Saturday, December 31, 2011

I Was Told Every Day

My Beloved Arch told me every day that he Loved Loving Me. Is there a greater gift that any person can receive? It is really what everyone is yearning for. I have been truly blessed.

Click on it anyway and you will be able to see it on YouTube.

~ Tutte ~

The Best Way to Begin the New Year. I did in the Distant Past

Happy New Year

I love this picture because it depicts to me, the struggles
encountered by so many Globally and their desire for change.
Their courage and sacrifice to stand up for freedom and democracy
should inspire us all to lend our support.
Hopefully the New Year will provide for their comfort.

~ Tutte ~

Sunday, December 25, 2011


I came across this picture years ago and saved it because I felt such empathy for this women. Tonight as I was out after midnight in the dark to have a few puffs of a cigarette, that image emerged in my mind and I identified with her completely. Profound Loneliness and Lack of Purpose or Productivity is the worst disease of all and I expect most seniors feel the same. That was also expressed by Mother Teresa who walked the streets amongst the poorest and most lonely.

~ Tutte ~

The Rose sung by LeeAnn Rimes

My longest and dearest girlfriend sang this at Arch's Memorial Service. Have always loved this song and this is a beautiful presentation.

~ Tutte ~

Saturday, December 24, 2011


This is a Very Unsentimental image but that is how I view this Season.

It has no meaning for me whatsoever any more as I have had to celebrate it by myself for the ? years. Xmas is about sharing, giving, receiving and in the company of our loved ones. Most are no longer present or available and since I don't believe in the birth of Christ at this time of year is doesn't have are religious aspect either.

However, I remember so vividly with loving memories, all the magical Xmas's of the past. My beloved Arch was a living embodiment of Santa Clause. He absolutely loved the season. He cooked, baked, bought present and wrote magical and funny notes to accompany everyone. He had such a fantastic sense of humour. The note would bring more pleasure than the gift. Christmas without him, is NOT Christmas.

God, how I miss him. Still...... and always will.

~ Tutte ~

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Maksim Mrvica - Child in Paradise

Since childhood, I wanted to be either a Pianist, an Opera Singer or an Artist. Sadly never had the opportunity to do either. Have dabbled in the Arts via painting and drawing and then discovered it wasn't my passion. Instead, I used my gardens as my living palette and had the pleasure of doing that for over 25 years. That became my passion and where I found Peace, no matter what stressor were happening. Loosing that is my second greatest loss. My hubby being the first.

When I discovered this Video I became fascinated by the speed and dexterity that is involved with playing at his level. Years and years of practise no doubt. Love this piece of music because of the build up of tension.

~ Tutte ~


Music had been such a huge part of my life and sadly I haven't been able to listen for years because the old and familiar brought up so much pain and tears. Today, I need new music to create new memories and I recently discoverd the piece of music below. I have become quite addicted to it because it is so peaceful. I often play it before I go to bed to calm me down.

~ Tutte ~

Maksim Mrvica - Claudine original

Tuesday, December 20, 2011


Relate totally with the message. Charlie Chaplin introduced it.

~ Tutte ~

Just discovered how to imbed videos into my blog. So simple and will use it frequently I expect.

~ Tutte ~

Sunday, December 18, 2011

The Golden Years

What an Illusion for me but obviously not for others. So happy on their behalf. That is how it should be.

~ Tutte ~

The Void Within

Discovered the following that I wrote in 2009 and it remains true today. Wish it wasn't so but have no idea how to change anything. With what do I replace the loss of all my loved ones? Most departed and others living far away. I have become an orphan without any family nearby for support and comfort. No one to share memories with. As we become seniors that is an enormous need.

I just have to write this down since it is the first time that it has finally reached a concrete level of awareness for me.

The only way I can describe it is to say, that I feel this huge craving/void that starts from my throat and descends to the pit of my stomach. It constantly needs to be fed but regardless of what I put into it, whether by smoking, drinking, food, chocolates, music, etc. etc. it won't go away. IT JUST WON'T GO AWAY!!!!!! I haven't found a way to feed it. It feels like a cancer......! Always looking for a source of nourishment and coming up with nothing. It began 30 years ago with the constant episodes of being in survival crisis, the death of Arch and my boys leaving home, it slowly began eroding my skin and bones until it left me disabled. Then to my mouth that has left me without the pleasure of enjoying food. The question now becomes, how much further will it grow in order to be fed? To my mind, heart and brain until they finally succumb to the terrors it imposes on me?

