My Valentine, Always and Forever

This is the picture of my beloved that is my screensaver and desktop image so the first and last thing I see when I open and close my PC.

He told me early on how much he loved me. Long before I grew to love him. I did because he tought me to trust a man. Every day he said he loved me and then after we where married, he would say, "I Love Loving You". I believed him as he proved it every day. At the time I didn't really understand what he meant. I loved him but knew he loved me more. We had many challenges and obstacles to overcome that would probably have been reasons enough for other's to divorce but our love for each other overcame all of that and remained so till the very end.

Today I understand what Arch meant by his Statement. Today I realize how much I have loved "Loving Him". And Still do! He was such a funny, sweet, kind, generous and loving soul. How blessed I have been. He is the greatest gift God could ever have provided me with. I will never stop loving him.

~ Tutte ~

Valentines Day

It is only a day away and I have no interest or investment in it whatsoever. I expect I am not alone. Unless you have a loving partner, it means nothing. It did for me and my beloved Arch for years and we always celebrated it. Sweet memories.

It's a very lonely day for so many singles or unhappy people in relationships. I think I would prefer to be single with my happy memories versus being stuck in an unfulfilling relationship. So many are. Sadly!!!

~ Tutte ~

Change of Thinking

For so long I have had the belief that smoking is the only form of comfort I have left and what a huge sacrifice to give it up after 58 years. Can't even enjoy food any longer.

With my new found hope for a brighter future and knowing I will have to move into a NS space, my attitude is changing, however slowly. I have cut down by half and will continue to pursue by whatever means so I can finally kick this habit. It will provide me with a huge sense of freedom and accomplishment when I finally do. Not to forget savings. I have tried willpower but that isn't enough. Any habit has to be replaced by something more enjoyable.

I expect I will discover what that is shortly as long as I can retain my sense of Hope for the future. I need that as my incenstive.

~ Tutte ~

Friendship

Peace is the Commander

The Egyptians who were victorious today, achieved that by peaceful means. Let that be a guide to all of us when we are in conflict.

~ Tutte ~

The Future

I continue to focus on the future and a new life for me but I am still in the dark. I won't know if it will be possible until I hear from the government. I won't give up my focus/intention and remain ever hopeful.

~ Tutte ~

Spooning

A very familiar way to go to sleep. God how I miss that.

~ Tutte ~

Old Address Book

As we age, sadly we have to cross off names in our address book. The longer we live the more names we cross off. I have done my share already. It's no wonder the aged become so lonely and depressed. My mother was 98 when she died. I have no desire whatsoever to live that long.

~ Tutte ~

The Mask of Childhood

How sad that we all quickly learn the need to wear one in order to get along in the world. The innocense we once took for granted is removed by the expectations of other and the relationships we encounter once we begin to socialize as children. We wear them for self-protection so we will be accepted. Sadly, we wear them our entire lives.

It takes old age I think before we realize that we can put those experiences behind us, that we are free to express ourselves and that any investment in the approval of others has been greatly if not totally diminished. I know that is the blessing of aging for me. So sad it takes a lifetime to learn how to be genuinly ourselves.

~ Tutte ~

Looking towards the Future

I have been following the revolution in Egypt for the last two weeks and am so impressed by the youth of this country. They have chosen to express their disdain and rejection for the only government they have lived under since their birth. Based on disparity, poverty and brutality under a dictatorship. The youth of Egypt today comprise over 50% of the population and many are well educated without jobs.

I am totally impressed by their peaceful approach and their use of the Social Media to spread their message. I am completely in their corner and I expect it will eventually cause the downfall of the current government. Possibly this will become the roadmap for a global movement amongst the youth in other suppressed countries especially in the Middle East. The world is changing and it's about time to get rid of the old dictatorships who use fear to suppress the masses in order to line their own pockets.

The Internet is proving what a powerful vehicle this is globally. There is no turning back.

~ Tutte ~

Dreamtime

My beloved Arch came to me in a dream this morning. He often does but this time was different. He was so Real. I woke up in a strange mood, missing him profoudly but glad I had spent time with him. He has stayed with me all day so I was very sad as I wanted his physical presence with me, to feel his touch and hear his voice and laughter.

