Thursday, May 24, 2012


A quote just arrived in my Inbox that speaks volumes to me. It is:

Why struggle to convince someone of something they're not ready to hear?  
- Alan Cohen

I became aware of how often my Internal Dialogue involves having conversations around explaining what is happening to me to my friends. Since the onset of PTSD 12 years ago and coming to the realization that no one really understands, I have isolated myself from having to explain to deaf ears. No fault of theirs since my experiences are so converse to theirs. There is no way they can possible relate. I don't want to burden them with my issues and making them feel they need to offer advice, help etc. They can't except when somethings happens on an external level that I absolutely do need help to deal with as around my lastest hospital stay.

This isolation makes me feel guilty on some level and at the same I want to protect them for having to experience a sense of helplessness. It's become a conundrum for me especially since I returned home from the Hospital. My two good friends were constantly there for me in terms of all types of help. I hope I sincerely expressed my gratitude but haven't been able to connect since my current episode of PTSD. When I am suffering so profoundly, I go into isolation and hide. I don't want to have any conversations around what is happening or my feelings nor do I want to hear any helpful advice. I just can't deal with it. I have to work this out on my own for however long it takes.  I do this by changing my internal dialogue and it takes a lot of energy, time and effort. Wish it wasn't so or that there was some magic pill.

I am currently going through a major period of Anxiety and Insomnia. Can't fall asleep regardless of how early I go to bed. When I do finally fall asleep around noon, once I get into a deep sleep, I can't wake up so end up sleeping until very late afternoon/early evening. This makes my life totally dysfunctional. Have no idea at the moment of how to change this and that adds another level of stress.

I have had to adjust to the fact that sleep whenever it occurs is profoundly important both on a mental and physical level.

Hope I will be forgiven and understood by my friends when I can once again resurface and greet the world from a peaceful place. Few understand how devastating this disease is. Will it ever go away? I doubt it since all it takes to resurface is a minor trigger. Unbelievalbe how little it takes. The bottom line is a Fear, Loss of Control, Insecurity and a multitude of things I can't pinpoint at the moment.

~ Tutte ~