Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The Hour Glass

The hours of my confinement are slowly fading. I find this a most difficult period in terms of my transition. I have so many mixed feelings. Can't sleep, wake up making lists of what needs to be done and trying to envision my future life. The lists are easy but the future is a total unknown. I am so tired from this entire exercise that has lasted months.

I just want to sleep forever. But, I have accomplished much of what was necesary up until today. Still some things to pack. Getting closer to my goal. Can't belive how long this is taking me. I used to be able to pack up a 3200 sq. ft. home in a week and this small 450 sq. ft. place has taken me months. Of course it's due to my disabilities and lack of energy. I find this totally frustating. Sick to death of having this running in the background all the time but so superior to the suicidal thoughts I had in the past. That is a huge blessing. Today I am future thinking. Something I haven't been able to do for the last 10 years.

I now have 13 days before the move. All moves are stressful but with this one, I won't have the comfort of a drink and a cigarette to calm me down. Have no idea how I will manage. It will certainly create a very different experience. I try not to think too far ahead. I do look forward to having a sweet smelling home and the savings in my bank account. It's why I chose a NS apt. It will provide the impetus for me to quit a 50 year old expensive habit.

Will update in the future how I manage this move, the ups and downs but everything is in place except for what I still need to do.

I just want to sleep but expect that once I have moved in, a new level of energy will surface in order to create the Nest I have longed for, for so many years. I hope that will provide a level of energy that is currently lacking.

~ Tutte ~