I haven't posted for such a long time because I still haven't figured out what to do with my new environment or how to live in it. My new apt. is very lovely and comfy and exactly the type of nest I had dreamed of but for whatever reason, it still doesn't feel like home. I am feeling very guilty and somewhat confused for not being overjoyed until I was reminded of an old song, "A House is not a Home", Lyrics by Burt Bacharach follows: A chair is still a chair
Even when there's no one sitting there
But a chair is not a house
And a house is not a home
When there's no one there to hold you tight,
And no one there you can kiss good night.
A room is still a room
Even when there's nothing there but gloom;
But a room is not a house,
And a house is not a home
When the two of us are far apart
And one of us has a broken heart.
Now and then I call your name
And suddenly your face appears
But it's just a crazy game
When it ends it ends in tears.
Of course my beloved didn't leave me voluntarily but that same sense of loneliness continues to follow me and I wonder if that hasn't been the the crux to my problems all these years. I so want him back, the support, the love, the intimacy, the fun and laughter and humour we shared. It isn't and I have been trying to learn to live without it but don't except I ever will. How does one overcome a broken heart? Sure wish I knew or could find a bandaid somewhere. I know that relationships are not the same and people grieve differently and so some cannot relate to the depth of mine. I was married and in a relationship that most only dream of. I must count my blessings in having been gifted with that experience but it also contributes to the depth of my grief. To paraphrase Kahlil Gibran, he stated that to the degree we experience Joy, so will we experience Sorrow. That is truly an affirmation of the relationship I shared with my beloved Arch. I know he would feel exactly the same had I been the one to depart first.
Any space in which we live will never feel like 'home' unless there is someone to share it with. It should also include our children and the memories that have been built over years of raising them. Sadly my two boys are not present nor my 4 step-children except via modern technology. Love them all and know they make an effort to stay connected despite the distance. Appreciate that more than words can convey. It just isn't the same as sitting across a dinner table sharing stories and laughter. God, How I miss that!
~ Tutte ~
