Saturday, June 25, 2011

A Reminder

As I was sorting through my cupboards I came across the box that contains my beloved mothers ashes. I put them on top of the fridge so I wouldn't forget them. Every time I look at them my heart does a flip flop and twists. I guess that is why I have wanted to keep them out of my sight versus having them in an Urn somewhere in constant view.

Years before my Mom died, I promised to keep them until I died and then have both of ours buried with my husband who was buried at the bottom of his mother's grave. It seems so appropos that the four of us should eventually rest in peace in the same space. He adored his mother who died when he was 15 and cried every time he mentioned her. I adored mine and Arch and I adored each other. What could be a better conclusion? Of course I believe we will all rejoin in some space and time far from this earthly experience, but seems perfect for our earthly experience. My sons thought I was being morbid. I view it very differently.

It was intended as reminder to my step children and my own who may not have been aware of my wishes so they can follow through with them, when the times comes. One has to be practical and make one's wishes known from time to time as we all tend to forget, especially when it is a topic that doesn't come up for discussion very often. I don't think I ever told my boys but have to my step-children who would have to take care of everything since they live relatively close by.

It needed to be stated however, just like a Living Will. Items we choose not to think about but might be forced to. It's just good to know. We should all express our wishes in writing to someone.

The above picture was taken when we laid my beloved's headstone at the feet of his mother's.

~ Tutte ~


I deliberately set myself up to have my addiction stolen from me by moving into a No Smoking Apt. I have bought a box of Nicotine patches and a pkg. of cigarettes in case I become overly distraught. To move, sleep in a new environment that doesn't feel like home is very stress inducing.....but I WANT to quit so thought this was a great motivator.

If I become overly stressed, I can go out into the parking lot and have a puff. Smoking on the balcony is not allowed. I am also so unfortunate in having the manager live next to me. Sort of like living with the No Smoking Police I guess.

Will let you know how it goes. But this way I have no choice and truthfully, I so desire to have open my door to a sweet smelling apt. and have no more yellow stains to deal with anywhere.

~ Tutte ~


It's time to count down. Only 2 more days to go before I can extricate myself from the brambles of my current confinement.

It's been a long and very difficult exercise due to my lack of energy, stamina and pain so I am glad I got a head start.

Now the most difficult job is ahead of me and that is packing all the crap we don't know what to do with and doesn't fit in a box.

All else is in place in terms of Utilities, PC, etc. for the day I move in. I know for sure my priority is to get my PC and TV set up first since those are my comfort zones. I will be unpacking and cleaning for days/weeks to come but I will need my evenings to relax....and escape.

Have not been able to sleep very well but expect that will shift once I can wake up with the sun shining in my face. That is my desire and should be possible in my new location.

Will update as things progress.

~ Tutte ~

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The Hour Glass

The hours of my confinement are slowly fading. I find this a most difficult period in terms of my transition. I have so many mixed feelings. Can't sleep, wake up making lists of what needs to be done and trying to envision my future life. The lists are easy but the future is a total unknown. I am so tired from this entire exercise that has lasted months.

I just want to sleep forever. But, I have accomplished much of what was necesary up until today. Still some things to pack. Getting closer to my goal. Can't belive how long this is taking me. I used to be able to pack up a 3200 sq. ft. home in a week and this small 450 sq. ft. place has taken me months. Of course it's due to my disabilities and lack of energy. I find this totally frustating. Sick to death of having this running in the background all the time but so superior to the suicidal thoughts I had in the past. That is a huge blessing. Today I am future thinking. Something I haven't been able to do for the last 10 years.

I now have 13 days before the move. All moves are stressful but with this one, I won't have the comfort of a drink and a cigarette to calm me down. Have no idea how I will manage. It will certainly create a very different experience. I try not to think too far ahead. I do look forward to having a sweet smelling home and the savings in my bank account. It's why I chose a NS apt. It will provide the impetus for me to quit a 50 year old expensive habit.

Will update in the future how I manage this move, the ups and downs but everything is in place except for what I still need to do.

I just want to sleep but expect that once I have moved in, a new level of energy will surface in order to create the Nest I have longed for, for so many years. I hope that will provide a level of energy that is currently lacking.

~ Tutte ~

Monday, June 13, 2011

Tentative Decision

This has been a long an ardous journey but tonight I made the decision to move on the 27th of this month. I think I need that deadline to put me into action in terms of the final details of what needs packing etc. It will also allow the mover and the cleaning lady not to feel pressured by the end of the month when everyone moves. However, since I can move in from the 20th I have enough leeway to make it all work out.

To change subject, my stepdaugter who has been living in Bali for the last six months phoned and we had a 2 hour chat. Totally delightful to hear her voice again after so many months. We share such a long history together. 30+ years although we didn't live in the same Province. She was in Love with her Dad and recognized I was as well so we bonded immediately. We both wanted Arch to be happy. It's been a great relationship as had been mine with his other two children.

I have been truly blessed in having so many loving and supportive people in my life. That is what sustains us ultimately.

~ Tutte ~

Friday, June 10, 2011


Great news. I found an apartment. The second one I looked at. How great is that? Now I am living on the cusp of leaving a very distateful and depressing lifestyle behind and embracing a new one. My PTSD has not been relieved however disappointing. But how I could I expect it to? It will take time for my mind to get rid of all the garbage.

My fear has now been replaced with the anxiety of all that needs to be done in the final stages of moving. I must remain patient, have had lots of practice so it shouldn't be that difficult. I can pick up the key in 10 days so when I move depends on when I finish packing. Just all the kitchen crap left. It would only take a day if I were stronger and had more stamine.

I have a difficult time sleeping since my mind is so busy with all the last details and future decorating. Sure beats living in a state of constant fear. Last Saturday was the worst day I have ever experienced. I was almost suicidal with the angst of not finding a home. The Universe (God) had once again come to my assistance and I am totally grateful.

Will write more about this process at another time.

~ Tutte ~

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Enmeshed in Time

I am almost in a panic mode as I still haven't found an apt. and only 26 days left. I have phoned every contact and only came up with one viewing. It was an old building, stank and was too small. Had a west exposure and a lovely balcony but my furniture wouldn't fit. What to do next before I totally loose it?

I am back into Insomnia due to worry which is totally unproductive based on what needs to be done. Thank God I started packing early.

I have to keep reminding myself to keep Faith. If the Universe (God) provided me with the means to move, IT will also provide me with a home. I just need to be patient and trust that all is working perfectly on my behalf. That's hard to do when the body is shaking and the stomach is full of butterflies from the stress and fear.

~ Tutte ~