Tuesday, June 5, 2012

My Demon PTSD

I can't believe the level PTSD has reached in the last week. I completely changed from sleeping all day to having only a couple of hours at night and awake all day. I woke up this early this moning with a high level of Anxiety and Suicidal thoughts. That hasn't occurred for over a year. Have no idea why since I went to bed in a peaceful space.

Fortunately I bit the bullet last week and went to see my GP who is always so kind in giving me sample prescriptions, one of which is Ativan. It wasn't until I returned from my drive after lunch today with so much stress in my stomach that I decided to take one. I had an apt. with my Chiro later and wanted to arrive somewhat normal. I did :) What I like about this med is that it just takes the edge off, drives the butterflies away and doesn't leave me feeling like a Zombie. I don't take antidepressant on a daily basis and haven't had Ativan for over a year.
I will continue to take it even it becomes addictive since it is much better than living in the state of Anxiety that I am currently, which frightens me. I did for many years prior to my move. I didn't have any Anxiety during the entire knee process so was shocked when it re-appeared once I came home from the Hosp. It's such a devastating condition to live with since it always manifest in my body before my brain. It blindsides me. Have no idea how to resolve this condition. I can't believe the impact it has on every aspect of my life. I may write about the details in another posting. I have come to the conclusion that I have changed immensely as a result and will never be able to recapture the Tutte of the past. Have a lot of grief around that. It's a huge topic which also includes the aspect of getting old. I am not aging gracefully, certainly not in spirit. My life as I knew it, ended with the death of my beloved. Since then it's all been downhill physically and financially. I must admit that I have a need for a Psycho Therapist but so beyond anything I can afford. So once again without the financial means, I am not able to take care of my needs, whether dental, eye care or mental health.

~ Tutte ~