Monday, June 7, 2010

Some of the Gardens I have Created

I have been gardening since I was 5. My parents were gardeners and the Passion resides in my Genes. I have spent every available hour in my gardens or visiting nurseries between Spring and Fall for over 40 years. During the winter months, I would study garden books and replan my garden design. I have dabbled in drawing and painting but the garden was my living pallet and where I felt totally Grounded and at Peace despite the external turmoil. They also provided great subject matter for my other hobby, Photography.

After my husband died and my subsequent health problems, I no longer have that outlet. I was 95% immobile for 10 years as I underwent 2 knee and 1 hip replacement surgeries. Today I live in a 450 sq. ft. box with no light. I Abhor IT. It is so far removed from what I crave and yearn for. I have always had beautiful and cozy spaces that I could nest in. My home was my pride and joy and where I felt comforted. That is impossible here. My Existence today is totally opposite to the person I was and want to be again. I don't have the financial means to change it so feel very trapped. The loss of my gardens is as painful as the loss of my husband. I was so passionately in love with both. I once was in Enraptured with life but today, I just Exist. It feels like living on Death Row when one is denied everything that gave life, Meaning and Purpose. Without the ability to change anything, I wake up every morning wondering how I will accept this situation once again. It seems I do so there must be more for me to learn and accept.

~ Tutte ~