Sunday, January 29, 2012

Float With Me in My Dreams Tonight

I could really use the warmth and comfort of your arms my Beloved. Someone to kiss my booboos and make the pain less intense and intrusive.

~ Tutte ~

The Little Girl Inside

The little girl who was so trustful, innocent and hopeful still resides within but is so ready to pack her bags and leave 'this home' for a less painful existence.

I am so depleted of strength to deal with more physical pain and depression. The pain is becoming more intense after my fall and no doubt will require many more treatments.

~ Tutte ~

Friday, January 27, 2012


That includes Love. Once we give up the Search, Magic happens. Have heard that from so many. Leave it up to the Universe and trust it will happen but leave your agenda and ego behind. Be open to receive.

It happened for me but I had to reach a level of maturity before I was able to appreciate the person sent to me. Had it occurred a few years earlier, it never would. I wasn't able to appreciate or even recognize the qualities in a person I really needed.

~ Tutte ~

Help, I have fallen and can't get up.

What I fear the most happened again today as I left the Chiropractor's office. I didn't notice the small incline in the pavement to the parking lot and fell on my face and knees. Fortunately at the same time a car pulled into the driveway across the street and I called for help. The young fellow ran over and I asked him to get my Dr. The two of them managed to scrape me off the pavement. I retrieved my glasses and struggled back into the waiting room. I felt some fluid running down my cheek and very painful knees.

Once I sat down, the Chiro and his wife began tending to my wounds as my body went into a full shock response. It began to shake uncontrollably. I had a cut to my cheek and other abrasions to the left side of my face and forehead. I pulled up my slacks to see what damage had been done to my knees and was shocked to see my left knee swelling exponentially with a cut as did my right although not swelling. Both were bandaged and eventually my shaking stopped and I was able to drive home with the scratched lenses on my glasses. How fortunate I was to have an immediate response to my call for help otherwise I could have been lying there until my Chiro left for the day. I was the last appt. and it was dark outside so it wouldn't have been too long but in the meantime, I would have been terrified.

Once I got home, I put a bag of frozen corn on my left knee to stop the swelling as it continue to expand. I have never seen a hematoma this large. The size of a Football and becoming discolored already. I expect it will turn purple shortly. It occurred to me as I began to feel a stiffining in the joint (a knee replacement on both so a concern) that the best thing I could do was to move it and get the fluid moving so all evening I have been going out for walks with a cane and it's amazing how much that has helped.

Now the question becomes how will this impact all the other problems I have been seeing the Chiro for, in the last 2 months. I was really beginning to feel some progress. No doubt I used my arms and shoulder to break the fall as I have in the past with my prior falls and have been the cause of what I suffer from today.

Will have to get a new pair of glasses which is probably a good thing since I was feeling less balanced when I walked. I wear trifoculs. Don't really want to spend the money but will have to. For safety if nothing else.

This aspect of my physical health really scares me since I am unable to get up without help when I fall. If that occurs when there is no one around to help me, I will be completely helpless. I may have to think about getting a cell phone again for just the availability of being able to call 911. Living alone and on such a minimal income, I have to weigh my monthly expenses but I must look into this ASAP. I need the security of knowing I can call for help. Today's incident was a good reminder.

Postscript. With all the major falls I have had over the years, I have never had a broken bone. I find that totally amazing but thank God. Have fallen on my face twice without a broken nose.

~ Tutte ~

Saturday, January 21, 2012


What is it about a human being that allows for the clubbing and slaughter of such a precious animal. Except the almighty dollar.

We Canadians are so guilty as this happens yearly on our East Coast.

Is there anything left that won't be exploited, slaughtered, bombed etc. to achieve wealth for a few at the cost to the majority of the world's population?

Life in general for the masses based on the Politics and Global game play suffers and I'm not sure it will ever change.

~ Tutte ~

Friday, January 20, 2012

We Must All Learn to Live by the Tune of Our Own Drum

I have two sons and the youngest came in with his own drum and has been playing it ever since. He is content, creative and happy. The older, I don't believe has ever heard it and seems lost and depressed. I have heard my own from time to time and finally discovered it in my 40's and then it was taken away from me unexpectedly through circumstances. I have no idea what to replace it with and it causes me a sense of profound grief. However, I am grateful I did have the opportunity to experience it however fleeting. Most people never do. I choose to replace the word Drum with Passion.
I have asked all my friends over the years what their Passion is and few can answer it. Some don't even understand what I mean. That IMO is tragic. There is a Drum within each of us but we put up so many barriers so it won't be recognized even if it should appear. Fear, lack of self-esteem etc. put up blocks. The bottom line is EGO and fear of failure.

~ Tutte ~


I expect that is why a person's appearance is ultimately of little importance. Some of the most wonderful people I have met would never be classified as handsome or pretty. Thank God.

~ Tutte ~

Another Extraordinary Performance

A Innocent Time Remembered

This image reminded me of my first encounter with romantic feelings. I was 12 and staying on a farm of a widower with a 17 year old son, a friend of my parents.

I spent a few days during the summer learning how to milk, ride a tractor and everything else that goes with living on a farm. It was quite magical but more than anything else was when Ronnie, the son, took me to the hay loft to explore all the tunnels he had built as he piled the bales of hay. It was dark and warm and he had to hold my hand to guide me through this labyrinth. I felt a spark of something totally unexpected and unusual. Didn't know how to integrate or know what it meant. That was the beginning of many new experiences to come.

