Friday, July 16, 2010

Trapped by Life's Circumstances

It has taken me years to realize why I have such a difficult time relating to others and they with me. There is no commonality in our experiences any longer. The underlying cause of my Loneliness and Isolation.

Everyone's life is filled with tragedy, challenge, illness so we can all relate on that level. What sets my experience apart is the fact that my life was so profoundly altered on every level in a short period of time. It was abruptly changed from living a certain lifestyle for 50 years into one I can't identify with. I once had a home, a job, health, a devoted husband, children, an extended family, gardens, hobbies, love and support. They are ALL GONE. And I mean ALL. There is no continuum from the life I once led to the one I have today. There is not a thread of semblance. NONE.

I can't wrap my brain let alone my heart around this situation. I believe that only those who have lost EVERYTHING can relate and why I am so sympathetic to the victims of Katrina, the Tsunami, the Haitian Earthquake, and all other major catastrophes around the globe. Those who have lost everything including their families and have no idea what to do or where to go for help. Of course there are differences between theirs and mine. Theirs was sudden and immediate and mine has been a prolonged process. I at least have a roof over my head and food on the table. Thank God, since it has allowed mind to integrate the events slowly to come to some form of acceptance however much I abhor my situation. No doubt, the long term effects are the same and why people suffer from PTSD. What if anything, can help such a Profound and long lasting sense of Sorrow? Medications and Counseling are only band aids to help one cope.

In reality, I don't have a fucking clue of the WHY of it ALL. (No apology for my expletive.) Of course one asks oneself, what did I do to deserve this and the answer is NOTHING. I expect this is the question on everyone's mind when confronted with such personal devastation.

No doubt why the need for a Spiritual Belief system in all cultures. The mind cannot accept that life JUST HAPPENS. Why does one seal become victim to an Orca versus all the other's in the Ocean? It seems we all need to have an explanation or justification.

If one has a spiritual philosophy of how God operates, one may be able to come up with some explanation that brings personal comfort. I have definitely gone down that path myself but the end result is that there is no answers except those we conjure up for ourselves in order to make sense of it all. Sadly, I have run out of those today but they kept me going for a long time....

There are those who think Hell is the destination for those who have committed wrongs and need punishment. Hell in my opinion, is living in a constant state of Pain, without Hope for an escape. Eternal Suffering. For me, it is Here, Right Now. Since I have lived my life honourably and without hurting anyone, the concept of Punishment doesn't fit.

I know exactly what I would need to alter my experience and to interrupt the continuum but have no ability to do that. That is the greatest sadness of all and what makes it seem so hopeless. There are relationships that I will never be able to replace but having a cozy nest in which to reside and a little patio on which to grow some plants and a small emergency fund would sure help. I have lived without any sense of Security for 30 years. And looking into the future, I never will.

In order to change anything requires some financial assistance ( a little Manna from Heaven) and there is none available beyond the pittance I receive from the government to provide for food and rent. Needless to say, I feel Trapped by my circumstances.

I had a real need to express this and I just did.

~ Tutte ~