Dreamer

"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world".

~ Oscar Wilde ~

I expect that is why I am so resistant to going to bed. I don't want to face another dawn/day with nothing to do and without a purpose. I much prefer to dream my life away during the daylight hours.

My dreams are filled with activity, interactions, creativity etc. That is where I Really Exist today. Far more enjoyable. In fact, I wake up most of the time absolutely in awe of the experiences I have had. The 'real world' is mundane and depressive when one is Alone and in comparison. It is evident obviously, that my mind is a very fertile ground and I am so grateful. Of course it always has been so I shouldn't be surprised but I continue to be.

Every dream is like a little miracle. Am always astounded by what it creates that has no correlation to any experiences I have ever had. It is really like entering into another dimension. Thankfully I remember most of them even if in just snippets. My step-daughter Susan who has an interest, has always said I should write a book about my dreams but I can't. In retrospect and often during the experience, they are a Kaleidoscopic. Scenes and events change so quickly.

Currently my Dreams are filled with Computer games since I spend a lot of my waking hours playing those. They help pass the time. What amazes me profoundly, is that in my dreams, I create my own, with graphics, puzzles and solutions that I have never played. I am able to return to a puzzle and complete it even with a bathroom break. It just blows my mind, how is my brain able to do that? It must to be tapped into something beyond my comprehension. I expect is. Am I weird or what?

I have no explanation for any of this!!! Is there a Supreme IP somewhere out there in the Ether? I expect there is and find that very exciting. Probably the Ultimate Mother Board we are all hooked up to and depending on our software, we will have quicker access than others. I have no idea why my mind came up with this analogy tonight but the more I think about it, on many levels, the more sense it makes. Our brains are all mini computers that operate the functions of our physical beings. Our hardware. There is also the component of software that we are not conscious of and very different. Our Mind and 'Heart'. The Software certainly wasn't something we chose in our childhood. Our circumstances and experiences vary from one extreme to another but as we mature, we have the option in self-awareness, of upgrading to something that runs more efficiently and meet our current needs. We should be able to continue to upgrade depending on our intentions and personal growth.

Can't believe this thought just entered my mind and will have to explore that further. But on one level it does make sense since I have for a long time, defined GOD as Universal Intelligence. The exercise of exploring this will provide me with some food for thought in the coming days. That's a good thing.

~ Tutte ~

The Summer Outside

During these months of spring and summer which were my favorite seasons in the past, today I only experience them through the cracks of the blinds and the odd whiff of sweet perfume that comes through my open windows. I would love to be outside and yet have very mixed feelings when I take a trip to the grocery store. Every stimulation I encounter is a sensory reminder of what I miss so much and longingly wish to recreate. How to describe that to anyone, I don't know. I have always been an outdoor person but in my own gardens and when I had a purpose. When I do venture out these days, I feel totally lost/purposeless and I rush home to hide again behind my blinds. I just can't stand the pain.

~ Tutte ~

When Love Looked at Me

The weekend has come to a close once agan and I am grateful since I will be relieved from having to relive all the images and memories that are imbedded in my brain. For whatever reason, it is much easier to put them into the background versus the weekends.

The above is my favorite photo because my eyes express so much love for Arch. It was taken during our wedding reception. Were he here tonight, I would look at him the same way.

The double strand of cultured pearls around my neck was his wedding gift to me.

~ Tutte ~

Cherry Season

I wait all year for this season to arrive since Cherries are my favorite fruit and I have discovered I can eat them without my uppor plate. No pits or hard skin. Needless to say, I pig out for about three weeks and then have to wait another year to indulge.

I shall always hold cherries deep in my memories since my beloved Grandfather had many trees in his garden of different varieties. My favorite were the red and yellow ones and now can't remember their names. Morelles perhaps. They seemed the sweetest. I remember one summer when my sister and I had to take the train for our summer holiday, he gave each of us a shoe box full of cherries to enjoy on the ride.