~ Tutte ~

Drowning in a Pile of Books

Both my husband and I were avid readers. Had a library filled with 1000's of books. Our favorite outings were to second hand book stores and libraries. We each had our night tables stacked high with books. With all the downsizing I have had to do over the years, I have given away 100's of boxes of books to charities. Difficult as I was so attached all of them. For the last 15 years, I haven't been able to read at all since I can't focus my thoughts. It's been such a huge loss and hope I can recapture that enjoyment once again. It would provide for a daily outing as well.

~ Tutte ~

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Sometimes we only become aware in retrospect.
~ Tutte ~

Friday, January 13, 2012

An Awe Inspiring Performance

As I am having so many physical problems currently it is wondeful to see how the body can function in it's perfection. I absolutely adore this video and watch it several times a day. I find it sensual and sexy and love the throaty and passionate voice of Canada's Ginette Reno. Appropriate to accompany this performance.

~ Tutte ~

A Soul without Peace

I awaken every day regardless of the hour, with a desire not to. I am catapulted from a life of interaction, familiar and beloved deceased family & friends, adventure, color, activity, creativity in my dreams to the reality of another day of nothingness except how to pass empty hours of loneliness sitting in front of my PC. I am so GODDAMNED TIRED OF DOING THIS but have no idea what to replace it with. Perhaps Spring and thinking about how I want to decorate my balcony will help. God, I sure hope so. My Dream Life is so Superior to Reality. I guess I should be grateful on some level. Perhaps I have a foot in two dimensions. Sometimes I tend to think I do. Most people don't have the type of Dreamlife life I have since as far back as my memories go. 100's I still remember.

~ Tutte ~

Empathy for the Plight of Women In the Middle East

It is only during the last two decades that the Western World has become aware of the plight and suppression of women in the Middle/Far East. Hopefully with the current Awareness and High Tech, things will improve exponentially. Can't even imagine what it would feel like to live as these women do. I complain about my issues but they are nothing in comparison to theirs. My Heart Bleeds.

~ Tutte ~

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The Smell of You

That's a very familiar image. My beloved was always attracted to my aroma/odor in whatever situation. Loved that. He found it very sensual/sexual. As I did his. Can still remember it in my mind even after so many years. It was so sweet and fresh. Pheremones are probably what attracts us initially whether we are aware or not.

The most subtle of memories never fade away, at least for me. I have always been an acutely sensory being so not surprised by the nuances of life as I remember them. It's both a blessing and a curse.

~ Tutte ~

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Aging Skin

It took me a long time before I became aware that the 'dust' in my bedroom was in fact, dried out flakes of my skin that I was shedding. Of course it had become evident prior to as I witnessed my skin drying out. Just never made the connection.

I finally understood what I had witnessed happening to my mother many years ago. Didn't think too much about it at the time and she never mentioned it to me. Not sure if it happens to men as quickly or dramatically. Lack of Estrogen I expect, is a key factor.

Getting old totally sucks as the brain remains young for most of us and how we see ourselves in our mind and in my dreams, I remains ever youthful. Walking in front of a mirror today is like walking into a House of Horrors. Absolutely nothing 'Golden' about our latter years, even if some are in good health. Sadly not in my case.

~ Tutte ~

Friday, January 6, 2012

Discarded Wings of Perfection

Some of us are people pleasers and always looking for approvel. We want to be viewed as Angelic/good/lovable, I expect.

With the onslaught of PTSD I came to accept that the wings I had adorned myself with, no longer served me on any level. A mask I had worn for 50 years...why? I'm not sure but undoubtedly the need for approval was instilled at a very early age. I know this is a universal experience especially for females. It was time to put ME first. It was not by choice but by necessity and I found it very difficult and guilt enducing the first few years. Still do occasionally but it has become easier to say NO and to voice my own needs in a manner that I hope my friends/family can accept. I discovered that being truly honest in my expression was very helpful as I was very conscious of not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings as they attempted to reach out.

It's such a tragedy that we can't just be who we really are at our core and express it in it's perfection. It's all about the Ego and Fear.

The only wings I am interested in are now are the ones that I will receive when I transition into a butterfly to take flight on my way back to the Source.

~ Tutte ~

Anger at the Moon

It is always at night that my heart beats for what I don't have.

It's the growing dusk that has me longing for intimate closeness.

It is in the midst of twilight that my mind races with the scent of desire.

It is the pull of the moon that brings forth the torrid memories of passion that always keep me sleepless, restless and sweating.

Thinking of You.

Damn the moon to hell for its constant reminder of love lost.

~ Diginatii ~


Have been visiting my Chiropractor now for 6 weeks and occasionally feel some relief and then like tonight the pain returns. Can barely lift my arms. So damned painful and debilitating.
Why? Why? Why? is the question I ask myself, did this happen now? Wish my Arch was here to comfort me with both touch and voice.

~ Tutte ~

Sunday, January 1, 2012

In Remembrance of my Best Friend.....Ever!

3 Years ago tonight my best friend Allan, who introduced me to this song, died in his sleep at the age of 60, to be discovered 5 days later. It was a huge shock and I shall never forget him. His last call to me was a few hours before he died.
We should all be so fortunate to have a friend like I did for 40 years regardless of the great distance between us. We did manage to visit back and forth from time to time. He lived in Denmark but would phone every Saturday and we would have a 3 hour chat. Oh, how I miss those.

~ Tutte ~