Friday, November 12, 2010


As much as I try to distance myself from my state of being, the reality is that I, for the first time in my life, feel like an Orphan. I have not only lost my Parents but everyone else in my family whether my Death, Distance or Discord. It is a constant state of sorrow that I don't know how to overcome. I once had a life and a family of loving connections and today, I don't. My only connection is with my son Ryan who lives in Japan and my step-children in Calgary, Alberta. That is intermittent and with long pauses.

My oldest son, Shaun who lives 10 minutes from me, has distanced himself. We had to walk out of the Movie Bambi when he was a toddler because he couldn't deal with his emotions. We spent countless hours watching Sesame Street together with him sitting on my lap but when a certain segment came on about the letter I, with very ominous music, he would jump off my lap and leave the room. It disturbed him. I don't really understand his sensitivity but I can't judge. No doubt he doesn't understand himself and his responses either. It has taken me a lifetime of trying to understand my own and still don't know for sure. He did the same when his Dad was in the dying process. He couldn't communicate with him or go into the same room although they had been the greatest friends for 17 years. I believe he can't deal with anything emotionally painful. He is a very sensitive being and has been hurt profoundly in his teen years with the death of his father and the betrayal by his First love with his best friend. My situation is too difficult, I am sure, for him to deal with. Why he has stated that he doesn't know what to talk to me about. He is however, always happy to see me and gives me a big hug. That is reassuring. We have no discord between us. At least as far as I know. Perhaps he holds some resentments from his childhood that I am unaware of. I don't think I will ever have an answer to that question.

Regardless of all the work I have done within myself to come to grips with all the individuals and circumstances, including my sister, the one person I really need today and have had to divorce because of her bullying. The bottom line is that TODAY, I find myself without any family around to comfort me or provide me with youthful life, laughter, going down memory lane, distractions and support.

This must be what it feels like for an orphaned child who doesn't have the luxury of having the memories that I do for sustenance. I cannot even attempt to walk in their shoes. Life just isn't fair and I am pissed off with it all.

~ Tutte ~