Monday, May 31, 2010


The smell of rain is magical to me. I just opened my balcony door as I was heading off to bed to find myself overwhelmed by the sweetest of all aromas. The scent of a soft downpour in the Spring, falling on virgin growth of everything coming alive. A smell like none other. It brought back so many memories. When I had my gardens, I would go slug hunting under an umbrella or just simply stick my head out my window or stand in the doorway to inhale this most delectable aroma. Tonight, I was reminded of how much I miss the ability to do that now but at least I still can when I remember to stick my head out my balcony door. I have a major attitudinal problem as to what degree I want to be reminded of what I miss so profoundly and brings up so much grief versus so many joyful memories and current experiences still available to me.

I have discovered in the last 6 years, that if I am reminded too much of the joys I experienced in the past, I develop major anxiety and grief. Today I rarely allow myself to go there and why my need to totally isolate myself so I have more control over any stimulus that will affect me negatively. I am totally aware of how much pleasure and joy is available to me if I were more open to live in the moment but I haven't reached that level of growth yet. Perhaps because I keep being blindsided by the negative and unwanted. This entire life exercise of mine is a huge exploration into a foreign territory without a map or navigational tools. I am sailing by an unfamiliar guidance system but with faith that I will reach a friendly shore someday. My wish is that the journey doesn't continue for much longer. The wind seems to always be ahead of me versus at my back. I so desperatly need to find a safe harbour. The ropes that keep my sails functional are becoming frayed.

~ Tutte ~