Monday, April 30, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
How converse to all the years when I would go slug hunting in the evening with a spade in hand so I could cut them in half. At the time I thought that was more compassionate than pouring salt on them to let them dissolve. I remember vividly one evening, I killed over 700. I lived on an acreage and they came out like an army to forage every night. My motivation was to keep them off my vegetable patch and all my gorgeous plants. Still don't have any regrets since it was necessary. However tonight, I felt quite joyful that I could save a few lives. Worms irrigate our soil and leave their droppings as a fertilizer.
Makes me wonder now, how I was ever able to dig them up and thread them on a fishing hook and watch them squirm. I couldn't today.
I suppose we are capable of almost anything if there is a need for food. I take issue with doing that for pleasure. Thankfully, for most of us in the Western World that isn't a requirement. However, I am very aware that it may not be an option for all those who work in the meat/poultry industries and I have no idea how they are capable of doing that 24/7. I can't possibly imagine how they are able to cope with that on any level except as a means to provide for their families. I don't want to think about that any further. It's too painful and I don't have an answer.
And yet, I am somewhat of hypocrite since I still enjoy meat from time to time. Could I be capable of killing anything if I was starving? That is a question most of us are not faced with thank god but I expect I would/could. We hear stories of people who canebalize under extreme situations and due to starvation. Who are we to judge? I always think of "Walking in another shoes." Survival is the primordial instinct embedded within all life forms on the planet. So grateful that I have never been faced with that level of survival.
~ Tutte ~
Subsequent to this post, I will add that I was out later tonight and saw a huge black slug slowly crossing the pavement, I kicked him into the nearest patch of earth. Later when I returned to the same location and wanted an affirmation that I hadn't done him any harm, I discovered that he was happily procreating with a fellow slug. They are hermaphrodites BTW.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Sunday, April 15, 2012
The best thing about dreams is that fleeting moment, when you are between asleep and awake, when you don't know the difference between reality and fantasy, when for just that one moment you feel with your entire soul that the dream is reality, and it really happened.
My dreams are so vivid, I encounter so many of my deceased loved ones, travel to so many exotic destinations, I have a life full of adventure and the unexpected, that I have no desire to wake up to my reality. I am fully alive and joyful in my dreams.....why would I want to re-enter the 'real' world. Not sure anymore which is what. Reality I mean.
~ Tutte ~
Saturday, April 14, 2012
My sons are not available nor do I have grandchildren and expect I never will. That is the natural progression of aging for most. We need youth and the regeneration of our blood to keep us alive and young in spirit. Fortunately I still am despite that lack of family. Have no idea how to reintegrate that experience back into my life without my sons being present.
My month's stay in the hospital was like a vacation despite the pain and the GD bed. I was re-introduced to life, youth, people of various personality types etc. I just loved it. Sounds strange but an indication of what my needs are. Being part of a community of some community. A place to connect with others. With my recurring health problems and my dislike for wearing my dental plate leaves me with still limited options. I continue to think of what could/would fill that need.
Must find one but have no idea yet where. I know I have options in terms of Senior Activity Centers but can't envision myself doing that. I don't belong to any Church. What I loved about being in the hospital was the interactions I had with young people. Having spent 10 years visiting my mother in a nursing home and with seniors, that is not what will rejuvenate my spirit. I want youth and energy and a zest for life around me. People my age, share stories around their ailments and I have had enough of those. Not in the least joyful. I want JOY back in my life.
~ Tutte ~
Sunday, April 8, 2012
~ Tutte ~
And when I met you my heart sighed. The sigh radiated from the hole in my chest, from that place that had never seen light, from that place that had taken all of my joy and given me only loneliness.
"There you are," it said, "you don't know how long I have been waiting for you."
This feeling was experienced and acknowledged by both Arch and I and we recognized what a gift we received when we met one another.
~ Tutte ~
Thursday, April 5, 2012
An unusual image. (Not my Title) I had never thought of it before but now realize it applies to me since I NEVER allow myself to shed tears of sorrow or pain (Black Tears) but allow them to flow freely when I listen to a beautiful piece of music or am inspired by a story of overcoming and perseverance. Stories of when people reach out to others. Those are tears of empathy, compassion and joy. An affirmation of the highest good in people. My white tears are shed when I feel uplifted and inspired.
~ Tutte ~
There have been countless times in my life when I feel like I have been touched by Magic. Or what I choose to call Angels or the Universe. Whether with unexpected financial gifts from friends and family or letters from unknown people who express their appreciation for my Website. And for listening to my intuition so as to escape what could have been an accident or tragedy. I shall always remain grateful regardless of all the dark hours of my existence.
~ Tutte ~
I haven't entirely quit yet but know someday soon I will. It has lost so much appeal especially since I was in the Hospital. Smoked less than half a package the entire month. Perhaps because I was gifted with a daily patch or the effort of having to dress, go down and outside in whatever weather attached to an IV pole wasn't worth the effort.
Surprisingly and to my doctors as well, all my tests showed that my lungs are completely clear. I really wasn't as much since I don't have a cough or a raspy voice. Haven't had a cold or flue for the last 12 years. Is it due to Genes? I lived with 2nd/3rd hand smoke all my life. My Dad smoked as did my husband. Neither died of lung cancer. My 30+ year old sons who have lived with secondhand smoke their entire lives have had no health problems. Don't think they have ever seen a doctor except for stitches and a broken nose when they were very young. One smokes and the other doesn't. I don't condone smoking anymore and wouldn't recommend anyone do it. However, it is not as black and white issue as we are being told.
It has certainly lost most of it's appeal for me especially with my present dry tongue problems due to the antibiotics that I was innundated with for 6 weeks. Noticed a major change the second week. They killed off any harmful bacteria but some of all the healthy ones as well. Have noticed many changes in my body since. Have reduced my daily intake to about 5 a day. And they don't taste good and burn my tongue. Why I continue, I don't know. Will have to give that some thought.
There are so many toxins in the environment to compromise our health and causes cancer but smoking has become the scapegoat. That all I will say as I could get on another soapbox.
~ Tutte ~
I was recently informed that another cousin of mine has died. That now leaves one other, my older sister and myself, the last few to survive in that generation. It had a huge impact on me in terms of aging and how quickly the generations are passed onto another.
My life ended when my beloved died and since I have lived alone, in isolation for the last 13, those years feel like a vaccuum. Apart from the physical aspects of my body, my mind remains at 50, so to become aware that I am now last in line was quite an eye opener. Not because I fear death since that has been a wish of mine for years but just the reality that it can now occur anytime. I always had a premonition that I would die by the age of 70 and if that happens, it's perfectly fine. Ready to grow wings anytime.
~ Tutte ~
I have kept my head above the water. Saw the Plastic Surgeon yesterday who gave me two thumbs up and a clean bill of health. A visit with the Chiropractor whose treatments hurt like hell but in a good way and I know my neck and shoulders are slowly improving. Continue to walk and my strength and stamina are returning.
I feel so grateful from having been spared what could have been a devastating scenario.
~ Tutte ~
I have been called 'Weird' countless times by my sibling, however, I prefer to think of myself as unique and not fitting within any mold. I am a free spirit and that is one of the things I love most about myself. My youngest son is the same. It must be in the genes!?
~ Tutte ~
Monday, April 2, 2012
Now if only I could figure out what that is. Feel so frustrated at the moment as my body won't repond to my desire. Can't believe how tired I feel all the time. Can't even vaccuum my small apt. Too much shoulder pain....still. Hopefully that will change shortly as I continue with my Chiro treatments.