Friday, November 12, 2010

Fractured Existence

It's been a horrific week of major Insomnia again. I don't know what causes this to happen but I have barely slept more than 4 hours a day/night and not always in a stretch. I know the underlying cause is my profound sorrow and financial worries but I often seem to keep them at a distance. However they are a constant underlying current that I can only suppress for so long. Tonight, I was so exhausted that I had to go to bed at 7PM which is totally opposite to the early 7AM that I have become familiar with. I woke up at midnight and didn't know if it was noon or night.

I am so grateful to have Computer Games to play that distract me from the Internal Dialogue that plagues me and I spend far too many hours gaming versus what I would really enjoy and would provide me with a sense of personal satisfaction and productivity. I am stymied. I know what I would love to do but have no means to make it possible. With my current life pattern that is so out of sync with Normal life, I have to find an avenue to pass the time. I abhor this way of living and so desperately wish it wasn't so.

I am SO Sad and Frustrated and don't know anymore how to extricate myself without some financial means. Still waiting for the Government to give me that outlet. I could phone and initiate a conversation around my Income Tax Adjustment claim but I am so hesitant to do that. My primary reason is that as long as I don't know I have been denied, I can keep Hope Alive. I need that desperately. It's my only link to a happier future. Should I discover that I am denied, I will be totally CRUSHED and then someone just give me a rope. What then is left?

~ Tutte ~