Can't Wait

To be relieved and discard the mask of pain I have been wearing for the most of my life. Today, I look for physical relief. 15 years of Chronic Pain from one source or another is wearing me down.

Even pain brings blessings and I have to continue to remind myself of how many and by whom have occurred to me over the years.

I went for another visit with my Chiro today and he has begun a series of exercises for me to do at home. It has become evident to me that whatever is currently going on my body and causing so much discomfort will take time to heal. 3 visits a week.

I was becoming concerned as to how I would manage to pay for all these visits on my meager income regardless of being subsidized by MSP to the limit of 10 per year.

To make a very long story short,the Universe (God) has once again blessed me by directing me to people who have a very kind and giving heart. He is gifting me with free treatments. How blessed am I? My GP provides me with my BP meds via samples so I haven't had to pay for several years.

I have never asked for assistance but these wonderful people who are in tune to the needs of others and a heart that is capable of reaching out, do so. The spirit of giving is the same as the one from the Manager of my local grocery store who every time he sees me, gives me a free bouquet of flowers. I often ask myself how many people receive these gifts or is it something unusual about me? That is not an ego statement but a question. Not because I think I am special etc. but perhaps because I am totally honest and vulnerable. People respond to someone they can empathize with. Could write a chapter on that topic and perhaps someday I will. It has been my greatest lesson. The key is letting go of the ego and being True to whom we are and discarding all the masks we have had to wear over a lifetime.

I didn't give mine up voluntarily, they were stripped off by life's circumstances. As difficult as that process has been, the end result is a great sense of freedom. The greatest gift.

~ Tutte ~

My beloved Arch

It's Saturday and along come Longings

Being widowed and getting older, doesn't change my desires. In my mind, I am still 29,39,49 and full of life, excitement and romance. With the absense of my beloved, I live with constant Longing for Him and the past. That is all part of grieving. Expect those who have been happily married share those but undoubtedly for those who haven't been as blessed as I am, have a yearning to have had a similar experience. Living is painful for everyone on one level or another.

~ Tutte ~

Multi Tasking in the Past

I have lived long enough to remember those days. Things have improved or have they?

~ Tutte ~

Music

I must despite the pain, find a way to enjoy music as I did in the past. A major passion of mine that I haven't been able to for far too long. Brings up too many painful memories and always leaves me in tears.

~ Tutte ~

A Favorite Photo

Open to any interpretation. So Simplistic and Serene IMO.

~ Tutte ~

Need for Immediate Comfort

Have been seeing the Chiropractor 3 times a week for the last two and in the process of many adjustments to my spine, I find myself in constant pain with the odd day in between that is relatively comfortable. I was forwarned that this process would be a tug of war. Sure is! Tonight I am in pain and wish I had my beloved to rub my back and shoulders and kiss all my booboos. Or had an in-house Chiro to push and pull to remove all the knots in my muscles.

~ Tutte ~

The Book of Life

The pages turn more and more quickly as we age. In youth, we assume that life will last forever but as we age we come to recognize how quickly the pages of the years turn over. At my age age, it no longer seems like years, rather more like months, then minutes and I expect if I live long enough, it will become seconds. If only in our youth we recognized how fleeting the years of our lives are.

We would appreciate the relationships with our families, friends and all the subtle aspects of our involvement as part of the human community. We wouldn't take so much for granted and live more in the moment. We would live with a far greater awareness of gratitude. There is an old saying that youth is wasted on the young. Wisdom comes with age, sadly.

~ Tutte ~

Another Xmas Season Approaching Living with Absence

The Presence of Your Absence Is Everywhere

The park bench placard spoke of loss
And the way the Beloved is almost more there
Than before though touch seems impossible
And embrace longed for. Oh the power of absence

To forge remembrance - single moments
So cellularly embedded to make time eternal:
A brush of hand to cheek, the fragrance of perfume,
The way smoke of a pipe curled up or how we once

Wrote messages in frost on the window panes
With another. This Tabernacle of Memory
That year by year rises in us - this great heart space
Where nothing is lost - how it opens -

How we are there again like yesterday,
Filled with love for tomorrow,
Embracing the moment at hand --
The Presence of Absence everywhere.

