Saturday, September 25, 2010

Hiding Behind a Mask

A follow-up to the post below, I must add that in order to fit into and feel acceptable I applied many masks, especially in my youth. I did that via having jewels, clothes, beautiful furniture, crystal glasses, sterling silverware and a furcoat. All before I was 30 on a meager income.

I didn't realize at the time, it was a form of mask to hide behind and how it would impact others. Rather than making me seem more acceptable or friendly, I was viewed as arrogant, intimidating and distant regardless of my efforts to befriend others with my humorous personality. I never bragged nor told anyone of what my home or possessions were. I guess how I dressed said it all! I still can't believe I was able to attain all I did materially on such a small income. I expect working 2 jobs for 6 years and being very frugal was the key. I was not into instant gratification. I had a dream, a vision and a goal. Having a beautiful and comfortable home was primary and why today, not having that for the first time in my life is so devastating.

In retrospect, I guess all my efforts and sacrifices in order to achieve my goals, gave me a sense of self-esteem that was not experienced by others I came in contact with. Few people in their youth really have goals and dreams. I expect they looked at me and wished they had.

Dramatic changes have occured over the years. I no longer have any masks to wear. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't know what it could possible be. I am so removed from any investment in the material world or possessions or trying to impress anyone. I am finally free and don't care what anyone thinks. I have finally discovered my True Self with all my Weirdness and shortcomings. Have to admit that there are parts of me that I am not too happy with since they don't seem to serve me well, even in my isolation but I expect that is an aspect of PTSD and depression. I am working on improving those.

However having a cosy home is still my priority. We all need a nest that seems secure and safe. Even in my youth when I lived in Bachelor apartments, they all left me with a feeling of cosiness that I have never experienced here. I crave that more than I can ever express. It was the focus of my entire life. Regardless of what was happening externally, I always knew I had a place in which to find comfort. I havenn't experienced that for the last 6 years. Still unsure if I will ever achieve that again and why my profound sense of hopelessness.

~ Tutte ~