Saturday, May 22, 2010

Buried Behind My Dreams

It just occurred to me that my problems related to my major depression is based in the fact that I am a dreamer. Always have been. It sustained me in my childhood and in early adulthood when I sat behind a machine 11 hours a day punching keys. A mindless exercise but one I was good at so it let my mind wander and fantasize. It has been the source of my nurturance when I had my gardens and dealing with unexpected external financial stressors. And of course they do today when I sleep. My escape from the 'prison' I perceive my existence to be. Dreams are another word for Visualization. We do both and it's the same process. It's in order to manifest some deep seated desire we have for ourselves and others. Every good deed I believe, begins with a dream or vision. It's our ability to fulfill them that gives us a great deal of satisfaction and personal fulfillment. They are the motivator for all innovations and adventurous expeditions. The areas in which we dream vary from person to person and none are better than others. It's about being able to express the creative source within each of us.

In the last x number of years, because of external/physical/financial circumstances, I have lost the ability to's really another word for Hope. Hope is the Essence of Life. I try to conjour up some dreams for the future......and I have, knowing exactly what they look like but I don't know how to manifest them. They are the undercurrent of my daily existence and what creates such grief for me. It's that constant exercise in suppressing them that is the most difficult to deal with. Now I am faced once again with the prospect of unfulfillment as my income has been so dractically reduced. As Merkle wrote in his book, "The Meaning of Life", it was the people in the concentration camps who lost hope that didn't survive. So to me, that implies that as long as we have a thread of Hope to hang on to, we have a chance and will persevere. For those who no longer feel they have that thread, there is only one outcome. What that thread is, is dependent on the individual being. Hope is the Fuel of Life. Without it, there is just Existence.

~ Tutte ~