Sunday, June 24, 2012

My Treatments

My chiropracter, Mike who has taken me by the hand for over half a year in navigating the bridge of pain, free of charge, to provide some pain relief and mobility, had an accident last weekend. He belongs to a bicycle group and as they were riding, two deers jumped out in front of them. They had to scatter in order to avoid a collision which resulted in a major pile up. Mike was the only one who suffered a serious injury. Multiple factures to his collar bone. Bone protruding through the skin. Was taken to the ER where they had to insert plates and screws. His prognosis is very hopeful but for someone who spends his time using his strength to manipulate other's bodies this may take longer before he can return to work.

As a result, I won't be having treatments for at least 2 months. Not sure yet whether that is a blessing or a curse. I have been improving and hopefully will continue to without treatments. It at least will allow my body to settle in somewhat and heal. Time will tell. I will miss my visits since I always enjoyed the time I spent with him and his wife Sharon. Such a sweet couple.

~ Tutte ~

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Nature is Intwined in Heart of My Being

Always has been and will be forever. The Heartbeat of my Soul. Have felt forever totally grounded there since my earliest memories. Had my first garden at the age of 4. Spent a week on a farm at 12 where I learnt to drive a tractor, milk cows and shave off their winter haircoat. Absolutely loved all aspects. Could have been happy as a farmer my entire life.

Grew up with gardens wherever we lived as a family but once I left home and moved into a room in the city, I always returned home on the weekends so I could be outside. Mowing the lawn manually, rowing my boat and fishing on the lake at sunset. The years I was unable to do that, especially when I lived in Denmark, I worked a second job at night because I had no idea what to do with myself in a confined space. I have never found a way to live in an apartment and it plagues me immensely but will be something I MUST accept as my future. I expect this is the reality for many seniors as they age, become disabled and have to move into care homes. Has always been my greatest fear but living in my last apt. I dipped my toe into the pond of nursing homes. That's how it felt to me. I will slit my wrist or do something else before I will end up there. Have been too close to that scenario as I watched my beloved mother wither for 9 years before she died. I DO NOT WANT TO END UP IN A WAREHOUSE FOR THE DYING!

Can't recreate anyting similar without being able to walk out my door and into a garden. In the distant past I found the same experience through music which I can no longer listen to because it evokes so many memories and brings me to tears. I NEVER CRY and no idea why. I expect if I let the floodgates open, I will be swept away with the torrent and unable to stop. It's a fear of mine and always has been. I wonder when that started? I expect my Father put the plug in. Perhaps an unfair assessment but I can't think of any other except perhaps that when I did, it went unacknowledged and never validated. No doubt he was the cause of most of mine along with my bully of a sister. I had no armor to protect myself as I am a passive person and was always blindsided by their abuse.

~ Tutte ~

As a Child I was an Inspiring Artist

I drew and painted throughout my childhood. Wanted to become a Commercial Artist but that pursuit was impossible as I had to go to work to support myself at the age of 15. I have dabbled on and off over the years. Both with graphite/coloured pencils, and Oil Paints. Much to my surpise and delight I discovered I was so much better after a furlow of 10 years. I have many in my home and in others as well so I guess they weren't too amateurish. Just never became my passion although I know I have a Talent. I eventually discovered that my passion was my gardens which became a living pallette and far more satisfying on many levels. Think about doing something again artistically but can't find the motivation. I expect that depression overrides the creative impulse. At least it has for me.

~ Tutte ~

Monday, June 18, 2012

Can't think Clearly

My thoughts/posts and inner dialogue have become so repetitive that I apologize to my readers/followers. It is just another symptom of PTSD. Those of us who suffer from this, live with a hamster wheel in our brains that runs over the same things constantly. Have no idea how to escape this constant turmoil. I need some major distraction as when I was in the Hospital for a month. Removed me completely from the same old, same old. Outside stimulation and feeling part of the bigger world is the key. Have no idea how to recreate that for the moment.

~ Tutte ~

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Living in the Past makes you Homeless in the Now

If you are living in the past, you are homeless in the now. 

