Monday, March 21, 2011

Feeling Very Alone

Regardless of what lies ahead in terms of a more promising future that I have dreamed about for so long, I still feel so very alone. I want someone to share it with. Especially all the work and planning involved which I can't do by myself. The unknowingness of this move had brought about major PTSD reactions and it must have triggered all the unknown and unexpected situations in the past around moving.

I wake up with major anxiety every morning which almost imobilizes me along with a burning mouth and toothache. I must overcome this if I am going to pack etc. Just not sure at the moment if I should go ahead and look for a new apt. so I can visualize the future to motivate me or continue to procrastinate in order to give myself time to pack at a comfortable pace. My strength is so diminished that I lack so much confidence in terms of what I am able to do on any given day let alone hour.

I feel very confused as to how to approach all this. I have never packed in the past without knowing where I was moving. Perhaps that is the current problem. I can't deal with stress but is what is occuring in my mind is probably more debilitating than having a specific goal and purpose. Will have to give myself a few days to mull this over. If I plan and hope to move by May 1st, I have to get my act together quickly. I am a procrastinator by personality and function at my peak levels when under pressure so perhaps that is the key to my current problem. If I could just let go of my lack of confidence and fear.

~ Tutte ~