An Unfulfilled Dream

Not one I really entertained since I married a man 20 years older than myself. However he died much too early. It is now that I wish he was still around for comfort and support.

~ Tutte ~

FAITH

Apropos ~ Tutte ~

Waiting......

Waiting for some internal transformation to come along and provide me with a vehicle to a joyful destination.

~ Tutte ~

The Lonely Traveller

There are times in our lives when we find ourselves alone on Life's journey.
These are times of profound stress along with the potential for Enlightenment if one is Open and Receptive.
Some storms are more violent and take longer to endure than others.
As any sailor knows, after a major storm, a calm is always on the horizon.
I'm hanging on until I can set anchor in a safe harbour.
Courage, Strength, Perseverence and Faith have been and are the winds behind my Sails.

~ Tutte ~

The Flames of PTSD

The so-called `psychotically depressed' person who tries to kill herself doesn't do so out of quote `hopelessness' or any abstract conviction that life's assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire's flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It's not desiring the fall; it's terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling `Don't!' and `Hang on!', can understand the jump. Not really. You'd have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.

~ David Foster Wallace ~

The above expresses it better than anything I have ever read before. Thank God for that affirmation.

~ Tutte ~

The Masks I wish I could have Worn

I have discovered tragically much too late in life, all the career paths I wish I could have chosen. I developed as a person with a multitude of interests of which a few got expressed personally (why gardening and photography were a passion) but I certainly have through others.

They were:

An Opera Singer, Pianist, Ballet Dancer, and Figure Skater. I so desired to express myself physically through music. (Fortunately I get to experience them all today in my dreams.)

An Artist, Gemologist, or someone working with colors and textures.

A Horticulturist, Hybradizer or Garden Architect.

A Gourmet Chef. Almost achieved that without training but watched a lot of Cooking shows on TV and had a multitude of Cookbooks. Cooked everything from scratch always. Even today, I could probably teach a cooking class.

A Photographer. I always wanted to travel the world capturing images of all the head wear that people have created to enhance their appearance. I wanted to go back into history and record everything that ever adorned a human head. What a fascinating career that would have been involving exploring the world and research.

If I had a choice today, I really don't know which one I would have chosen. But it's a lovely thought to know that I have so many varied interests. I grew up in a time where there were few possibilities if any, for women to have career options nor did I have the means. Back then they were Secretary, Nurse or Teacher. I went to work full time at age 15 at an insurance company. The worst possible outcome for me. Did not allow for any creativity and why I think I became a Dreamer and spent a lot of my time fantazising. We do what we HAVE to do. Perhaps in another life.

~ Tutte ~

Is Tomorrow the Day?

I spent a terrible day yesterday but thankfully felt a little lighter today. However I wake up with this question every morning and it's the worst possible way to start one's day.

~ Tutte ~

Waiting Patiently to be Released

Will the Light ever Shine on Me Again?

My Beloved Myki

Gentle eyes that see so much
paws that have the quiet touch
Purrs to signal "all is well"
and show more love than words could tell

Graceful movements touched with pride
a calming presence by our side
A friendship that takes time to grow
Small wonder why we love them so

~Author unknown~

Tragically I had to put him down last year when he became unexpectedly ill. Congestive Heart Failure. I didn't know animals could suffer from that and was only sick for 5 days. He had been my sole companion for the last 8 years as I was his since I got him when he was 7 weeks old. We were together 24/7 and I miss him beyond description. He provided me with the opportunity to hear my own voice and to have something to cuddle. To have a physical connection with another physical body. He had a language that I undertood and would talk frequently. He was my total joy. I will never have another since I can't go through the grief of another loss.

I have had pets my entire life, mostly cats, my favorite, but he was very, very special. Perhaps because we NEEDED each other. As strange as it sounds, occasionally he comes to visit. His nighttime bed was in my clothes closet and sometimes I hear him jumping down from his bed in the middle of the night. There is no reason for this sound to occur and there is no explanation but it is lovely to think that his spirit might come to visit from time to time. Perhaps it does. I have many stories I could share about animal visits from the beyond. For another time perhaps.

~ Tutte ~

Fearful Minds

Fearful minds have taught you that the truth about yourself is so horrid that you couldn't handle what you'd find if you dared to look. Yet, in reality, your truth is so magnificent that if you did look upon it, you'd find validation and inspiration to be all that you have the potential to be.