~ Tutte ~

Freshness

Today was a cold and windy day and my best girlfriend picked me up and we went down to the beach for a cup of coffee and then a brief walk. It was a most delightful and rare day for me. No doubt because of my lack of depression/anxiety and we were able to talk with any hint of sadness or tears. A delightful change for both of us. Even indulged in some much needed laughter.

I hope this will be repeated many times. There was something very refreshing about the cold air that seemed to affect me positively as well.

~ Tutte ~

At Rest at Last

It's been some time since I posted. I was recuperating from my devastating fall. Still bruises and scabs but the horrifying memory is fading as will the physical symptoms.

The good news is that my MD put me on a new medication 2 weeks ago that affects the Serotonin levels in the brain and it has had profound effects. I have been able to sleep between 8 - 10 hours every night. Doesn't matter what the hours are. I usually go to bed around 4 AM which is my natural Circadian Rhythm. What a blessing this has been. I am finally beginning to feel normal again. We have no idea how sleep deprivation affects not just the body but the mind as well. I have had much less Anxiety and Depression. It's no wonder since I have been living with sleep deprivation for 13 years after I took a graveyard shift at a hospital for 3 years. The pain and surgeries after that. Was never able to get back into a normal rhythm.

I pray it will continue. I want to become the Tutte I once was. Full of energy, a zest for life and laughter.

~ Tutte ~

Falling

I don't even know how to begin describing what was the most terrifying, physically challenging and helpless 3 hours I have ever spent.

I fell as I was getting up from the toilet on my way to bed. What happened, I have no idea. Perhaps I missed the support bar on the wall or my right leg gave out. I have noticed it has become weaker lately and assume that is due to the nerve damage and my spinal stenosis.

Regardless, I fell on my left side, cut my elbow and quickly discovered I couldn't move or get up. I almost panicked and felt totally helpless. The main problem was that since my left shoulder has been frozen for the last 10 years, I have absolutely no strength in that arm. There was nothing I could use for leverage with my right arm. I spent about 15 minutes lying there trying to figure out what to do. I knew I had to find a way otherwise I could have been lying there for days or weeks. I should probably keep my answering machine hooked up.

I began rocking my hips end back and forth so I could eventually face the doorway. Don't know how long that took me. From that point on, I was able to inch myself forward slowly. Probably took me over an hour to reach my bedroom rug which I thought would provide more traction. I realized that I would never be able to reach my phone so calling 911 was useless. I need leverage in order to get up with my artificial knees. I can't kneel on them anyway.

So slowly I continued at my snails pace and eventually reached the side of my bed. The challenge then became how to get up and roll into it. I mustered all the strength I had left and managed to shift my position so I could use my bed and the night table for leverage with my right arm and then finally rolled into bed totally exhausted. This entire exercise took over 3 hours.

Falling is always what I have feared the most but I discovered how little strength I have left. It scares me. And how helpless I am when it happens.

This incident confirmed how tenacious, determined and how much pain I can endure. But don't want to repeat that lesson.

I slept well and woke up with some pain and bruises and rug burns on my elbow which I expect will continue to surface over the days.

Perhaps it is time to think about getting Lifeline. Seems quite necessary when one lives alone and with health problems. I will look into it.

Anyway, I am okay tonight Thank God. An angel must have been watching over me.

~ Tutte ~

The Best Thing About Dreams

The best thing about dreams is that fleeting moment, when you are between asleep and awake,
when you don't know the difference between reality and fantasy,
when for just that one moment you feel with your entire soul that the dream is reality, and it really happened.

~ Unknown Author ~

First Date

On our first date, my husband had a yellow rose bud in hand as he greeted me. Coincidentally, I wore a navy dress with tiny yellow rosebuds.

They became our symbol of love and needless to say were incorporated in my wedding bouquet and all the decorations.

On our first wedding anniversary I sent a bouquet to his office with the same flowes included in our wedding. Shortly after I received the same and assumed the Florist had made a mistake. I phoned and was told it had been delivered to the correct address, Needless to say, my husband had had the same thought. How synchronistic was that?

