Monday, October 31, 2011

My Demon Addiction

I knew I was addicted but had no idea how much. Am learning quickly now that I have been trying for months to give it up.

I have now determined the hold it has on me and I resent it profoundly. Can't stand having to sneek around to have a puff outdoors, going for a drive, being question by the manager and feeling guilty all the time. It's no wonder I don't have peace of mind even after having created a lovely nest. Can't stand the feeling of guilt. So opposite to my natural state of being.

Since tomorrow is the day for Trick or Treats, I am going to Treat myself by going Cold Turkey. Have tried an electronic cigarette and an inhalor and none seem to work. I know it is because I haven't been able to make a firm commitment to quitting. Can I pull this off, I have no idea. Will wear a patch upon waking.

Can't stand the way I am living currently. I should be in a happy space but it's become the opposite as I struggle with this demon. So much harder to do when I don't have a personal desire. I would never give up this 50 year comforter of mine if I could still afford it and didn't have to sneak around.

Will update in the future.

~ Tutte ~

Sunday, October 23, 2011

True Love until the End

I absolutely adore this image. This is how LOVE should manifest in old age.

~ Tutte ~


What is it but an illusion. I can't believe how it is speeding up and am sure everyone is experiencing the same. A week has now been so condensed that it feels like a day. Must admit I prefer that at this stage of my life. For the Youth of today, I expect someday, they will look back and feel cheated on some level.

~ Tutte ~


We need to trust that. When I was searching it never happened. When I let go, LOVE found me.

~ Tutte ~


So grateful for the deposits I made in my Memory Bank over the years that I constantly withdraw from. I happen to be one of those people who only remember the good. Perhaps most of us do but know some who only carry resentments and still feel victimized.

My wonderful memories have provided me with comfort for years when there was nothing else.

~ Tutte ~

Remembering the Mornings

I came across this image tonight and I had such a visceral response because it reminded of how I woke up every day for the last 7 years with thoughs of Suicide. Fortunately I didn't act upon them although I was always tempted.

~ Tutte ~


I just went through another terrible period of insomnia but thankfully it is gone once again. I really have no idea why I go through days of profound sleeplessness. A 2 hour nap several times a day and then it shifts. For the present, I am sleeping very well. I know it must have something to do with where my thoughts are and am trying to be conscious of that and change them. I think I expected to have left PTSD in the dust when I moved but realize there will be much residue and it will take time. Things have improved so greatly that I feel guilty for not appreciating my 'nest' as much as I had hoped.

However, I was aware ahead of moving, that this could be a byproduct.

~ Tutte ~

The Butterfly of Hope

Hope is the second most powerful aspect of being Human. Love is the FIRST. Without Hope, however diminished at times, it allows us to survive through the most difficult times. It can lift and carry most of our burderns. Sure did for me.

~ Tutte ~

Monday, October 10, 2011

Baptism of Tears

Loosing the person you love the most is the Baptism of Tears.

~ Tutte ~

A Tear

I rarely allow myself to cry. No idea why. They occur when I listen to music or am touched by something I see or hear. Always just a few silent ones.
Sure wish I could let them flow but I expect I am so afraid that if I do, the floodgates will open and there will be not end.

~ Tutte ~

Still Struggling

Haven't won the battle yet but it's getting easier as I become more aware of the triggers and to delay the need for instant gratification.

~ Tutte ~

Monday, October 3, 2011


“Worry looks around,
Sorrow looks back
Faith looks up.”

~Saint Xavier

Have experienced them all and they remain constant. Not just with me but everyone. We have yet to learn to Live Life In the Moment. I sure haven't although I am aware it is an option. Why? I don't know. There is no classroom to teach us how. The world and our parents instill a sense of fear and insecurity.

Loss instills a profound sense of sorrow for which there is no band-aid.

Faith is all that has kept me going even when I had lost all sense of Hope. The Lifeblood for living still somewhat intact. We cannot survive psychologically without it. I almost didn't. I still worry!

I am so profoundly lonely and lacking in focus. Even with this new move and content in my new home, I have come to realize that those 2 aspects of the past moved with me. Not entirely unexpected but clarified some of my issues. I must find something to become involved with if not passionate about....but what?

~ Tutte ~

Your Lips

The touch of Your Kiss my Beloved Arch was like a feather to My lips. I will miss them forever.

~ Tutte ~


Absence makes the heart grow fonder; but it sure makes the rest of you feel lonely.

- Charlie Brown

My Religion

When I do good, I feel good.
When I do bad, I feel bad.
That is my religion.

Source Unknown

Works for me and is a great barometer.

~ Tutte ~

Sometimes there aren't Words for How You Feel

Pay Attention to what You Say

Words are like arrows and penetrate the heart more than anything else. They leave wounds and scars that are hard to heal. Be vigilant and think before you speak.

~ Tutte ~

If You Could

There are so Many Things that Time Cannot Erase

Our Memories serve that purpose. Thank God. And usually they are very Positive. Pain seems to subside with time but the Joyful moments never do. I am so grateful since I have such a wealth of those.

~ Tutte ~

Sunday, October 2, 2011


I have been truly blessed all my life to have made lifelong friends. My Angels who have supported me in countless ways throughout the years. For the past seven, I have had to distance myself from those relationships because I didn't want to overburden them with my problems and leaving them feeling helpless. I made attempts to explain that it was not about them but about the process I was going through. Thankfully they must have accepted that explanation and didn't take it personally. Since I have moved, I have made very successful attempts to reconnect with all of them as my attitude has had a major shift and feel far more positive about the future. Hopefully this new shift in thinking will affect all aspects of my life. It's still all about taking baby steps.

Yesterday, I spent the afternoon with 3 dear friends with whom I shared many Summer Retreats in the past. We met through our Hospice activities. It was so wonderful to be able to experience that the love that bound us together in the past is still intact. One of those women had come in from Hawaii. We have communicated constantly via Email but it cannot replace the natural flow of energy, that warm hug and extension of love. I look forward to having many more 'Friendly Encounters' with friends as a result of this move. I have missed them profoundly.

~ Tutte ~