Deformities

As little girls, maybe boys as well, we look into a mirror to see our perceived flaws. I expect most of us continue to do that our entire lives. How this little girl managed to overcome hers and still see the beauty within is a lesson we should all learn from.

We are all scarred whether externally or internally. The Internal are far more difficult to deal with because we can hide them behind the various masks we choose to wear to fool others and ourselves. Peace will never be found if we continue to deny the pain and truth. We must face it, however difficult. Why are we all so fearful of recognizing the perfection within ourselves versus reacting and responding to everything outside to prove it isn't so?

~ Tutte ~

My Mouth and Tongue

Have no idea what is going on these last 2 weeks. I am Severely plagued by my tongue and mouth problems. I am ready to cut out my tongue if that would provide relief. It feels like a cotton swab with astringent is constantly being applied and I feel a burning and dryness. It seems to get worse after I eat. I attempt to appease it with gum, ice cream, candies, anything to get my saliva flowing. The benefits are short lived. 30 minutes maximum. At the same time I get unbelievable cravings and butterflies in my stomach. I don't know how to relieve those. I so detest this level of suffering. It was much easier to deal with the pain and immobility of arthritis. This is unrelenting and a pill won't help. Only peace of mind will and I have no idea how to attain that since I constantly live with a heightened sense of stress and fear.

~ Tutte ~

Tossed About

I have been living in a bottle of confinememt by this small space that allows for no freedom of movement or activity, tossed about by PTSD, surgery and physical discomforts. I have to find a way to release the cork in order to escape. Have a small idea how I can make it happen and everything begins with a thought and intention.

~ Tutte ~

Shedding

It wasn't until I was in my early 30's and after the birth of my first son that I began shedding the indoctrinations of the Bible that I had been raised with and all the garments of fear that had clothed my thinking.

It was The most profound decision of my life and it took me years of reading and studying until I discovered and adopted another foundation for my belief system. It's still in transition but I am in a very peaceful place as a result. Today I acknowledge that I know NOTHING in the big scheme of things. I rely fully on my own experiences to tell what is right or wrong. It always does. I still have Faith as strange as it may sound but not in anything in a religious sense. I just believe in a Perfect Plan unfolding. As humans we can never enter the Mind of God and must accept that. It's in the attempts and via interpretations that violance is perpetrated around the globe reglardless of the name of the Holy Book. It sickens me to the core of my being.

It has become a very simplistic philosophy for me today. "Provide for your fellow man what he needs on any level as you would wish someone to meet yours."

~ Tutte ~

Hope

Hope is all we have in order to move beyond our experience and make a change. Without it, we Exist versus Living.

~ Tutte ~

Denture

I have mentioned this ongoing problem before but having an Upper Plate is driving me NUTS. It's having no the ability to enjoy food any longer. The crunch, the texture and the freshness. For a gourmet cook who spent a great deal of time studying, tasting and creating this is totally devastating.

My tongue issues are far greather than the denture but I can't fully explain it. Yet!

It becomes overly agitated when I eat anything. I spend hours afterwards waiting for the discomfort to dissipate. It seems my tongue reacts negativily to everything that crosses it's surface. God, what Stress produces in the body and it's reaction is mind blowing to me.

~ Tutte ~

Breaking Free

This is my focus today as I continue to visualize a new life. How it will materialize, I have no idea but I am so grateful that the impetus is now present. It has been absent for the last 10 years. Something is shifting and it brings me a newfound sense of Hope.

~ Tutte ~

The Dove of Peace

Althought I have suffered greatly not only by circumstances but more so by disappointments via people, rather than holding on to resentment and bitterness, it is my constant intent to continue to send a Dove of Forgiveness their way. Not for them primarily, but because it releases me from the prison of my own hatred. The Dove returns over and over again as I continue to practice this approach. I am so grateful and why I now understand those who can forgive the murderers of their loved ones. They are few and far between but teach a valuable lesson. We Forgive others in order to Forgive ourselves.

~ Tutte ~

Once Upon a Time

All Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon a Time and as little girls, we want to become the Princess or the Swan that always floats on the surface of a calm lake.

However, that isn't reality and sooner or later, we will discover that even the calm water on a lake can become turbulent depending on the winds of change. Some will take flight with the first gust, others like myself will attempt to ride out the storm. Some will eventually succumb as their wings loose strength. My hope is that I can retain whatever strength I have left. Should the winds never subside, and my strength finally becomes depleted, I too will give up the struggle.

~ Tutte ~

Serenity and Peace

I love this image since it depicts a state of Serenity to me. That along with the Jewels around her neck.

My personal interpretation is that the Jewels represent the aspects of Gratitude, Acceptance, Detachment, Surrendering, Empathy and Compassion that have led to this state of Internal Peace. A State I hope to achieve some day.

~ Tutte ~

Counterpart

Regardless of age, I think we all need the opposite energy to create a balance in our lives. I have always gravitated towards the male species because their conversation is far broader and diverse along with an aspect of humour ever present. Much less judgemental and gossipy than most women seem motivated by. Can't stand that aspect of women. Perhaps it has changed over the years as women have come into their own but I have not been privy to that experience except via TV and have very mixed feelings. Mostly unfavourable.

