Wednesday, July 21, 2010


I have not figured out why I go into major periods of Insomnia. I am suffering from that at the moment and have only slept 10 hours in the last 3 days. I try to do what I can to change it, stay awake until my body screams for sleep only to wake up 2 hours later wide awake. Without the necessary sleep, I become sick to my stomach and loose my appetite.

The only conclusion I can come up with is that there is an undercurrent of profound stress in the background of my mind that won't allow it to rest. I shouldn't be surprised since I normally spend most of my waking hours suppressing all my negative emotions for fear that I will have another Major PTSD attack. Have no desire to have another one of those if I can avoid it. It's been a few months since my last and starting to feel more normal.

There is no doubt that it is related in my finances. With the pittance I receive from the government I don't know how to survive and it leaves me in a great deal of fear for the future. I have to itemize everything I purchase for my daily needs to ensure I can get through one month at a time. There will never be anything for clothes, or emergencies. I cut my own hair to save the money. This is a hopeless situation and leaves me without any control/options and hope. Prison inmates have their needs met. Makes me wonder why we can't provide the same benefits to the elderly who have worked and lived honourably all their lives.

Will I be able to sleep tonight? Have no idea.

Postscript...(I slept for 12 hours with the assistance of some meds and not something I use unless I am desperate.) I felt like a different person today.

~ Tutte ~