Friday, November 30, 2012

Flight or Escape

Ever since my last horrific episode of PTSD after I returned from a month in hospital where I litterally thought I was going crazy and realized my mind was the worst possible enemy I could have, I now have a medication that seems to help. Sadly not without side effects. The worst and most beneficial for me is that it removes me from having to feel my emotions. I no longer have the Anxiety attacks of the past that left me feeling suicidal but they also numb me  in terms of feeling much of anything.
However that is far preferable to the level of Anxiety I lived with for over 10 years. What I regret the most about this med is that I used to write from the level of my emotions about anything since I had nothing of normal life to to write about, so it was always my perceptions and assumptions. Now I find myself unable to respond to most of my emails. This is a huge loss but I recognize that in order to overcome PTSD, I have to be removed from all the thoughts and emotions that were driving me crazy. The meds have been a blessing regardless of their side effects.

~ Tutte~

Silent Tears

I have no idea why I can't cry. I will only allow myself to shed silent tears when I see something on the TV that moves me. Could be anything from a movie to a commercial but usually when I see a contestent who put his heart and soul into his performance, win or not. 
My being is so filled with unshed tears and without being able to release them, they manifest in my body in the form of disease and pain. Why can't I allow myself to cry is somewhat of a mystery to me. I don't like the way it makes my body and eyes feel nor the headache that follows. I never have headaches. The only explanation I can come up with is that as I child I was discourged to by various messages. I don't know, but wish I could find a release by a natural means that wouldn't make me feel worse.
~ Tutte~