Tuesday, March 26, 2013

In Retrospect

It's difficult now to remember how desperate I was for so many years and entertained this image as a means to an end. Fortunately due to my recent medication, this image is gone but I must confess that if some disease or accident happened to me I would be happy.
I don't suffer from anxiety on the level that I did, no physical symptoms thank God, but I still have no desire to wake up so in fact, I tend to sleep 12 hours a day. I think I have mentioned I have a fantastic and an unusual dream life, a dimension in which I encounter all my beloved ones, kind strangers as well and in so many different environments around the globe. I have no rational explanation as to why this occurs to me why  it has occurred from the time I was born. Remember 100's. But waking up from one of my dreams I am confronted with another day of the same old, same old. And profound loneliness. My only company is the computer and the TV. Both are an exercise in the virtual world. So I seem to live somewhere between dimensions versus the real world and must admit I much prefer that for the moment. It's is a form of escape from all the mental demons that pursued me for the last 12 years. .

On a more positive note, I want to say that my life has improved greatly since I moved 18 months ago despite my two hospitalizations due to falls. Had another recently, hit my head again but I was able to get up. Just another huge hematoma on my forehead. 

The improvement is no doubt due to my meds. They have allowed me to escape the constant negative hamster in wheel of my brain. However, the underlying reasons will be ever present. Primarily the loss of all my beloveds and becoming an orphan. I have no idea how to live alone without any family members to share moments and  memories with. This is not how we envision our future if we have had a family. Regardless of the circumstances, the loneliness is now what I face. One aspect of this situation as I age and am becoming more dependent on others for help, make me feel somewhat helpless. I so wish my 2 sons were able to meet that need.  I wake up every morning still wishing I wouldn't have to but without the level of anxiety I once did. To learn acceptance is a very difficult journey indeed. Probably the greatest. As human beings we need the support, company and interactions with others. It's in our genes.

I have met some very nice people in this building and it almost seems like a small community in that we all care about each other and check to see how everyone is doing. Have never had this experience before but am very happy about this turn of events. Had no idea a year ago, how I would make new friends. The good news is, I have.