- Alan Cohen

This quote that just arrived in my Inbox sure resonates with me since I have little recall of the last 14 years. It's all a fog since there were no markers to create anything memorable. The only recall I have, are of my surgeries, the constant pain and the deaths of my beloved Mother, my friend Allen and my cat Myki. My memories of the first 50 years of my life are so acute in terms my sensory perceptions, ie. sights, sounds, touch and smells and what sustains me. Not much in recall of conversations. But I am a totally sensory being so no surprise. For how long can I go down that road however rich the landscape?

I am indeed homeless in the now and have no idea how to change things. A constant source of Anxiety. My existence is so far beyond my comfort zone and has been for years. I have no investment in living any longer. The pain is too overwhelming without the possibilty for some major change. I thought my recent move would help and it did briefly but it was just a small Band Aid and not enough to cover all the wounds in my heart and mind. It just made them less painful. 

I truly believe what would help the most is FAMILY. Currently that seems so illusive since both sons are distant. Grandchildren would add a totally new dimension to my life, I love babies, but don't expect that to happen either. 

I have to admit that I have countless questions as to why my life is so different from others on so many levels. No one to blame. Therefore, I don't have any anger, regrets, guilt etc. Life just happened to me in a very different way than for others in my circle of friends and associations. Nothing compared to what others suffer around the Globe.

I feel grateful that I am at peace in that aspect. Not sure what lessons I have left to learn in this classroom. No doubt if there are more, I will have to face them with the same amount of courage and stamina. Must admit that those aspects of my character are wearing thin. I always had the premonition since I was a child that I would die by the age of 70. Have no idea where that came from but that is my wish. I have lived long enough and learnt enough. 

I will leave when it happens with no regrets but a sense of accomplishment since I did the best I could. That has been my personal Mission Statement since I was 4 and had to repeat that Bible quote in Sabbath School.

~ Tutte ~


Wish I knew how to fix this. I stay up late because I don't want to go to bed to face another day of boredom, loneliness, depression and anxiety. I don't want to wake up for the same reasons.  My sleeping pattern has shifted once again and now wake up around noon which is very acceptable. However, because I have nothing to get up for I end up staying in bed for several more hours drifting. I always wake up from a dream state in which I have so many encounters and new experiences that it seem far more exciting than my actual reality. However, there comes a point where I can't drift any longer so I get up. The later the better.

Could I live in my dream state forever.....that would be a happy existence for me. So superior.

~ Tutte ~

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

My Demon PTSD

I can't believe the level PTSD has reached in the last week. I completely changed from sleeping all day to having only a couple of hours at night and awake all day. I woke up this early this moning with a high level of Anxiety and Suicidal thoughts. That hasn't occurred for over a year. Have no idea why since I went to bed in a peaceful space.

Fortunately I bit the bullet last week and went to see my GP who is always so kind in giving me sample prescriptions, one of which is Ativan. It wasn't until I returned from my drive after lunch today with so much stress in my stomach that I decided to take one. I had an apt. with my Chiro later and wanted to arrive somewhat normal. I did :) What I like about this med is that it just takes the edge off, drives the butterflies away and doesn't leave me feeling like a Zombie. I don't take antidepressant on a daily basis and haven't had Ativan for over a year.
I will continue to take it even it becomes addictive since it is much better than living in the state of Anxiety that I am currently, which frightens me. I did for many years prior to my move. I didn't have any Anxiety during the entire knee process so was shocked when it re-appeared once I came home from the Hosp. It's such a devastating condition to live with since it always manifest in my body before my brain. It blindsides me. Have no idea how to resolve this condition. I can't believe the impact it has on every aspect of my life. I may write about the details in another posting. I have come to the conclusion that I have changed immensely as a result and will never be able to recapture the Tutte of the past. Have a lot of grief around that. It's a huge topic which also includes the aspect of getting old. I am not aging gracefully, certainly not in spirit. My life as I knew it, ended with the death of my beloved. Since then it's all been downhill physically and financially. I must admit that I have a need for a Psycho Therapist but so beyond anything I can afford. So once again without the financial means, I am not able to take care of my needs, whether dental, eye care or mental health.

~ Tutte ~

Saturday, June 2, 2012

She's Alive... Beautiful... Finite... Hurting... Worth Dying for.

Let us not forget how beautiful our planet is with all it's diversity. It's a Jewel in the Cosmos. All of us with the right intentions can help in keeping it ALIVE.