It seems the cherries I purchase today are so much bigger than ever before and I can't help but wonder if they have been manipulated in some way or it's a particular genus. There are so many things about the food we eat today that we know little about. Nothing is ever as it appears. Too much genetic Engineering. So sad! I loved it when I grew my own vegetables. The tomatoes were so de/luscious and the corn could be eaten raw off the stalk and tasted like candy. Today what I get at the grocery story is so starchy and tasteless unless locally grown. Fortunately I live in a place that produces fabulous vegetables and fruit during the eary spring and summer months. How blessed am I? Only wish I could eat them today but they can't be gummed.

I have many questions around what we eat today. I have always cooked everything from scratch including my own soup stocks but was not fanatical. It just tasted so much better. Without the ability to enjoy food as in the past, it matters little today. I eat something/anything in order to survive versus flavour and texture. Saddens me profoundly as I was a Gourmet cook and enjoyed the meals I created. Continued to cook delicious meals for myself until my mouth and plate problems.

~ Tutte ~

Intimacy

It's another weekend and when I am reminded once again of the lack of Intimacy I once shared with my Beloved. Not to imply it was the weekend's only but it seems to surface for me during these days. Probably based in our courtship years where we didn't have a job or children to wake up to. The only obligation we had to focus on was to make those two days the most precious/pleasurable for both of us and indeed we did and why my memories are so vivid.

~ Tutte ~

Thoughts

Thoughts have great power,
they are like seeds you plant in your mind.
The more you hold onto a particular thought,
the more power you invest in it.
Positive thoughts give us energy and strength.
Negative thoughts rob us of power
and make us feel tired and strained.

We are by nature positive.
Negativity is the result of faulty thinking.
You can change if you want to.
You can't control other people,
situation or circumstances,
but you can control what is going on inside you.
Be patient with yourself.

It takes time to change and transform those old patterns of thinking.

~Unknown Author~

This really resonates with me on so many levels. Find it to be true since I have observed this throughout my life. Thankfully I have become quite aware of when my negativity predominates my thinking and why I spend most of the early morning hours trying to create new pathways. I have made some headway but it seems a never ending struggle since there is nothing positive that enters my life whether physically or emotionally at the moment to come to my assistance.

I always remember Viktor Frankl, noted Psychiatrist and Holocaust Survivor's quote.

"The last great freedom of man is the freedom to choose his attitude under any given set of circumstances."

~ Tutte ~

Music in My Heart

The Only Notes that play on My Heartstrings. (In chronological order and not in terms of how sweet their sound resonates.) I don't mean to exclude my extended family and friends whom I love dearly but they are on a different scale.

~ Tutte ~

Motherhood

I never had a huge desire to become a Mother. My first pregnancy caught me by surprise but once that first baby arrived (Shaun weighing in at 11.3 lbs) I fell madly in love and discovered for the first time in my life what Unconditional Love really meant. It was and has been the most profound experience of my Life. 2 years later I gave birth to my beloved Ryan. I spent every waking moment nurturing my boys and my husband would often say that I was like a Mother Lion with her cubs constantly on her body. Indeed they were and I thrived on it. Fortunately I had the ability to quit work and become a stay-at-home Mom. I only had a babysitter once. It was a huge sacrifice financially and little did I know how it would affect me in the future but I have no regrets. I would never have traded a moment of future security for the precious moments I spent with my babies.

~ Tutte ~

People Who Love You Will Always Choose to Stay

Refuse

On the path of life, there are several moments and things that we don't like. The water in this photo represents something you hate, but you know it will come your way. Refuse it!

Photo and quote by Sieger Joostens

SOOO Fearful for my Future

INSOMNIA

I have not figured out why I go into major periods of Insomnia. I am suffering from that at the moment and have only slept 10 hours in the last 3 days. I try to do what I can to change it, stay awake until my body screams for sleep only to wake up 2 hours later wide awake. Without the necessary sleep, I become sick to my stomach and loose my appetite.

