Sunday, December 18, 2011

The Void Within

Discovered the following that I wrote in 2009 and it remains true today. Wish it wasn't so but have no idea how to change anything. With what do I replace the loss of all my loved ones? Most departed and others living far away. I have become an orphan without any family nearby for support and comfort. No one to share memories with. As we become seniors that is an enormous need.

I just have to write this down since it is the first time that it has finally reached a concrete level of awareness for me.

The only way I can describe it is to say, that I feel this huge craving/void that starts from my throat and descends to the pit of my stomach. It constantly needs to be fed but regardless of what I put into it, whether by smoking, drinking, food, chocolates, music, etc. etc. it won't go away. IT JUST WON'T GO AWAY!!!!!! I haven't found a way to feed it. It feels like a cancer......! Always looking for a source of nourishment and coming up with nothing. It began 30 years ago with the constant episodes of being in survival crisis, the death of Arch and my boys leaving home, it slowly began eroding my skin and bones until it left me disabled. Then to my mouth that has left me without the pleasure of enjoying food. The question now becomes, how much further will it grow in order to be fed? To my mind, heart and brain until they finally succumb to the terrors it imposes on me?

I suspect it could be diagnosed as Loneliness and lack of stimulation, isolation, love, touch, joy and hope. Without real empathy and understanding from anyone, and I say that respectfully since no one can walk in my shoes, I don't have an avenue to reach out.

At the moment, I have no idea how to resolve this......I believe I know what could but I don't have the means. On a moment to moment basis, I am having to suppress my emotions, desires and what little hope I have left but that is not a way to live. I don't know how much longer I can hang on to a sliver of optimism and hope that there is a light at the end of this forevever long tunnel. I am coming to the long will it take for me to find a release????????????? I wish I could end it here and now but I JUST CAN'T.

I wrote this before my move and was in utter despair. Thankfully my external environment has improved (not the financial restraints that stifle me from doing what I wish) but that doesn't change the internal one. Now that it Xmas Season the loneliness is such much more pronounced. Detest the month of December for many reasons.

~ Tutte ~