Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Isolated behind the Walls of My Own Creation

It's difficult for me to explain to anyone why I have had a need to Isolate myself and become a recluse.

Imagine if you were a War Veteran suffering from PTSD and all you were exposed to when you ventured out, were people who own a gun, take for granted the ability to shoot, who love hunting and all there is in your neighbourhood is one shooting range after another. Each exposure inflames the disease you suffer from which those who haven't been fired upon AND feared for their life, can ever understand.

I don't mean to be disrespecful to War Vets or compare my own experience to theirs but I do believe that our response is similar. The difference between their experience and mine is that once they come home, the immediate stress is over. In my case, it is ongoing and has been for 30 years without any respite. Versus the firing range, mine is my neigbourhood of lovely homes and gardens. What I once so loved. When I drive around I see countless homes I have lived in and bring back so many treasured memories.

My friends live in similar homes and take their lives for granted and so they should when that is their life experience. They partake of all things I wish for, travelling, entertainment, eating out etc. etc. as I did in the now distant past and can never envision doing again. For the first time in my life, I have become envious. Not jealous. Just envious. I want all of them to have wonderful lives which they have earned and deserve but envious because I wish I still had the availability to experience the similar lifestyle I had in the past before SHIT hit the fan. Today, I am covered in excrement and have no idea how to clean myself. I just want what they have and that I had in the past. Is that wrong? Do I need to feel guilty about being Envious? I think not. I don't. But hate the feeling. It has never been part of my personality. Am just grieving for the life I once had and never will again.

~ Tutte ~