When my family was intact, I was the only female and that was the niche I was most comfortable with. I loved being the observer of all their interactions. They provided me with many hours of gut wrenching laughter. I miss that tremendously. My home was always filled with laughter. My youngest son was like living with a copy of Jim Carrey. He cracked me up.

I will forever regret not having a daughter because it would have been much easier to develop a bond and share my female experiences with. It's a deeper bond although I know for some it also includes great conflict.

It wasn't meant to be despite the fact that I am the only female in my family to have only sons. When I was pregnant, I knitted and crocheted countless outfits for a daughter because that was my expectation. Imagine my surprise when it didn't happen. Twice!

It's been years since I have had the experience of male energy and I miss it greatly.

~ Tutte ~

Feeling Smothered

By the constant exercise of suppressing my desires.

~ Tutte ~

Widow

Statistically, more and more women of my age will become Widows. For some of us, it happened much too early. The experience of that new state of being will be varied and different depending on age, relationship, financial circumstances etc. but regardless what we ultimate have in common, is that we are now ALONE. What was familiar and the person we relied upon for support in whatever manner, is no longer there. It's a huge adjustment. For some easier than for others depending on the circumstance but we should all reach out to each other. I guess that is what is termed "The Lonely Hearts Club".

~ Tutte ~

Autumn is Approaching

As Spring and Summer have come to an end once again, I am being released from the bonds of my instincts to garden and the need to suppress them after 5 months.

What a blessing!!! Now I will be relieved from so much Anxiety. I used to resent the fall and winter months and now they have become a saviour on some level. Who would ever have guessed? Not me. I spent 60 years being outside and loving every moment. Never expecting that I would be denied what is so natural and part of the Who of Whom I Am.

~ Tutte ~

Filling the Cracks

When the Japanese mend broken objects, they fill the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful.

~ Barbara Bloom ~

I certainly believe I have become more beautiful on the inside even as the physical body has become so eroded over the years whether by stress, pain, depression and just plain old age. I love who I have become internally/spiritually.

~ Tutte ~

Don't Push

Too many rejections so I learnt the hard way. I was just reaching out in my grief and naiveté via Emails. I have never phoned, whined or complained, to anyone ever. I was shocked by the response. But at least some people were honest and told me they couldn't handle it. Proves that old saying of you find out who your friends are when times get tough. I have discovered mine. It was a huge disappointment needless to say. I must however add, that a few who have been unable to be present emotionally have reached out financially over the years and their gifts have been very much needed and appreciated.

The reason I have shut off my phone and isolated myself. I won't allow myself to share my feelings any more for fear of more rejection. Writing that was a lightbulb moment since I handn't thought of it on those terms before. But of course it is what I have done with my Nemesis.

~ Tutte ~

Visualization

In 1988, my husband had just started a new Public Company that held so much potential and we rented this home. 3200 sq. feet, 5 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms on a beautiful acreage on a quiet street. Sadly, the following year, it was discovered that his business partner had embezzled all the money and we were forced into bankruptcy. The partner went to prison and Arch defended himself in a court case and won. The End of Arch's life long dreams. He died 5 years later and told me he knew that was when his Stomach Cancer began. He couldn't stomach anymore. He was too old to start again.

What this has to do with visualization is the fact that 3 years later the owners sold the house and we had to move. I began packing and sorting through old 'stuff'. I discovered a folder that I had begun when I was a newlywed filled with pictures I had cut out of my desires in terms of a home and it's content. I was shocked to discover that the house I was leaving contained all those desires I had expressed 25 years earlier. What was more shocking to me was to discover that even though my dreams had been fulfilled, they didn't materialize in the way I had envisioned. Due to the financial distress we were under, that home became a huge burden and eventually felt like a prison to me. I felt guilty living there as we couldn't afford it at the end. There are many stories to share around this period but not tonight. What happened was the beginning of my PTSD.

I have used visualization my entire life to fulfill my dreams. Some occurred within the appropriate time frame and other's took much longer. We aren't really in control even if we think they are. However, mine have usually come to pass and often without realizing their gift until much later after things didn't always turn out according to My plan in terms of outcome.

I have begun visualizing Moving now. Haven't been able to before. I don't know how that will be manifest down the road but the thought is the seed for change and I desperately know I MUST have a change. If not, this little space (the size of the kitchen I once had) will become my Tomb.

~ Tutte ~

Floating on the Ocean of Time Wondering

When?

Waiting for a some release from this current nightmare.

~ Tutte ~

WE LIVE

We live in Deeds, not Years;
in Thoughts not Breaths;
in Feelings, not in figures on a dial.
We should count time by Heart Throbs.
He most Lives who thinks Most, Feels the Noblest, Acts the Best.

~ Aristotle ~

I believe this has been my Mission Statement.
I have tried to live up to those ideals.
~ Tutte ~