Saturday, April 14, 2012


After my Isolation of the last 9 years and moving into a more peaceful space, I should be very grateful for having more options. However, I am discovering that has become a huge stressor since I have no idea what to do with them. I can never recapture my passions and what made my life meaningful or purposeful. Regardless of my ideas and plans, I am always ALONE and without the means to recreate them. The recent Hospital stay reminded me of my dormant personality, the sense of humour that is inherent in my soul, and the need for company and interactions with others  I so desperately need.

My sons are not available nor do I have grandchildren and expect I never will. That is the natural progression of aging for most. We need youth and the regeneration of our blood to keep us alive and young in spirit. Fortunately I still am despite that lack of family. Have no idea how to reintegrate that experience back into my life without my sons being present.

My month's stay in the hospital was like a vacation despite the pain and the GD bed. I was re-introduced to life, youth, people of various personality types etc. I just loved it. Sounds strange but an indication of what my needs are. Being part of a community of some community. A place to connect with others. With my recurring health problems and my dislike for wearing my dental plate leaves me with still limited options. I continue to think of what could/would fill that need.

Must find one but have no idea yet where. I know I have options in terms of Senior Activity Centers but can't envision myself doing that. I don't belong to any Church. What I loved about being in the hospital was the interactions I had with young people. Having spent 10 years visiting my mother in a nursing home and with seniors, that is not what will rejuvenate my spirit. I want youth and energy and a zest for life around me. People my age, share stories around their ailments and I have had enough of those. Not in the least joyful. I want JOY back in my life.

 ~ Tutte ~