Saturday, August 21, 2010

Again, Again and Again

It's bedtime once again and I have such resistance. I don't want to go there even though I will find a temporary escape. The mood and environment although mine is somewhat better is very similar to what I have now. For too many years, I have had to sleep with either the TV or the Radio on in order to distract myself from my own thoughts that cause such Anxiety. This is not a way to go to sleep. I DON'T want to Wake up to the Nightmare of my Existence. It's no longer Life. Existence is all that is left to me except for what I create in my own way. Bits and pieces of this and that. No purpose, no meaning. No options in terms of my choices. I know others would think I have some but they aren't living in my heart and mind. Nor have ever walked in my shoes for the last 30 years.

In my earlier life, regardless of where I lived, I always went to bed with a good book. Can't do that any longer as I am not able to concentrate, have no reading light and find no subjects of interest as I don't find any comfort in escaping into someone's else's world of fantasies. No doubt there are a lot of Biographies that would capture and inspire me but this environment is just not conducive. Nor can I watch Movies. I so wish this could change but no idea how to make it happen. I seem so totally blocked and stuck. I need a lightning bolt to strike I think. It's one of reasons I have isolated myself. I just don't want to be reminded of what once was that no longer exists and I can't dream of creating. I have a multitude of wishes and dreams but no means to make them happen. How does one overcome that?

Perhaps just a cozy bedroom would help. The following picture shows what I would like to reproduce on a minor level. This was my favorite bedroom and the one I created after Arch died and I had to move. I loved this room because the early morning sun streamed through my window and at night I had a view out on to the patio and the sound of the small water feature that was running and I found so soothing.

Notice the bookcase filled with my favorite books. One of many bookcases throughout my home. Both my husband and I were avid readers. I have given away 100's of boxes of books to Charities thoughout my countless moves. More are to come with the next move. Always a painful exercise since I have treasurd them all.

The wall of my favorite family photos.

What I viewed outside my patio door. What can replace that today? NOTHING in this place except the constant Noise and Ongoing Stress. I expected it to be a very peacful space living next to an old forest at the end of a cul'd'sac but the noise level reminds me of living in the heart of a major city. The last time I experienced anything like it was when I was living downtown Montreal. Totally shocked me when I discovered my misperception. Had I known, I would never have moved in here. I was looking for peace and quiet as I was in the throws of the most difficult physical pain I had ever had to deal with. Alone! I thought I was making the best decision but it turned out to be the worst EVER which now leaves me doubting any future decisions. I so desperately want and need to move but have no idea of the How, the Where or the Means to pay for it. It's a huge cunundrum for me today. I thankfully, no longer have the same physical problems as before but I am getting older and no longer physically sound due to years of disabilty and immobility. My options now continue to become more limited according to my decreased income that I can barely survive on. It's Existence and nothing more as I have mentioned countless times. On that level what is Life for? It must have a deeper purpose. Spirituality is the only answer for me. Whether that is true or not will only be discovered in another lifetime I suspect. It might even become for challenging as a Diamond is only created through Fire and a Pearl by Irritants. It's a Process and one must accept that, however difficult.

~ Tutte ~