Most of what you think about yourself is learned from outside opinions. You've adopted dark self-images that have been projected onto you by others who don't know or love themselves. You began to believe that you were deficient or evil, to the point that whenever attention was drawn to your inner self, you cringed in fear of being exposed. But the best thing that could ever happen to your true self would be to expose it, for it's sparkling and wonderful in every way. It's really who God created you to be.

If you fear looking at your true self, you'll find many ways to distract yourself from it. Busyness, drama, and addictions are ways of avoiding facing yourself. To find the peace you seek, stop running and just be. Get to know who you really are. Remember the wholeness you felt before you joined the rush to nowhere. Then you'll recognize yourself through the eyes of love, and everything will be different.

~ Alen Cohen ~

I just received the above quote in my Inbox and it speaks profoundly to my earlier post that referred to Ego Annihilation. This process is the gift that Isolation and Reflection has bestowed upon me.

~ Tutte ~

Fluidity

Life for most, is filled with motion in one form or another. Hopefully a nice balance between the positive and negative as we all know that Nothing ever stays the same. However my life has become completely static. Thankfully my mind hasn't.

~ Tutte ~

Allure of the Abyss

Always in the background. Usually I think of it as Hell but on another level I can view it as Heaven. It is the unfathomless escape into the unknown. Heaven would be far preferable to the life I lead today.

~ Tutte ~

Hoping that I will NEVER Forget

The tragedy of aging for so many whether through Dementia or Alzheimers is the loss of memories. I witnessed that with my beloved mother who became so old (98) that her memory had faded and she could no longer remember my Dad whom she had been married to for 40+ years. A photo would help remind her but there was still no real connection. I don't ever want to reach that stage.....what is left without our lives/relationships to comfort us and reflect upon?

~ Tutte ~

Benefits of Isolation and Introspection

Having primarily lived in Silence and Isolation for the last 10 years is an experience that most if any, unless one is a monk or Nun, have chosen as an aspect of one's spiritual growth. It wasn't my choice. However as I reflect upon it, there have been huge benefits.

First and foremost, I have really grown to know myself inside and out. I know exactly how I think, why and how I respond both physically and mentally to inner and outer influences. The experiences and relationships that have influenced me throughout my life and why. This has been very enlightening and why I haven't sought help from counsellors etc. I don't need their advice. I know ME. No doubt there are many nuances for me still to discover but they are diminishing. Having spent 10 years reflecting and going down memory lane has provided me with so many insights, not just about myself but in terms my relationships whether personal or in the larger world of employment etc. In the process, I have been able to step back and view all from a more objective/spiritual perspective. It has become so much easier to forgive. It's been a very painful process but I have come to the understanding that holding onto resentments and judgements is a reflection of the weaknesses within myself. I pay the price.

Thankfully I studied "A Course in Miracles" 17 years ago along with "The Seat of the Soul" (Gary Zukav) and some other books that have helped me enormously in terms of my self-awareness. Primarily in the areas of Intentions and the Ego. My experiences for the last 30 years have been in terms of Ego Annihilation. Where the persona of the External Self becomes so diminished that it barely exists. In retrospect, that is the greatest fear around death, especially in our youth, that we all share. However I can attest to the fact that as painful an exercise this entails, it provides for the ultimate experience of Freedom. It is when one can truly become honest with oneself and no longer worry about wearing different masks in order to make ourselves feel acceptable and less vulnerable regardless of whatever the situation. It's when the Self takes a back seat to everything and allows for the Observer/Objective Self to reach full awareness. Fortunately and without understanding, I have always had that as an aspect of my Being as long as I can remember. I believe in having that awareness, Empathy is allowed to grow and expand. It is in the ability to really listen and to put oneself in other's shoes, that one can truly understand. Why being a good listener without having an agenda is the key to True Understanding.

I must admit it isn't always easy, especially when others offend or abuse one (not physically) but by words and deeds. I do know from experience, those are the moments when one is truly faced with one's own weaknesses. We can then either choose to retaliate or step back and view what is our participation in terms of response. I do believe that if our Egos weren't wounded in one form or another (discovered in early childhood) it would be much easier to let go of judgements and blame. I haven't learnt that lesson fully yet as I have a person in my life who continues to challenge me. I recognize that I must be grateful to have this teacher in my life on a very personal level, otherwise I would never learn this lesson. It has been a lifelong and painful process. I expect the only change that can happen, occurs with my own change of heart and attitude. I have tried countless times throughout my life but obviously haven't passed the grade yet since it continues. I hope someday I will but regardless, it's been the biggest learning curve I have ever had in terms of Forgiveness.

