Saturday, July 10, 2010


Having suffered from various disabilites over the last 15 years, now most resolved via surgeries, I have no idea how to incorporate a new freedom of movement. I still have a few residual ones that shouldn't impede my ability to walk. In the process of long term immobility, the muscle mass has diminished greatly, especially in my legs and I no longer have the strength and endurance. For several years, I wasn't able to bend over. Muscle memories have to be rejuvinated.

I have a fear of falling when venturing out since I can't get up if I fall. I did that several weeks ago in the mall. Fortunately I had assistance but it limits me in terms of the areas I could choose to have a walk. I live next to a wonderful forest with many pathways, but I know if I should stumble over a root and no one passing by to help me up, I could lie there helpless for hours. Leaves me with no sense of security. I don't own a Cell Phone so couldn't call for Help.

I have had a frozen left shoulder for the last 10 years due to a fall that doesn't allow me to lift or move my left arm. So, as much I want to think I am back to normal, I am always reminded how limited my movements are. Can't curl my hair or wash part of my back without the assistance of a long handled brush. As a result the stength in my arm has dimineshed greatly, In fact, the strength I used to rely upon for daily actitivies is all gone. Today I have to force myself to wash my dishes. That's a very difficult thing for me to admit.

After several X-rays, Scans,etc. I was told I have Rheuamatoid Artheritis in my shoulder along with Spinal Stenosis. Had to look that up on the Web. The prognosis is not too optimistic. Not surprised about the latter since I have had 5 major episodes with Ruptured Diss. No doubt there the scar tissue has an impact. Does that mean I will live in a state of ongoing disability? I expect it does.

My focus today regardless of how insurmountable it seems, is to view myself as someone without ANY disabilities except those that I impose upon myself by my attitude and thoughts. So far I've not been very successful, so much still to learn.

However, I comfort myself with the fact that 'nothing ever stays the same'. Living is about change regardless of how long it seems to take. I do belive in my Heart of Hearts that if something would come along to bring me hope and excitement that my body would respond positively. It has served me so well in the past.

Perhaps in that aspect, I am a bit dillusional since age has caught up with me. But I do think that as long as I retain HOPE, I can change the future.

If not, SOMEONE, Please Provide me with a GUN.

~ Tutte ~