Friday, September 3, 2010
In 1988, my husband had just started a new Public Company that held so much potential and we rented this home. 3200 sq. feet, 5 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms on a beautiful acreage on a quiet street. Sadly, the following year, it was discovered that his business partner had embezzled all the money and we were forced into bankruptcy. The partner went to prison and Arch defended himself in a court case and won. The End of Arch's life long dreams. He died 5 years later and told me he knew that was when his Stomach Cancer began. He couldn't stomach anymore. He was too old to start again.
What this has to do with visualization is the fact that 3 years later the owners sold the house and we had to move. I began packing and sorting through old 'stuff'. I discovered a folder that I had begun when I was a newlywed filled with pictures I had cut out of my desires in terms of a home and it's content. I was shocked to discover that the house I was leaving contained all those desires I had expressed 25 years earlier. What was more shocking to me was to discover that even though my dreams had been fulfilled, they didn't materialize in the way I had envisioned. Due to the financial distress we were under, that home became a huge burden and eventually felt like a prison to me. I felt guilty living there as we couldn't afford it at the end. There are many stories to share around this period but not tonight. What happened was the beginning of my PTSD.
I have used visualization my entire life to fulfill my dreams. Some occurred within the appropriate time frame and other's took much longer. We aren't really in control even if we think they are. However, mine have usually come to pass and often without realizing their gift until much later after things didn't always turn out according to My plan in terms of outcome.
I have begun visualizing Moving now. Haven't been able to before. I don't know how that will be manifest down the road but the thought is the seed for change and I desperately know I MUST have a change. If not, this little space (the size of the kitchen I once had) will become my Tomb.
~ Tutte ~