Sunday, December 26, 2010


I Absolutely Love this picture. It reminds me so much of who I was as a little girl and who now inhabits a grown up body with far more serious aspects of life to think about.

I call that part of myself, The Observer. I don't know why I have always had this ability but it has served me well and taught me greatly. Most importantly, kept my Ego diminished and why I have never initiated conflicts. When I am confronted by other's needs to express theirs, I tend to step back and ask why? What is their motivation and intention? In doing that, I am able to gain some sense of understanding as I attempt to walk in their shoes. It's a difficult task and not always successful. It does however remove the sting from the wasp who does so because it feels threatened.

I have discovered that most people react out of fear, usually one they are totally unaware of. We are such fragile creatures and need constant validation. When we don't receive it or are so shut down that we can't even recognize it when the gift appears, we get in a defensive stance. An attack upon another is the inevitable outcome.

Fortunately I gained this wisdom in my teens when at 18, I moved into my first apt./room that was 15' x 8'. No bigger than a closet and without a TV or phone. I spent my nights with just my thoughts and a few books. I moved there in order to save money for my first trip back to Denmark to visit my relatives. I lived there for 5 months and they were probably the most challenging and fruitful years I have ever spent in terms of thinking about who I wanted to become as an adult and what values I wanted to incorporate in my life.

Based on the circumstances I have endured over the last 6 years, I find many similarities. The contemplative and observer in me is ever present. It allows me to step back and view what is going on whether physical or mental and put it into some perspective. I may not be able to change anything in the moment but at least I have an awareness and can think about the why and how. Without intially understanding the traumatic effects of PTSD, it was impossible to contemplate changing anything, always feeling out of control. Now that it dissipating, I feel so hopeful that I can regain some control over my future. I know I will.

I feel greatly blessed to have received this ability from birth.

~ Tutte ~