The only conclusion I can come up with is that there is an undercurrent of profound stress in the background of my mind that won't allow it to rest. I shouldn't be surprised since I normally spend most of my waking hours suppressing all my negative emotions for fear that I will have another Major PTSD attack. Have no desire to have another one of those if I can avoid it. It's been a few months since my last and starting to feel more normal.

There is no doubt that it is related in my finances. With the pittance I receive from the government I don't know how to survive and it leaves me in a great deal of fear for the future. I have to itemize everything I purchase for my daily needs to ensure I can get through one month at a time. There will never be anything for clothes, or emergencies. I cut my own hair to save the money. This is a hopeless situation and leaves me without any control/options and hope. Prison inmates have their needs met. Makes me wonder why we can't provide the same benefits to the elderly who have worked and lived honourably all their lives.

Will I be able to sleep tonight? Have no idea.

Postscript...(I slept for 12 hours with the assistance of some meds and not something I use unless I am desperate.) I felt like a different person today.

~ Tutte ~

Lonely Stairs

The above image brings back so many memories from my childhood. I was the youngest of 3 girls but with 4 years between the three of us it made it very difficult to relate and share our experiences.

I recall spending much of my time alone, sitting on stairs whether at home or at my grandfather's trying to conjure up what activity I could engage in that would be fun and bring me some much needed joy. I spent most of my time drawing clothes for my cut up dolls and fantasizing. Even back then my joy came from my ability to express myself creatively.

In retrospect they seem like very lonely years. My Dad was at work, my mother was preoccupied with her household duties and my sisters didn't want me to tag along.

The only person who provided me with what I needed for comfort and emotional nuturance was my beloved Grandfather Soren. I shall never forget him. He loved me unconditionally.

When we immigrated to Canada, I remember sitting on the stairs of our front porch listenting to the old classics. "The Four Lads, The Diamonds and then Elvis Presley.

When we moved from that home, I remember sitting on the stairs of that porch looking across the street that housed 11 boys. I was coming into puberty and all of a sudden they appeaded to me. I met my first boyfriend, Bernard. I have so many stories to tell around this time but won't do it here. Maybe later.

~ Tutte ~

Sorrow is Picking the Flesh Off My Bones

Surrendering

I spend all my waking hours in the exercise of Surrendering.

It's is a daunting exercise and takes a huge toll both emotionally and in terms of energy. How to move beyond that is incomprehensible to me for the time being. Perhaps in the big scheme of things, it is what is required of me on a Spiritual Level, in order to move forward in my Soul's Growth. Had no idea how difficult this lesson would be nor ever anticipated it would be one I would be subjected to. Unless on a subconscious level, which I suspect I did.

It is the hardest lesson of all since it requires one to wipe off everything and start with a clean slate in terms of the Ego. No wonder it is such a Battle. It's Ego Annihilation and the Ego is the strongest Foe/force within us. IT drives every aspect of our personality, character, perceptions, etc. and how we interact with the World.

I must admit that I quite like some aspects of this experience since I am gaining so much Wisdom. It also makes me aware of how far removed I have become from the World at Large. Who can relate to me....? No One! At least that I am aware of.

I am reaching a point where that is okay as well. We come into this world alone and leave ALONE. How we interpret and integrate what happens to us is what will move us forward. I have never felt victimized or blamed anything/anyone. I don't carry any burdens of guilt/regret and I am so grateful. (I do have a few around my Pets as in why did I think it was okay to have a goldfish and rabbits that had to be confined? No creature should be removed from it's natual enviroment!)

There are no words that I did not share with those whom I have loved and were Departing. Not just on their death beds but thoughout our lifelong interactions. That is a very affirming statement. Must admit that when I am on a real downer, I forget to think of it from that perspective and forget what a gentle/loving person I really am and always have been. Tend to focus on what is lacking in my life today.

I must find a way turn things around in my brain.

~ Tutte ~

Another Weekend and another Empty Bed

Creativity

My mind and life has always been a fertile ground of creativity.

