Thursday, August 26, 2010

When in Pain

When I am in a great deal of pain and distress, I wish I could reach out a hand to my beloved for comfort. I have been left to deal with everything alone since his death. I guess I always have, even through the years of Arch's financial struggles and I kept trying to remain positive for both our sakes as he did. He WAS always there for me in all other areas whether in relationships or employment struggles.

However, it was often a very lonely place for me to be in. There was no one I could share with since I didn't wan't to diminsh him in any way even as I witnessed the threads unravelling as he became older and his struggles to stay afloat took a great toll on him and eventually led to his death.

It has always been in my character to put other's first. Not sure why but I suspect it had to do with the pain that was inflicted upon me as a child. It was then I came to realize, I never wanted to inflict pain on another. It was a Commitment I made at the age of 18 when I was spending my evenings in a small room without any stimulus and began thinking deeply about life and what I wanted to adopt as my personal philosophy.

It rarely served me well except to leave me guilt free and with a clear conscience. I approached all conflicts with the attitude that I had broad shoulder and could carry any burden and if you wanted to lay the blame for your errors at my feet, so be it. I could carry it. And I did. I knew I was being true to myself whether other's recognized it or not. Eventually I think others grew to learn how formidable I was. Eventually their respect grew and they backed off. There is a bully on every playground or someone who won't take responsibility, my sister being one of those, but eventually they have to back down because they know they can't win in their perceived battle. I have never had a need to battle or have the upper hand. It goes against my grain. All I want and have ever wanted is Peace.

I expect that is the priceless gift that most don't recognize is available to them. I wouldn't trade the peace of mind for any comfort that I might have had. It's difficult at times to put into perspective in the midst of suffering regardless of their source. But the True Nugget of Gold in all this is that because of having made that Choice, I have never felt Victimized. Just very hurt and disappointed in people. Also in the recognition of the true goodness, generosity, Empathy and Compassion that I have been the recipient of throughout my life. I have come to recognize that the bullies are those that need our love and compassion the most. They are indeed wounded souls.

~ Tutte ~