Sunday, June 17, 2012

Living in the Past makes you Homeless in the Now

If you are living in the past, you are homeless in the now. 

- Alan Cohen

This quote that just arrived in my Inbox sure resonates with me since I have little recall of the last 14 years. It's all a fog since there were no markers to create anything memorable. The only recall I have, are of my surgeries, the constant pain and the deaths of my beloved Mother, my friend Allen and my cat Myki. My memories of the first 50 years of my life are so acute in terms my sensory perceptions, ie. sights, sounds, touch and smells and what sustains me. Not much in recall of conversations. But I am a totally sensory being so no surprise. For how long can I go down that road however rich the landscape?

I am indeed homeless in the now and have no idea how to change things. A constant source of Anxiety. My existence is so far beyond my comfort zone and has been for years. I have no investment in living any longer. The pain is too overwhelming without the possibilty for some major change. I thought my recent move would help and it did briefly but it was just a small Band Aid and not enough to cover all the wounds in my heart and mind. It just made them less painful. 

I truly believe what would help the most is FAMILY. Currently that seems so illusive since both sons are distant. Grandchildren would add a totally new dimension to my life, I love babies, but don't expect that to happen either. 

I have to admit that I have countless questions as to why my life is so different from others on so many levels. No one to blame. Therefore, I don't have any anger, regrets, guilt etc. Life just happened to me in a very different way than for others in my circle of friends and associations. Nothing compared to what others suffer around the Globe.

I feel grateful that I am at peace in that aspect. Not sure what lessons I have left to learn in this classroom. No doubt if there are more, I will have to face them with the same amount of courage and stamina. Must admit that those aspects of my character are wearing thin. I always had the premonition since I was a child that I would die by the age of 70. Have no idea where that came from but that is my wish. I have lived long enough and learnt enough. 

I will leave when it happens with no regrets but a sense of accomplishment since I did the best I could. That has been my personal Mission Statement since I was 4 and had to repeat that Bible quote in Sabbath School.

~ Tutte ~