In the past I have tackled most areas in one form or another.
From very domestic type things in my childhood as knitting, sewing and crocheting but my favorite activity was drawing and painting. In my teens, I wanted to become a Commercial Artist but was forced to go to work at 15 so that ended that dream.

I continued to do most on and off all my life until 10 years ago when my world fell apart after becoming disabled and major depression afflicted me.

Photography was another huge hobby that I loved. I created a line of greeting cards using my own photographs.

Due to the lack of space and light I have in the hell hole of a 'cell' I live in today, I don't have the ability to do any. It's heartbreaking for me not to have any outlet other than my Website. I thank God for that!

~ Tutte ~

Different Reactions to Life

Please Listen

When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving me advice,
you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something
to solve my problem,
you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen!
All I ask is that you listen.
Don't talk or do - just hear me.
Advice is cheap - 20 cents will get you both
Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.
And I can do for myself; I am not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can
and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.
But when you accept as a simple fact
that I feel what I feel, no matter how irrational,
then I can stop trying to convince you
and get about this business of understanding
what's behind this irrational feeling.
And when that's clear, the answers are obvious
and I don't need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense
when we understand what's behind them.

Perhaps that's why prayer works - sometimes -
for some people, because God is mute.
and he doesn't give advice or try to fix things.
God just listens and lets you work it out for yourself.

So please listen, and just hear me.
And if you want to talk,
wait a minute for your turn,
and I will listen to you.

~ Author Unknown ~

Trapped by Life's Circumstances

It has taken me years to realize why I have such a difficult time relating to others and they with me. There is no commonality in our experiences any longer. The underlying cause of my Loneliness and Isolation.

Everyone's life is filled with tragedy, challenge, illness so we can all relate on that level. What sets my experience apart is the fact that my life was so profoundly altered on every level in a short period of time. It was abruptly changed from living a certain lifestyle for 50 years into one I can't identify with. I once had a home, a job, health, a devoted husband, children, an extended family, gardens, hobbies, love and support. They are ALL GONE. And I mean ALL. There is no continuum from the life I once led to the one I have today. There is not a thread of semblance. NONE.

I can't wrap my brain let alone my heart around this situation. I believe that only those who have lost EVERYTHING can relate and why I am so sympathetic to the victims of Katrina, the Tsunami, the Haitian Earthquake, and all other major catastrophes around the globe. Those who have lost everything including their families and have no idea what to do or where to go for help. Of course there are differences between theirs and mine. Theirs was sudden and immediate and mine has been a prolonged process. I at least have a roof over my head and food on the table. Thank God, since it has allowed mind to integrate the events slowly to come to some form of acceptance however much I abhor my situation. No doubt, the long term effects are the same and why people suffer from PTSD. What if anything, can help such a Profound and long lasting sense of Sorrow? Medications and Counseling are only band aids to help one cope.

In reality, I don't have a fucking clue of the WHY of it ALL. (No apology for my expletive.) Of course one asks oneself, what did I do to deserve this and the answer is NOTHING. I expect this is the question on everyone's mind when confronted with such personal devastation.

No doubt why the need for a Spiritual Belief system in all cultures. The mind cannot accept that life JUST HAPPENS. Why does one seal become victim to an Orca versus all the other's in the Ocean? It seems we all need to have an explanation or justification.

If one has a spiritual philosophy of how God operates, one may be able to come up with some explanation that brings personal comfort. I have definitely gone down that path myself but the end result is that there is no answers except those we conjure up for ourselves in order to make sense of it all. Sadly, I have run out of those today but they kept me going for a long time....

There are those who think Hell is the destination for those who have committed wrongs and need punishment. Hell in my opinion, is living in a constant state of Pain, without Hope for an escape. Eternal Suffering. For me, it is Here, Right Now. Since I have lived my life honourably and without hurting anyone, the concept of Punishment doesn't fit.