I suspect it could be diagnosed as Loneliness and lack of stimulation, isolation, love, touch, joy and hope. Without real empathy and understanding from anyone, and I say that respectfully since no one can walk in my shoes, I don't have an avenue to reach out.

At the moment, I have no idea how to resolve this......I believe I know what could but I don't have the means. On a moment to moment basis, I am having to suppress my emotions, desires and what little hope I have left but that is not a way to live. I don't know how much longer I can hang on to a sliver of optimism and hope that there is a light at the end of this forevever long tunnel. I am coming to the long will it take for me to find a release????????????? I wish I could end it here and now but I JUST CAN'T.

I wrote this before my move and was in utter despair. Thankfully my external environment has improved (not the financial restraints that stifle me from doing what I wish) but that doesn't change the internal one. Now that it Xmas Season the loneliness is such much more pronounced. Detest the month of December for many reasons.

~ Tutte ~

Saturday, December 17, 2011


I have no desire at my age to expose my naked body to someone I have not been intimate with since my youth. I expect most widows as they age, feel the same. It doesn't diminish the desire and the loneliness.

In response to a conversation I had with my Chiropractor's wife who works in the office and discussing aging, I responded to her statement of not being the golden years, by saying "NO, They are God Damned Rusty".

~ Tutte ~


It's the weekend again and memories are flooding over me.

~ Tutte ~

'Tis The Season

~ Tutte ~


We all wear them. There is the one for the public, one for family/friends and then perhaps the most important of all.....the one we wear to hide from ourselves. The most difficult to confront and discard.

~ Tutte ~

A Memory

36 years ago this week while on my honeymoon in Hawaii sitting on a beach with my beloved, we were awestruck by the size of the waves (30 - 40 feet) and the skill of the surfers.

A fellow was knocked off his board and desperately tried to reach the shore but the undertow kept pulling him back out. The crowd on the beach kept shouting words of encouragement and he finally managed to with some strength and breath left. Perhaps just a will to live. The medics arrived and he survived. Frightening to witness. These people have a lot of courage.

Sometimes when the surf becomes too big in our own lives, we MUST hang on until we are rescued. Most of us are thankfully. A good reminder in all aspects of life experiences.

~ Tutte ~

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

The Future?

I have been looking through the fog of the past 7 years with PTSD and am beginning to realize what a profound effect this has had on me now that it is in the past. I can say that now because I have NOT had a major Anxiety episode since I moved 5 months ago. Thank God. However, there is so much residue left that I still have to deal with. The constant influx of negative thinking that laid down pathways in the brain that need to be rewired. I continue to remind myself to be patient. It ain't gonna happen overnight. It's all baby steps but am so grateful that I have reached a point where that is an option for me.

~ Tutte ~

A Desire Within Myself

I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy;
the most profitable explanation is that I was made for another world.

C. S. Lewis

Have always felt that way as long as I can remember. Didn't want to come in and it took my mother 11 days of labour to eject me bruised and disformed. Fortunately the evidence disappeared. Have never felt like I was a fit. Still don't. I think and view the world so differently.

~ Tutte ~


We should be like butterflies,

and have the courage to face the metamorphosis of life,

to be free …

~Author Unknown ~

Friday, December 9, 2011

How Much Longer?

I continue with my visits to my Chiropractor and it's become a very interesting and painful experience. I am in more pain today versus what I had when I went for the first visit. He forwarned me that it would be a 'Tug of War' and IT IS!!! Today I have been in so much pain especially in my right shoulder that I could barely pick up a cup of coffee. The movement is becoming very limited and what I feared the most. I don't want another frozen shoulder.

At the moment the pain is radiating into the middle of my back and keeps shifting all the time. At times it becomes unbearable and am so ready to give up the fight. I know I won't but GOD, what a painful process.

~ Tutte ~

Saturday, December 3, 2011