Monday, June 21, 2010

The Last Time I Felt Really Alive

I have only had a few hours of feeling Totally Alive and in a familiar pattern in the last 7 years.

It occurred when my youngest son Ryan (picture above) came for a brief visit 14 months ago from Japan where he has been living for a many years.

I woke up with a joyful purpose of having to pick him up and spend a few hours with him. This would have seemed so minimal in my previous life when I might have considered this an annoyance or distraction. However on that day, it was my only focus and I was 'In the Moment'. The anticipation of seeing him again after a long time was almost too hard to bear but I can remember every curve in the road as I drove for 40 minutes. He was staying with a friend since I don't have the space here. That is difficult for me to acknowledge. I had lived in large homes with many bedrooms prior to this 'box'. Hate this!

There was an instant of surprise and and a 'time stood still' moment as we looked at each other and absorbed the new visual impressions. We had both changed and become older. The Smile and Huge Hug dispelled any discomfort of time and distance and instantly returned to the familiar relationship between a mother and a son. I absolutely loved it. I had so many questions and he was very forthcoming with his news. Sadly it was far too brief. I only got to spend 8 hours with him over 2 weeks. All justified. That is the last memory I have of a life now left again in the fog of despair. I so desperately need to have a purpose and function to awaken to involving family.

~ Tutte ~