I know exactly what I would need to alter my experience and to interrupt the continuum but have no ability to do that. That is the greatest sadness of all and what makes it seem so hopeless. There are relationships that I will never be able to replace but having a cozy nest in which to reside and a little patio on which to grow some plants and a small emergency fund would sure help. I have lived without any sense of Security for 30 years. And looking into the future, I never will.

In order to change anything requires some financial assistance ( a little Manna from Heaven) and there is none available beyond the pittance I receive from the government to provide for food and rent. Needless to say, I feel Trapped by my circumstances.

I had a real need to express this and I just did.

~ Tutte ~

Hypersensitivity

I always wondered why I am so oversensitive to all my senses and discovered a definition tonight. This was brought on by a flood of memories that surfaced by a whiff of air coming in my windows on a cool summer night.

"Being hypersensitive could be described as being allergic to life. For the highly sensitive person (HSP) a seemingly ordinary day can be overwhelming. Even the most subtle of stimulants a person encounters on a daily basis can be over-stimulating. Energies associated with touch, noise, scent, light, etc. are often too quickly or deeply absorbed by the HSP. As a result, the HSP may become emotionally upset, and/or physically uncomfortable. Hypersensitivity is also associated with a heightened sense of awareness and intuition. This makes being a HSP or empathatic a two-way street."

It was a relief to know that there is some explanation however it doesn't provide me with any relief. I used to think this was a huge asset and a gift to my life but now it has become a burden. It does explain why I am so miserable with my mouth in general and having lost the ability to enjoy food. That's really my biggest burden today. Whatever problems we have with our mouth are ever present.

No doubt, why I find the spring and summer months so stressful as they bring up far more stimulations for me. Loved that in the past but now I can't deal with it.

~ Tutte ~

Sometimes

Sometimes your life feels like it's caving in on you.
Sometimes people really do feel like they don't want to exist,
like they want to just curl up in a ball and go into
that place between life and death saying "I want to go die".
It's saying I wish that for the time being, I could go
somewhere and not have to feel".
I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
and if you don't know how it feels to feel this way,
then you have no place to judge anyone who does.

~Author Unknown ~

Disabilities

Having suffered from various disabilites over the last 15 years, now most resolved via surgeries, I have no idea how to incorporate a new freedom of movement. I still have a few residual ones that shouldn't impede my ability to walk. In the process of long term immobility, the muscle mass has diminished greatly, especially in my legs and I no longer have the strength and endurance. For several years, I wasn't able to bend over. Muscle memories have to be rejuvinated.

I have a fear of falling when venturing out since I can't get up if I fall. I did that several weeks ago in the mall. Fortunately I had assistance but it limits me in terms of the areas I could choose to have a walk. I live next to a wonderful forest with many pathways, but I know if I should stumble over a root and no one passing by to help me up, I could lie there helpless for hours. Leaves me with no sense of security. I don't own a Cell Phone so couldn't call for Help.

I have had a frozen left shoulder for the last 10 years due to a fall that doesn't allow me to lift or move my left arm. So, as much I want to think I am back to normal, I am always reminded how limited my movements are. Can't curl my hair or wash part of my back without the assistance of a long handled brush. As a result the stength in my arm has dimineshed greatly, In fact, the strength I used to rely upon for daily actitivies is all gone. Today I have to force myself to wash my dishes. That's a very difficult thing for me to admit.

After several X-rays, Scans,etc. I was told I have Rheuamatoid Artheritis in my shoulder along with Spinal Stenosis. Had to look that up on the Web. The prognosis is not too optimistic. Not surprised about the latter since I have had 5 major episodes with Ruptured Diss. No doubt there the scar tissue has an impact. Does that mean I will live in a state of ongoing disability? I expect it does.

My focus today regardless of how insurmountable it seems, is to view myself as someone without ANY disabilities except those that I impose upon myself by my attitude and thoughts. So far I've not been very successful, so much still to learn.

