. There is an old saying that youth is wasted on the young. Wisdom comes with age, sadly.

~ Tutte ~

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Another Xmas Season Approaching Living with Absence

The Presence of Your Absence Is Everywhere

The park bench placard spoke of loss
And the way the Beloved is almost more there
Than before though touch seems impossible
And embrace longed for. Oh the power of absence

To forge remembrance - single moments
So cellularly embedded to make time eternal:
A brush of hand to cheek, the fragrance of perfume,
The way smoke of a pipe curled up or how we once

Wrote messages in frost on the window panes
With another. This Tabernacle of Memory
That year by year rises in us - this great heart space
Where nothing is lost - how it opens -

How we are there again like yesterday,
Filled with love for tomorrow,
Embracing the moment at hand --
The Presence of Absence everywhere.

Marilee L. Pallant/Sage

Courage Is

Saturday, November 19, 2011

True Love


The weekend is coming so I am always reminded of the loss of my beloved. Spooning in our 20 years together, occurred every night. God, how I miss that physical contact that has nothing to do with sex. Just the imtimacy of a very close connection to a beloved and can only be experienced with a lover or a spouse.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Remember Me

You've no idea how hard I've looked for a gift to bring You.
Nothing seemed right.
What's the point of bringing gold to the Gold Mine, or water to the Ocean.
Everything I came up with was like taking spices to the Orient.
It's not good giving my heart and soul because you already have these.
So - I've brought you a mirror.
Look at yourself and remember me.


What Music?

I finally bit the bullet and went to see the Chiropractor. A lovely and empathic man. He spent 45 minutes taking down my history. Then 15 making some adjustments. God they hurt and confirmed my problems. My next apt. is on Saturday and then I expect many follow-ups. He shared his concern for me that what is happening in my right shoulder is Rheumatoid Arthritis. That is what my left shoulder has been diagnosed with and why such limited movement and chronic pain.

The thought of this scares the shit out of me. Not so much the pain involved but the lack of strength and mobility. I am trying not to project the worst outcome, while remaining realistic, and hope that the treatments I receive in the future will slow that process down. My body for the last 15 years has been riddled with Arhtritis with subsequent surgeries. No doubt due to the fact that my Immune System has been overly compromised due to all the stress I have endured for almost 30 years. A Constant overload of Adrenalin. The Immune System in overdrive, ends up attacking the host, my body. It boggles my mind, how much chronic pain I can continue to endure. Living with that colors every thought and life experience. However, on a positive note, it proves to me how much endurance resides within each of us when put to the test. That is a Global experience and those in the Western World living off the sweat and hard labour of 99% of the population have no ability to comprehend.

Now I could really spout off my opinion but once again will stop myself from getting on my soapbox.

Will update, hopefully with less painful news. Tonight I am on FIRE. Expected after having the vertebrae manipulated.

~ Tutte ~

Sorrow by my friend Gun Legler

It just occurred to me tonight that I am going through another major period of sorrow in my attempt to quite smoking. A cigarette in my hand has been a constant companion for 55 years. I recognize today it's just not a matter of giving up an addiction but an entire lifestyle that is so ingrained in the psyche. For the first time in 4 1/2 months, I subconsciously reached to my left to pick up the cigarette that would normally be resting in my husband's ashtray with his name engraved, ARCH, a gift to him from an employer. It took me totally by surprise and I immediately became aware of how ingrained this habit is regardless of how well I have been doing in my attempts. I have to admit perhaps repeating myself, that I don't want to quit but MUST out of necessity. That is a very different dynamic versus most others we have to deal with which are unexpected. I still don't want to and until I have a desire, the demon will remain a constant obstacle for me to deal with. I Hate This. Have Lost Everything and this was my last daily companion.

~ Tutte ~

Monday, November 14, 2011

A Fine Line

Life for all of us is about walking the Fine Line and finding the right Balance.

~ Tutte ~



As someone who has spent the last 8 years playing computer games because of my disabilities etc. I can promise that the above statement is true. Even the best of games get stale and not worth replaying. In life, we don't have the ability to shut off the computer of our mind when we are sick and tired of the same gameplay.

~ Tutte ~


I wish I could find some avenue of interest to interrupt the whirlwind of my negative thinking. What? I know what did in the past but am not able to recreate those interests anymore due to lack of the right circumstances. How does one re-invent oneself at 67? Don't have a clue.

~ Tutte ~

The Difference

A kind word, a phone call or an Email from a friend of family member can make a huge difference. They provide a little balm on the embers of my life.

~ Tutte ~

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Wanting and Needing

It's the Weekend and I always go down this path of Loneliness and Missing my Beloved.

~ Tutte ~


No matter where we find ourselves on the ladder of Society, everyone is just trying to stay afloat. Sadly many are choosing to do so at the cost to others. Could get on another soapbox but heading off to bed.

~ Tutte ~


It's so illusive. Another dimension, distance, physical, emotional or all just in the mind. We are never really seperated from all beings and events that have impacted our lives in profound ways. Especially those we have loved the most. Why dreams are a wonderful vehicle for reconnecting. They certainly are for me. I can still interact with my beloved grandfather whom I haven't seen since I was 9 years old.

~ Tutte ~

Medicine and Doctors

One may ask why I have not gone to a doctor with my current problems. The quick answer is that I have suffered with health issues since I was a child with little help. I never received the right advice or medications and nothing ever alleviated the pain or resolved the problem. I became very sceptical and as a result became my own physician. Eventually discovered that Medicine is a Business run by the Pharmaceutical companies at a high cost to consumers as are hospitals who need to perform surgeries in order to pay the bills and for new diagnostic equipment.