So in conclusion, I must state that regardless of how difficult the challenges that life presents us with, there are always gifts if one is open to receive them. That also includes letting go of the Ego. Our greatest foe. The Ego, I am aware, is also what motivates people to explore, innovate, create and become Charitable. It's a two edged sword that each of us have to face, and if not forced, want to. It can be used in both negative and possitive ways. It's our choice if we are aware that we have it. Those who have the capacity to understand the gifts that are received, DO. Most don't, I expect. It is too frightful.

Most people live in a state of Fear. Fear manifests itself in so many forms of which most of us are unaware. It is what has Relationships, the World, in such discord and in a state of perpetual violence. I find this quite mind boggling since most Countries have an underlying belief in some form of Deity and Religion, all espousing the same thing. "Love Thy Neighbour as Thyself". The other words for that, are Empathy and Compassion. Even the greeting of Namaste speaks of recognizing the Spirit within another. In my limited understanding today, most of us don't truly love Ourselves so how is it possible to Love Another? How can we then recognize the Spirit that resides within all? We are separated by Family dynamics,Relationship experiences, External locations, Ethnic backgrounds, Religious Indoctrinations but we are all brother and sisters ultimately, who share the same human experience of love and attachments and a need to have a sense of security, hope and the best for our children. Will we ever recognize how similar we are? I wonder......

~ Tutte ~

Constant Cravings

I just have to write this down since it is the first time that it has finally reached a concrete level of awareness for me.

The only way I can describe it is to say, that I feel this huge craving/void that starts from my throat and descends to the pit of my stomach. It constantly needs to be fed but regardless of what I put into it, whether by smoking, drinking, food, chocolates, music, etc. etc. it won't go away. IT JUST WON'T GO AWAY!!!!!! I haven't found a way to feed it.

It feels like a cancer......! Always looking for a source of nourishment and coming up with nothing except to suck the energy out of me. It began 30 years ago with the constant episodes of being in survival crisis, the death of Arch and my boys leaving home. It slowly began eroding my joints and my skin until it left me disabled. Then now to my mouth that has left me without the pleasure of enjoying food. Can't stand this constant irritation. The question now becomes, how much further will it grow and will I ever find the means to stop it? If I don't find something, it will invade my mind and heart until they finally succumb to the terrors it imposes on me.

I suspect it could be diagnosed as profound loneliness, lack of love, touch, joy, stimulation, and hope. The result is Total Isolation. In that state I won't find any means to help. For the moment, I don't feel I have other options. I expect I do but don't know how to tap into them. I rack my mind every day but always come up against a wall.

At the moment, I have no idea how to resolve this......I believe I know what could but I don't have the means. On a moment to moment basis, I am having to suppress my emotions, desires and what little hope I have left but that is not a way to live. I don't know how much longer I can hang on to a sliver of optimism and hope that there is a light at the end of this forever ending long tunnel of doom and gloom. I am coming to the end.............how long will it take for me to find a release????????????? I wish I could end it here and now but I JUST CAN'T. It isn't in my nature to give up the fight however long and difficult. Just so wish for something unexpected that would give me a different frame of reference.

I Desperately need some relief and Peace.

~ Tutte ~

Serenity

Serenity has become very Illusive. I always discovered that state of being when involved with doing something creative. I hope someday, I will find it again. I do briefly when I am creating the quotes for my Website.

~ Tutte ~

Childhood Memories

I just stumbled upon this image tonight and it brought back so many sweet memories of the summer holidays I spent on the Island of Fano off the west coast of Denmark where my mother came from. It is only 3 miles across and 14 miles long but the entire west side is one long stretch of beach facing the North Sea. The only difference between she and I was that I carried my favorite doll and I was blond. I will include a picture to show the charm of the houses which were all thatched. There was no electricity or running water and life was very primitive in comparison to today. I feel so grateful to have experienced a foot over the threshhold between Then and Now. Life was so simple then. I am truly blessed to have these memories along with 1000's of others.

~ Tutte ~

Imprisoned by My Thoughts

They have become my worst enemy.

~ Tutte ~

HOPE

As long as I can keep my face above water, there is still Hope.

~ Tutte ~