However, I comfort myself with the fact that 'nothing ever stays the same'. Living is about change regardless of how long it seems to take. I do belive in my Heart of Hearts that if something would come along to bring me hope and excitement that my body would respond positively. It has served me so well in the past.

Perhaps in that aspect, I am a bit dillusional since age has caught up with me. But I do think that as long as I retain HOPE, I can change the future.

If not, SOMEONE, Please Provide me with a GUN.

~ Tutte ~

Mourning or Morning

It's the dawn of a new Morning and another day of Mourning for me as the Weekend always bring up so much sadness around the years I spent surrounded by my family. Nothing, NOTHING can ever replace that. I have no words to express that enourmous loss. It cuts to the very core of my Heart.

~ Tutte ~

My Ultimate Desire

A New Dawn, A New Day, A New Dimension. Where Eternal Peace and Unconditional Love is ever Present.

~ Tutte ~

Walking on Water

Water is a transitory state without any Foundation. To have the ability to stay Afloat requires an enourmous amount of Faith, Mental Fortitude, Perseverence and Inner Awareness. So far, I am still skimming the surface and always wondering if someday, I will Drown. Most days I wish I would.

~ Tutte ~

What Make Up?

The Entry below is how I wish I would see myself when I look in the mirror as I age. But the above image is far more reflective and relative. It's title is "The Desperation of Old Age".

I could relate to the previous image until the last 10 years when regardless of my age, I felt pretty and feminine. With everything I have endured in the subsequent years, I relate far more to this image.

With the onslaught of PTSD, the loss of my hair, upper teeth, the profound weight loss and skin problems, I have lost any semblance of femininity. To apply Make Up would be a useless exercise. It would be like putting Make Up on a Corpse. That is what reflects back at me when I look in a mirror. A shell of the vibrant person I once was. I don't think there is anyway to recapture that. I live in a building with a lot of older women who still maintain that spark. It passed me by and it saddens me greatly.

~ Tutte ~

MakeUp

Makeup

There is a face in the mirror intently staring back at you
Attempting to recognize the one it views
You are spellbound for one quick moment, in such wonderment
As your eyes meet, and you both realize that it is you

Was it not just yesterday that you were young and naive
Without the wisdom you now hold in your eyes
Now a stranger is boldly looking back with an unflinching gaze
Brazenly daring you to try her on for size

You briefly pause in sheer amazement at these eyes you see
Beaming back at you with a strength unknown
You smile in appreciation and accept yourself as your own
Sit up proudly and put your makeup on

Copyright *Neva Flores @2010

Time According to My Perception

In my perception, TIME is measured by relationships, milestones, emotional and physical events. All contribute to create our memories. The days in between seem to get lost in the ether of the mundane. There is no question that my memories are based in the occurrences that had the greatest impact. Some negatively but just like with Pain that are quickly forgotten, they disappear into the ether. In youth IMO, they are what shape character, personality and build self-esteem.

In the last 13 years, I have experienced so few Memorable Events that the years have been a vacuum devoid of anything but the mundane. I hope that whatever time I have left will be provide a few.

I suspect I had some idea when in my youth, without any real understanding, I made a decision to live life to the fullest, taking many risks with great adventures while I had the opportunity. I was aware that some would come with the cost of emotional pain and immediate security. I took responsibility for anything negative that happened to me. Therefore, I never became a victim. I have no Regrets or Guilt.

It seems to have paid off in terms of the Memory Bank I have today from which I make daily withdrawels and that provide me with some level of comfort.

~ Tutte ~

At It's Worst - PTSD

"at its worst, it is like an invisible dark force that first approaches
then envelops, then appears to fill every waking thought.
you can escape via sleep, but you wake and find your eyes won't open, you lack the energy to brush teeth, shower, speak, think anything other than thoughts of emptiness and despair"

Burdens

I've become very fragile both mentally and physically from carrying such a heavy burden for 30 years. The first 15 years putting others first and the last 15 by myself and all alone. I await the day the Rope will be severed and release me.

