Sunday, August 8, 2010
I just have to write this down since it is the first time that it has finally reached a concrete level of awareness for me.
The only way I can describe it is to say, that I feel this huge craving/void that starts from my throat and descends to the pit of my stomach. It constantly needs to be fed but regardless of what I put into it, whether by smoking, drinking, food, chocolates, music, etc. etc. it won't go away. IT JUST WON'T GO AWAY!!!!!! I haven't found a way to feed it.
It feels like a cancer......! Always looking for a source of nourishment and coming up with nothing except to suck the energy out of me. It began 30 years ago with the constant episodes of being in survival crisis, the death of Arch and my boys leaving home. It slowly began eroding my joints and my skin until it left me disabled. Then now to my mouth that has left me without the pleasure of enjoying food. Can't stand this constant irritation. The question now becomes, how much further will it grow and will I ever find the means to stop it? If I don't find something, it will invade my mind and heart until they finally succumb to the terrors it imposes on me.
I suspect it could be diagnosed as profound loneliness, lack of love, touch, joy, stimulation, and hope. The result is Total Isolation. In that state I won't find any means to help. For the moment, I don't feel I have other options. I expect I do but don't know how to tap into them. I rack my mind every day but always come up against a wall.
At the moment, I have no idea how to resolve this......I believe I know what could but I don't have the means. On a moment to moment basis, I am having to suppress my emotions, desires and what little hope I have left but that is not a way to live. I don't know how much longer I can hang on to a sliver of optimism and hope that there is a light at the end of this forever ending long tunnel of doom and gloom. I am coming to the end.............how long will it take for me to find a release????????????? I wish I could end it here and now but I JUST CAN'T. It isn't in my nature to give up the fight however long and difficult. Just so wish for something unexpected that would give me a different frame of reference.
I Desperately need some relief and Peace.
~ Tutte ~