In my last letter to Arch the week he died, I included a yellow rosebud. The circle was complete. I will always treasure this flower for the Love it represents to me.

~ Tutte ~

Today's Tragedy

Once again my heart bleeds. Today, on behalf of all the victims of the Tragedy in Tuscon, Arizona. 20 innocent people were gunned down, 6 dead. For what? Some deranged young person who bought into the vitriolic diatribe continously perpetrated on the Inernet, Radio and TV spewing fear and hatred for the sake of ratings and profits.

I become exponentially pissed off with the world we live in. Is there, will there ever be a solution? I doubt it. I'm so happy I'm as old as I am and remember a peaceful time when there was no fear, could leave home without locking a door and the focus was on our helping our neighbours.

A time prior to the advance of High Technology/Gadgets and where there was no fear of being observed or where our privacy was invaded. A time in which autonomy was a given.

Had a long precious chat with my son Ryan in Japan and this topic came up for discussion. His response to my concern about 'Big Brother' (High Tech) was the we are all still free to use it or not. One must become aware that whatever is posted on the NET, phones etc. is available to the Globe. If one wants to retain some form of anonimity it is based on our choices. As are most things in life, except what the forces of Nature brings our way. Everything in life seems to always come back out our choices and accountabilty.

Of course there are many exceptions, particularly in terms of birthplace, family, backgrounde etc. that makes life far more challenging for some than others. I don't have an answer to all the questions that percolate in my mind but life seems so unfair for so many. WHY? will always be my question.

This High Tech revolution is happening so exponentially that no one has enough time to really study the overall effects on Society as a in the long term. Who will set in place the moral parameters and guidelines to provide some foundation? More questions?

~ Tutte ~

The Blessing of Friends

But oh! the blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject;
with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely

Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person -
having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out,
just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them,
keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.

~ Dinah Craik ~

Someday

Some Day I Won't Remember
How you smell or how you look
Some Day I Won't Remember
All the pieces of me you took
Some Day I Won't Remember
What it was like to kiss you in the rain
Some Day I Won't Remember
All the tears and all the pain

Some Day I Won't Remember
The feel of your skin
Some Day I Won't Remember
All our secrets and our sins
Some Day I Won't Remember
Staying up late at night to cry
Some Day I Won't Remember
That vivid blue-green color of your eyes
Some Day I Won't Remember
The passion that we used to share
Some Day I Won't Remember
What it felt like to have you there
Some Day I Won't Remember
The precious sound of your beating heart
And when that some day comes
I will entirely fall apart

~ Tatianna Rei Moonshadow ~

Can't Sleep

It's been erratic all month but since prior to Xmas it's become unbearable. I think I've had a maximum of 10 hours in the last 3 days. An hour or two here and there. Can barely function but my mind is in overdrive. I took a sleeping pill at noon today, it usually works in 10 minutes but not this time. I went to the bank instead and paid some bills.

My body becomes so compromised on many levels (tongue, toothache, the nerves in my legs (Spinal Stenosis), loss of appetite, Gallbladder and stomach so upset that I have lived on Ibuprofen, Tums and Alkazeltzers all week. It finally settled down somewhat tonight and I managed to have a bite to eat. It's the worst way to loose weight. Not that I need to anymore since I have lost over 100 in the last year due to my mouth problems. I mustered up some energy yesterday morning to make my favorite homemade spaghetti sauce and then couln't eat it. Thank God for my much too small freezer. It won't go to waste.

To end this on a more positive note, I finally received the form from the Gov't to pursue the retroactive refunds in Disability Credits. It is what I need in order to maintain hope to pay for any move in the future. But I know from past experiences, it can take up to 6 months for any response, so my gift of patience will come in handy.

On an even more positive tone, I received the most heartfelt letter and validation from a subscriber to my website www.portalstopeace.com. I receive quite a few but none like this one. She is living with tongue cancer and we have made a deep connection. The words she used and the way she was able to express herself is truly inspiring. There are so many loving and compassionate people out there that I would never have met had it not been for the Internet. So many things that I don't like about it but this NOT one of them. I have made so many wonderful friends from around the globe over the years that I remain in contact with.

~ Tutte ~