Saturday, May 28, 2011

So Ready to FLY

My PTSD had reared it's ugly head once again as I face the unknown future. I have to send in my lease ternimation this weekend without knowing where or what my future home will be. I am so afraid, that my anxiety level has increased to an unbearable level. I wake up with feeling sick to my stomach, my heart wants to jump out of my chest and I have no appetite.

Will continue this later as I must head off to bed.

~ Tutte ~

Saturday, May 21, 2011


When I moved into this building bordering a 100+ year old forest at the end of a cul'd'sac I thought I it would be a peaceful place.

I have since discovered there is no silence here from the outside, a bustop under my bedroom window, the unbeliebable traffic flow based on the fact that I live above the main entrance so every delivery, garbage or moving truck has to pass by or park under my window. Also the noise from the fire trucks and ambulances that come in the middle of the night since this building houses mostly very senior citizens who have medical emergengies.

Not to forget the landscapers who take several hours to do the lawn and edges. Weedeaters and Leafblowers. It's unbelievably noisy and takes all morning once a week. At least it only lasts about 6 months.

Then on top of that, about 3 months ago someone decided to install an industrial fan to get rid of the exhaust fumes from the garage. This begins at 4 AM and runs until 11PM. My question has to be how many seniors are starting their car that early? Or how much traffic is there really? Makes no sense. I have complained and nothing has been done. Of course that is under my bedroom window along with the generator that spews out toxic diesel fumes when it kicks in. Then the shrill fire alarm that is turned on for an entire morming once a month. The alarm is right over my bed and is so loud and piercing.

Just when I thought nothing else could happen, this week I began hearing noises in my ceiling. So did the Managers office 3 floors below mine. They sent up someone to have an invesigation and nothing has been done since. It's still there and sounds like someone is cleaning your window with a dry squeegy. I guess that was the final straw and now regardless of how much Anxiety or Stress I have around this upcoming move, I know that is temporary versus the stress that would continue to plague me if I keep on living living here.

On top of that they turned off the heat today and I have to sit with a heavy sweater and socks on. I am stunned. It's not warm outside. I guess it's called saving money. I have major question around everything that occurs here. Older people need warmth so how this building, promoted for senior and the disabled, can justify that, blows me away. It is owned and run by a Charitable Society called Kiwanis. There is nothing here to make it more comfortable for either's needs except a lot of wasted space. I have to wonder who the hell designed this?

I hear through the grapevine that many people are leaving and I expect why there is always a For Rent sign.

~ Tutte ~

Almost There

I wake up every morning in an acute state of anxiety and I go to bed in the same way.
It's the state of Limbo I am living in currently and was initiated by PTSD so many years ago. I hate it and it seems so irrational. The adrenalin continues to flow incessantly and dries out my mouth and causes butterflies in my stomach and a tightness in the chest.

Of course this is all brought on my upcoming move, termination notice at the end of the month without a destionion. LIving in Survial mode and Limbo. The precursors to my PTSD. PTSD all seems so irrational intellectually since I feel I am in control over my packing and all that needs doing. In fact, way a head of schedule. However, PTSD, is like having a foreign entitity living in the body that controls one's mind andd becomes it's captive. It requires a great deal of mental effort in acknowledging what is happening physically/mentally and then convert it into a positive attitude. I spend at least 4 hours every morning doing that. God, I don't wish this disease on anyone. I hope this isn't a life long condition and will change once I change my environment to a place of peace. That is my greatest hope. That once I find a nest and a peaceful place, my body/mind will change accordingly.

~ Tutte ~

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Love Survives

Long after the music has ended
And after the sun is set
After the roses have turned dry
When tears no longer fall from your eyes

Love lives on

In what remains of a lasting touch
In the deafening echo of laughter
It lives on in the cold, darkness of night
Where memories once were made

Long after goodbyes have been said
And after the phone goes dead
After the door is slammed shut
When another pictures is placed in the frame

Love still remains

In that one last `I love you'
In dreams that will never be made
It remains lost in the warmth of the arms of another
When trust was found and comforts gained

Long after the hurt is no more
Love lingers on
And after the chances have been lost
Love never fails
Even after the new day has begun
Love tries
When promises have not been fulfilled

Love survives