I eventually came to the conclusion after having had 9 major surgeries, that all I need are plumbers and carpenters. Those are practical skills and carried out very well by most Surgeons. There is little guess work involved. Have had great results by their labour and training. My Orthopeadic Surgeon started his career operating on large animals. That was a thumbs up since I was very overweight at the time. I could get on my soapbox around this topic but will stop here. Seem to have a multitude of soapboxes, probably because I live alone and never have someone to talk to or to pull the plug. I miss that immensenly, especially the feedback.

In the back of my mind is the idea of going to a chiropractor but hesitate since I worry about the negative ramifactions to my already compromised back. However, have a name of one highly recommended by a close girlfriend. Have been to chiropractors in the past and found most very helpful but I was young and in much better shape back then. In fact, one was kind enough to pay me a home visit when I couldn't get out of bed to go to the bathroom. Had to wear a diaper, handy since I had a 3 month old son.

Today I worry. All will depend on if time will heal this current problem or how much longer I can live with this level of pain. I know I should bite the bullet but money and the lack of it, is always in the forefront of my mind. The lack of money has been an issue for years and why I had to let so many things progress beyond where they should.

I don't suffer much from envy but do for those who have the means to maintain their health whether in terms of mental/eye or dental care. Why I empathize so much for the 40 million US citizens who have no coverage and millions of others suffering around the globe, especially the children. Rarely spoken of or reported on unless there is a major catastrophy. Then it becomes the current News thread and after a few weeks left in the dust. What happens afterwards is always a mystery to me. The Tsunami, the Earthquake in Haiti, etc. etc. etc. There is never a follow up and it pisses me off. I remember after the US invasion into Kuwait and the devastation of all the oil wells being set alight and the concern for the water in the Gulf and and it's impact on the marine life and food supply. Have never heard or read of the consequences via TV. I guess as I am writing this I am coming to the realization that I need to take responsibility for how well informed I am and do some researching. The mental state in which I have lived for so long didn't allow me to think too far beyond my personal struggle to stay somewhat mentally intact. Perhaps the future will. Sure hope so.

Less pain today so I am grateful.

~ Tutte ~

Always Something Positive to Focus On.

We just have to be diligent in finding something however small or incidental. I looked at all the fall leaves that rained down today by winds and marvelled at the myriad of colors. Nature is so magical.

~ Tutte ~

Time is the Healer or Is It????

I do know that it heals the sting of disappointments and physical pain. Thank God or women would only have one child. However, there are other types of pain that get buried out of necessity. The scars remain and the pain can be easily triggered by the most incidental things. Ask any PTSD sufferer.

~ Tutte ~

Western Culture Growing Fat on the Backs of Child Labour.

This image expresses my feelings. No need to say more.

~ Tutte ~

Saturday, November 12, 2011

If I Can't Keep Holding On...

Here is the Target

If only someone would shoot me. NOW. I need release from my pain & suffering.

I am in so much pain and have been for weeks. Tonight it has become unbearable. My upper body is on fire, every ligament in my shoulders and upper back are so tight it feels like they are ready to snap. They crackle when I move. The bottom of my shoulder blades feel like they are inundated with boils. No pain killers or my magical massage machine seems to help at the moment. I don't know how much longer I can live with this intensity of pain. Yet, have done it in the past when I had my ruptured discs and thought I would loose my mind. I eventually managed to heal myself via Ibuprofen and a heating pad but it took weeks.

Why is this happening to me???? Again? Especially now that I have found a lovely home to live in. It boggles my mind. No doubt it is due to stress and the current one is my attempt to give up smoking and the sneaking around for the odd puff. The underlying factor is my everlasting grief. That will remain with me forever regardless of my external circumstances. How does one overcome that profound sense of loneliness and longing. As Mother Teresa stated, the greatest pain is that of loneliness. I now know that to be true and witness it in the expressions on the faces of so many people I encounter on a daily basis as I live in a community largely populated by the aging, especially women who have been widowed.

This attempt to quit smoking is a far greater challenge than I had envisioned and must be affecting me to a far greater degree and at a deeper level than I expected. There is no doubt that the entire way I spend my time has been altered to the extreme. Having had my soother within a hand's reach for 50 years and now no longer there is a HUGE loss in terms of my comfort level. It's another great loss of a close and ever present friend and comforter.

I had to express my thoughts in order to help let them go and didn't want to burden my friends so have used this avenue tonight. No one can help me anyway and they would feel helpless but make some attempt to offer words of comfort. It wouldn't be fair to them.

Will update and hopefully with some good news.

~ Tutte ~

Monday, November 7, 2011


Some of our wishes will remain bottled up forever. However, IMO it is just fine to uncork the bottle and have a sniff of them occasionally. They remind of us our unfulfilled desires. They are part of who we are regardless. Unless they cause too much distress, do it. The experience will always be bittersweet if not painful. I expect the latter is often the case. Especially as we get older and have more history under our belt. When in the mood or have the courage, I uncork mine. Always happy I did however painful.

~ Tutte ~

Thursday, November 3, 2011


I had hoped that I would be able to treat myself by quitting and I did for 2 days. Felt quite proud but today, I experienced the trick of my own thinking and rationalization. I just couldn't keep it up. Perhaps because I have not been sleeping due to a pinched nerve in my neck and that seems enough stress to deal with for the moment. This problem has been going on for weeks so must see a chiropractor ASAP. My back is tied in knots on either side of my spine and my shoulder and upper arms are on fire. It feels much like a ruptured disc but less severe. I have Spinal Stenosis due to all the scar tissue built up over years of suffering from 5 ruptured discs in my lower back. The worst pain I have ever suffered.

Hope to make another attempt to quit shortly. I have to. Can't afford to smoke.

~ Tutte ~