Marilee L. Pallant/Sage

Courage Is

True Love

Spooning

The weekend is coming so I am always reminded of the loss of my beloved. Spooning in our 20 years together, occurred every night. God, how I miss that physical contact that has nothing to do with sex. Just the imtimacy of a very close connection to a beloved and can only be experienced with a lover or a spouse.

Remember Me

You've no idea how hard I've looked for a gift to bring You.
Nothing seemed right.
What's the point of bringing gold to the Gold Mine, or water to the Ocean.
Everything I came up with was like taking spices to the Orient.
It's not good giving my heart and soul because you already have these.
So - I've brought you a mirror.
Look at yourself and remember me.

Rumi

What Music?

I finally bit the bullet and went to see the Chiropractor. A lovely and empathic man. He spent 45 minutes taking down my history. Then 15 making some adjustments. God they hurt and confirmed my problems. My next apt. is on Saturday and then I expect many follow-ups. He shared his concern for me that what is happening in my right shoulder is Rheumatoid Arthritis. That is what my left shoulder has been diagnosed with and why such limited movement and chronic pain.

The thought of this scares the shit out of me. Not so much the pain involved but the lack of strength and mobility. I am trying not to project the worst outcome, while remaining realistic, and hope that the treatments I receive in the future will slow that process down. My body for the last 15 years has been riddled with Arhtritis with subsequent surgeries. No doubt due to the fact that my Immune System has been overly compromised due to all the stress I have endured for almost 30 years. A Constant overload of Adrenalin. The Immune System in overdrive, ends up attacking the host, my body. It boggles my mind, how much chronic pain I can continue to endure. Living with that colors every thought and life experience. However, on a positive note, it proves to me how much endurance resides within each of us when put to the test. That is a Global experience and those in the Western World living off the sweat and hard labour of 99% of the population have no ability to comprehend.

Now I could really spout off my opinion but once again will stop myself from getting on my soapbox.

Will update, hopefully with less painful news. Tonight I am on FIRE. Expected after having the vertebrae manipulated.

~ Tutte ~

Sorrow by my friend Gun Legler

It just occurred to me tonight that I am going through another major period of sorrow in my attempt to quite smoking. A cigarette in my hand has been a constant companion for 55 years. I recognize today it's just not a matter of giving up an addiction but an entire lifestyle that is so ingrained in the psyche. For the first time in 4 1/2 months, I subconsciously reached to my left to pick up the cigarette that would normally be resting in my husband's ashtray with his name engraved, ARCH, a gift to him from an employer. It took me totally by surprise and I immediately became aware of how ingrained this habit is regardless of how well I have been doing in my attempts. I have to admit perhaps repeating myself, that I don't want to quit but MUST out of necessity. That is a very different dynamic versus most others we have to deal with which are unexpected. I still don't want to and until I have a desire, the demon will remain a constant obstacle for me to deal with. I Hate This. Have Lost Everything and this was my last daily companion.

~ Tutte ~

A Fine Line

Life for all of us is about walking the Fine Line and finding the right Balance.

~ Tutte ~

Sometimes

Reality

As someone who has spent the last 8 years playing computer games because of my disabilities etc. I can promise that the above statement is true. Even the best of games get stale and not worth replaying. In life, we don't have the ability to shut off the computer of our mind when we are sick and tired of the same gameplay.

~ Tutte ~

Thoughts

I wish I could find some avenue of interest to interrupt the whirlwind of my negative thinking. What? I know what did in the past but am not able to recreate those interests anymore due to lack of the right circumstances. How does one re-invent oneself at 67? Don't have a clue.

~ Tutte ~

The Difference

A kind word, a phone call or an Email from a friend of family member can make a huge difference. They provide a little balm on the embers of my life.

~ Tutte ~