Thursday, September 16, 2010

The Ghostship of My Fears

Is ever on the Horizon and causes a continued state of Anxiety. I have a difficult time going to bed at night because the constant fluttering butterflies in my stomach won't allow me to relax. I don't understand why this happens. What is it about facing tomorrow that is so abhorant to me? Well, I guess I do know. It's the repetition of the same sense of hopelessness, the financial worries and the constant need to supress my desires and the Aloneness.

My Rational mind is able to Observe what is going on and recognize how insane this stress is and yet I seem immobilized to do anything about it. When it becomes really Extreme, I take an anti-depressant and it helps. I rarely take them. Maybe 5 over the last 4 months. I know they are addictive and don't want to go down that path. The same with sleeping pills. I only take one, 3 so far over 4 months when I have an early appointment and must wake up. Took one last night since I had to get up in the AM and 10 minutes after I took it, I felt stoned and had to hold on the furniture as I went to bed for fear of falling. Not good.

~ Tutte ~