Thursday, June 21, 2012

Nature is Intwined in Heart of My Being

Always has been and will be forever. The Heartbeat of my Soul. Have felt forever totally grounded there since my earliest memories. Had my first garden at the age of 4. Spent a week on a farm at 12 where I learnt to drive a tractor, milk cows and shave off their winter haircoat. Absolutely loved all aspects. Could have been happy as a farmer my entire life.

Grew up with gardens wherever we lived as a family but once I left home and moved into a room in the city, I always returned home on the weekends so I could be outside. Mowing the lawn manually, rowing my boat and fishing on the lake at sunset. The years I was unable to do that, especially when I lived in Denmark, I worked a second job at night because I had no idea what to do with myself in a confined space. I have never found a way to live in an apartment and it plagues me immensely but will be something I MUST accept as my future. I expect this is the reality for many seniors as they age, become disabled and have to move into care homes. Has always been my greatest fear but living in my last apt. I dipped my toe into the pond of nursing homes. That's how it felt to me. I will slit my wrist or do something else before I will end up there. Have been too close to that scenario as I watched my beloved mother wither for 9 years before she died. I DO NOT WANT TO END UP IN A WAREHOUSE FOR THE DYING!

Can't recreate anyting similar without being able to walk out my door and into a garden. In the distant past I found the same experience through music which I can no longer listen to because it evokes so many memories and brings me to tears. I NEVER CRY and no idea why. I expect if I let the floodgates open, I will be swept away with the torrent and unable to stop. It's a fear of mine and always has been. I wonder when that started? I expect my Father put the plug in. Perhaps an unfair assessment but I can't think of any other except perhaps that when I did, it went unacknowledged and never validated. No doubt he was the cause of most of mine along with my bully of a sister. I had no armor to protect myself as I am a passive person and was always blindsided by their abuse.

~ Tutte ~