Sunday, July 29, 2012

Re-awakening Foot

Can't believe the improvement in my leg and foot during the last week. It's quite mind boggling to me after months of concern and anxiety while walking or driving. My confidence has returned and I almost feel like dancing.

The question of course is what caused this and it's current resolution. I suffer from Spinal Stenosis, (narrowing of the Spinal Canal, no doubt due to my  5 major episodes of ruptured discs).  With my frequent visits to my dear Chiro over the last six months, in which one aspect of his treatments has been to manipulate my lower back I have to wonder if that was the cause.

He was injured over a month ago and unable to return to work for 6 months so no further manipulations for me and perhaps why the improvement in my leg and foot. I don't fault him in any way, since the nerves from the neck down are all interconnected and have certainly received huge benefits to my shoulder which was the initial reason I sought his assistance.

I am so grateful for this improvement and the confidence in my mobility which of course leaves me without another layer of Anxiety.  I am feeling very hopeful at the moment that I won't have any further health problems. Not to forget my fear of falling which has plagued me for the last 3 years. I hope it will never occur again. Every incident has been so terrifying and left me feel much too vulnerable.

~ Tutte ~

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Less Anxiety Currently

Have had much less Anxiety in the last week. More psychologically peacerful. Not really clear as to what is making the change occur. No doubt that as the pain in my shoulders has diminished an am gaining more confidence while walking has had a major impact. Sleeping so much better is a major factor. No longer a Whirling Dirvish when I get into bed.

I don't really have a need to question or examine it too much for fear it will change. Perhaps all the internal work I am doing in trying to be aware and diligent about changing any negative thoughts. I am truly trying to live in the moment versus projecting all my fears about my future health, my financial situation and my distate for becoming old and alone. These thoughts are what have plagued me for so long. Trying to live in the moment is a major challenge. Probably the most difficult one I have had to face. If I don't learn how to do that I will always life with a state of Anxiety that is so dibilitating to all body/mind systems.

~ Tutte~

Friday, July 13, 2012

Improving with gratitude

The last few days have left me feeling much more secure as the nerve in my foot that was causing me so much anxiety appears to be returning to normal. Not entirely but I am walking better and on top of that my shoulders have improved immensely. Have little pain in my right and minimal in my left. I feel like I have returned to the state I was a year ago.
I pray it will continue.

~ Tutte ~

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Breathe In

Breathe in the earth, the trees, the flowers...
Breathe in the plants, the minerals, the animals...
Breathe in the ocean, the lakes, the streams...
Breathe in the air, the sky, the clouds...
Breathe in the sun, the moon, the stars...
Remind yourself... "I AM THIS"


I have always been an Observer standing somewhere outside the stream of every day life and relationships. Perhaps why I have never participated much in conversations nor recall many. I recall my impressions and perception versus words and the feelings I experienced in the process. I find it far more interesting to listen. People reveal much more about themselves than their actual words convey.  Most are unable to listen to others as they have a need to inject and interrupt. I find this difficult to deal with as it doesn't allow for a continuing thread of thought. Especially now as I have gotten older and it becomes more difficult to remember where I left off. The outcome I expect, is that I will share less and less. What is the point anyway if no one hears what I am saying. Having lived in isolation for so many years and with my own thoughts, I am unfamiliar with having them interrupted so no doubt I am out of step with the rest of the world. I expect people do this because they know they have to talk quickly otherwise they won't be heard. It's a sad state of affairs. Fortunately I was married to a man who was a fantastic listener. He would come home from a plane trip and share his seat companion's entire life history. Probably why I fell in love with him initially. Someone finally allowed me to speak and listened attentively and with genuine interest.

Why this came up tonight is because I went out for a smoke and stood on the same walkway as I did last night. I had inadvertendly stepped on a snail and noticed a few hours later a slug was gorging himself on the remains. Tonight when I returned, he was still in feeding mode but an hour later had eaten the entire thing. I wondered to myself, how many people would have been aware of this occurence. I expect very few. But that is how I have lived my life and why I loved my gardens. They provided me with a window into all the different aspect of what goes on in a garden on many levels. Above or below ground. I miss that more than I can express. I felt so grounded in that environment.

So much more satisfying, rewarding and life enhancing to be an observer and a listener.

~ Tutte ~

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Oh My God. I Fell Again.

This time in my kitchen and with my sandals on Thank GOD. They helped provide the traction I needed to 'butt' crawl across the kitchen floor, the hallway and my bedroom until I could get to my bed. By that I mean I was able to inch my way by rocking my buttocks back and forth. Took half an hour plus and once I got to my bed spent another 15 minutes trying to figure out how to get into it. It should be so simple but in my case it isn't having 2 knee replacements, both now compromised with my last fall and a hip replacement and doesn't appear too stable. In addition with my Tendonitis in both shoulders, I have no strength left whatsoever.  I am so grateful that I didn't incur any major injuries. Just a very sore right knee, and elbows  but no hematoma TG. And as of today, no obvious injuries to my shoulders.

My physical situation scares the shit out of me especially since I live alone. Maybe it was due to having a sleeping right foot which causes me great concern. Expect it is the same nerve that wakes me up at night with splayed toes on both feet facing east or west. Have to get up and walk around to get rid of the cramps. No doubt due to my surgeries and all the scar tissue accumulated from 5 major episodes or Ruptured discs. I was diagnosed with Spinal Stenosis. ( Narrowing of the Spinal Canal)  I have no recall of what casued the fall, it happened too quickly. As I had just come in from a walk outside and putting my sweater on a chair, I expect I have might tripped on the sleeve left on the floor. I will never know. But accidents happen due to the unexpected. Thankfully I landed on my butt versus my face.

Bottom line.... my body is a wreck and it doesn't provide me with any sense of stability and security. Hate the way I am aging much too early, began at 50  but especially since I am alone. Who would have guessed this is how I would enter Old Age? Not me. Arch, if he is aware, would be shocked. He was so fit until the end. However, his major concern for me was around falling. Perhaps he had a premonition.

Or it was due to my first fall when I was 3 months pregnant and feeling sick after a CT scan. No connection just coincidental . I felt nauseaus and went to the bathroom. I vomited into the toilet and passed out, pitched head first into the bathtub. Fortunately I didn't hurt myself, I sure could have as all the taps were so close to my head. I could have had a concussion or worse. Arch heard it all from the bedroom and rushed in to see me lying unconcious and proceeded to retrieve me from he tub. Not an easy task with a dead weight of.200 lbs at the time. I finally revived and was put back in bed. He had to clean the entire bathroom from all the vomit that I had spewed everywhere. He got me settled into my bed with a bowl between my knees in case I needed to vomit again.

I did, passed out, unconscious, my head shot backwards and hit the headboard and once again spewed vomit all over the bed. I recovered without any injury. Poor Arch, had to change the bed etc. He never complained but was so concerned and attentive. It was undoubtedly an experience that left a profound  impact on him and became his ongoing concern. Rightfully so since it has now become the Greatest Health Risk for me. Who would ever have guessed since I was so agile and strong prior to turning before 50. Could probably have competed with any man. Still can't accept it myself.

With Arch's premontion resurfacing, I will now be more aware and become concious of every step or move I make. Sure limits one's independence. That sucks, along with all my other issues.

 ~ Tutte ~