Friday, August 3, 2012


I can't believe after feeling such confidence in the improvement via my legs that an unexpected event occured the other night while walking. Something happened within my left knee. The one that took the brunt of my last fall and I had surgery on. It was a very painful and anxiety provoking experience since it felt like my knee was going to buckle and I would fall. My worst nightmare. Thank God I didn't but inched my way home very carefully. I laid low the next day and walked with a cane the following when I had to go out. Yesterday, I felt a great deal of improvement and then today, something shifted again and am becoming increasingly concerned that there is something wrong with my knee replacement. As usual, I procrastinate going to a doctor. I tend to think that my body will heal itself and in most cases it does. However, if there is something wrong with the mechanics, it won't and I will have to revisit my Ortho Surgeon. 

My worst fear at the moment is that I will need to have the knee replacement replaced with a full one. There is also something wrong with my right knee but acceptable and not too painful. I am also aware that a partial replacement has a certain longevity and it's now been 12 years and with such a major fall, it may speed up the process. I just can't stand the idea of having to undergo more surgeries and a painful period of recovery. Living alone makes this very challenging on so many levels. I will give myself a week and see if there is any improvement and if not, seek help. 

Just as I was beginning to gain confidence in my mobility, I now have anxiety and don't need or want that when I am just recovering from my last devastating episode of PTSD. 

Of course the question is always, why does this keep re-occuring to me and I have no answer. Is this something I am creating? If so, for what purpose? 

~ Tutte ~