Saturday, May 21, 2011

Almost There

I wake up every morning in an acute state of anxiety and I go to bed in the same way.
It's the state of Limbo I am living in currently and was initiated by PTSD so many years ago. I hate it and it seems so irrational. The adrenalin continues to flow incessantly and dries out my mouth and causes butterflies in my stomach and a tightness in the chest.

Of course this is all brought on my upcoming move, termination notice at the end of the month without a destionion. LIving in Survial mode and Limbo. The precursors to my PTSD. PTSD all seems so irrational intellectually since I feel I am in control over my packing and all that needs doing. In fact, way a head of schedule. However, PTSD, is like having a foreign entitity living in the body that controls one's mind andd becomes it's captive. It requires a great deal of mental effort in acknowledging what is happening physically/mentally and then convert it into a positive attitude. I spend at least 4 hours every morning doing that. God, I don't wish this disease on anyone. I hope this isn't a life long condition and will change once I change my environment to a place of peace. That is my greatest hope. That once I find a nest and a peaceful place, my body/mind will change accordingly.

~ Tutte ~