Saturday, November 12, 2011

Here is the Target

If only someone would shoot me. NOW. I need release from my pain & suffering.

I am in so much pain and have been for weeks. Tonight it has become unbearable. My upper body is on fire, every ligament in my shoulders and upper back are so tight it feels like they are ready to snap. They crackle when I move. The bottom of my shoulder blades feel like they are inundated with boils. No pain killers or my magical massage machine seems to help at the moment. I don't know how much longer I can live with this intensity of pain. Yet, have done it in the past when I had my ruptured discs and thought I would loose my mind. I eventually managed to heal myself via Ibuprofen and a heating pad but it took weeks.

Why is this happening to me???? Again? Especially now that I have found a lovely home to live in. It boggles my mind. No doubt it is due to stress and the current one is my attempt to give up smoking and the sneaking around for the odd puff. The underlying factor is my everlasting grief. That will remain with me forever regardless of my external circumstances. How does one overcome that profound sense of loneliness and longing. As Mother Teresa stated, the greatest pain is that of loneliness. I now know that to be true and witness it in the expressions on the faces of so many people I encounter on a daily basis as I live in a community largely populated by the aging, especially women who have been widowed.

This attempt to quit smoking is a far greater challenge than I had envisioned and must be affecting me to a far greater degree and at a deeper level than I expected. There is no doubt that the entire way I spend my time has been altered to the extreme. Having had my soother within a hand's reach for 50 years and now no longer there is a HUGE loss in terms of my comfort level. It's another great loss of a close and ever present friend and comforter.

I had to express my thoughts in order to help let them go and didn't want to burden my friends so have used this avenue tonight. No one can help me anyway and they would feel helpless but make some attempt to offer words of comfort. It wouldn't be fair to them.

Will update and hopefully with some good news.

~ Tutte ~