Sunday, August 19, 2012

Leap of Faith

Sometimes grace is the answer. Sometimes strength. Sometimes trust. And sometimes a LEAP OF FAITH is all that is needed. That little voice that tells you, "everything will be fine, just go for it"... listen, LEAP... so much beauty lies on the other side of fear. Source Unknown.

This has been a helpful approach for me in the past with all my struggles. Requires often, more than we think we are capable of doing. All require a great deal of courage and belief in oneself. When we do, we grow and expand. Magic happens.

~ Tutte ~

Tuesday, August 7, 2012


I went out earlier to have few puffs and returned to my spot under a portico in a nearby building. I had been there a few hours earlier and noticed a 1/3 " little white spider whose web had been destroyed by an obvious previous capture. I began watching it begin to reconstruct it's web. It was a mind expanding experience in terms of engineering and determination. I have looked at spiders and their webs all my life and found them fascinating creatures, but this experience was an awakening experience for me. Just to be able to observe the reconstruction and then an hour later when I returned to see how it had recreated it was really awe inspiring. I watched as it's little feet moved along one thread and laid down another a 1/4 of an inch beyond and continued to do that with every turn. I'm sorry I missed the point where he realized it was time to change the direction from horizontal to vertical.

Upon my return when I saw it complete and he was happily resting in the middle of his web, waiting for another food supply,  I was reminded of how similar that is to all life. We encounter setbacks, tragedies etc. and yet there is something within us that provides the impetus to rebuild and recreate. It's all a matter of survival.

~ Tutte~

Friday, August 3, 2012


I can't believe after feeling such confidence in the improvement via my legs that an unexpected event occured the other night while walking. Something happened within my left knee. The one that took the brunt of my last fall and I had surgery on. It was a very painful and anxiety provoking experience since it felt like my knee was going to buckle and I would fall. My worst nightmare. Thank God I didn't but inched my way home very carefully. I laid low the next day and walked with a cane the following when I had to go out. Yesterday, I felt a great deal of improvement and then today, something shifted again and am becoming increasingly concerned that there is something wrong with my knee replacement. As usual, I procrastinate going to a doctor. I tend to think that my body will heal itself and in most cases it does. However, if there is something wrong with the mechanics, it won't and I will have to revisit my Ortho Surgeon. 

My worst fear at the moment is that I will need to have the knee replacement replaced with a full one. There is also something wrong with my right knee but acceptable and not too painful. I am also aware that a partial replacement has a certain longevity and it's now been 12 years and with such a major fall, it may speed up the process. I just can't stand the idea of having to undergo more surgeries and a painful period of recovery. Living alone makes this very challenging on so many levels. I will give myself a week and see if there is any improvement and if not, seek help. 

Just as I was beginning to gain confidence in my mobility, I now have anxiety and don't need or want that when I am just recovering from my last devastating episode of PTSD. 

Of course the question is always, why does this keep re-occuring to me and I have no answer. Is this something I am creating? If so, for what purpose? 

~ Tutte ~