~ Tutte ~

Dreamtime

Thank God for my ability to Dream and remember. Have no idea why I have this ability but couldn't live without them. I seem to enter into other dimensions of relationships and creativity. I suspect that the world I now live in, is the worst dream of all. The Nightmare. An illusion. In the Realm of my Dreams, I discover who I really am. Free of mental and physical pain, youthful, agile, and supremely creative. Have the ability to do anything from sports, design, writing music etc. etc. etc. Most importantly, I am always at Peace. I participate as an illusive character and my Observer is ever present from a distance. I have absolutely no Ego investment in anything. That's where I want to reside. I expect, some day I will and leave this Nightmare behind.

~ Tutte ~

Some Days

I suspect that is why I have turned off my phone and answering machine. I have no desire to talk about my problems. Especially since I spend so many of my waking hours trying to overcome all the Negativity I wake up with. Always a Death Wish. After such a huge output of energy and mental rewiring, I can't deal with it being disrupted and having to go through it again later in the day. I have become so fragile that I must protect myself from anything unwanted or unexpected. Regretably it leaves me more and more isolated so it's a Catch-22. At the moment I don't have any idea how to resolve this.

~ Tutte ~

What Is Life Without the Pleasure of Food?

Summer is the season for BBQ's. It's been over 10 years since I have partaken of such a feast. Arch had his own recipe for BBQ sauce and we always had a grill. I loved it.

Since my mouth and new dental plate problems, I have been reduced to food that I can gum. Not exactly Baby Food but close to it. I so desire to have a good T-bone steak or a Prime Rib Roast along with a fresh salad. We take eating and it's pleasure for granted until it is gone. My problem was brought on by Stress. Today, after I have gummed my food, I have a reaction in my mouth that feels like a bag of cotton balls soaked in an astringent and so what should have been a pleasure becomes just the opposite. No doubt, the stress around not eating what one desire's brings it on in the first place. It's a viscious cycle. Without funds to get implants, I will have to live with this forever. What else will come my way I wonder? Never anticipated this problem or so many others. Is it any wonder I suffer from PTSD?

~ Tutte ~

A Connection with an Image

Just stumbled upon this image and it immediately reminded me of my beautiful and unique youngest son, Ryan. It even looks like him. He has been into music his entire life. I gave him his first Smurf Guitar at the age of 3 and he has never stopped playing and creating music. Sadly, he lives in Japan and I don't have the opportunity to see him. He is good at staying connected via IM but it isn't the same. I miss him terribly.

~ Tutte ~

An Unexpected Moment of Validation

I just had an unusual experience on my way to the kitchen to shut things down for the night. I was enveloped with a profound sense of peace and comfort and heard myself speaking out loud. The voices in my head speaking through my mouth were from my loved ones, All stating how much they acknowledged my struggle and the battle I have had and am sill fighting and not to give up. How brave I am to continue. What a lovely experience to go to bed with.

~ Tutte ~

It's the Weekend Again

Wish this could be how I spend part of mine.

~ Tutte ~

SLEEP

My only relief is to sleep. When I'm sleeping, I'm not sad, I'm not angry, I'm not lonely, I'm NOTHING.

~ Jillian Medoff ~

REACHING

How will I ever be able to attain a semblanse of what I love? Some are lost and gone forever but I still have dreams and yet no idea how to reach them. They require some financial options of which I have none today.

~ Tutte ~

GARDENER

My greatest passion apart from my family has been my love for gardening. Have spent all but the last ten years involved in that activity. I have had 3 Greenhouses and discovered my greatest love was in propagation. Didn't matter if was a seed, a root, or a cutting from a shrub or tree. I discovered I could make anything grow. I LOVED it. And what I miss the most today.

~ Tutte ~

Straight Jacket

I feel I am living in a straight jacket every day. How much longer can I keep suppressing my natural instincts and desires?
The days I feel I will end up in an Asylum continue to increase. Just have no idea how much longer I can hold myself together. It's been too long.

~ Tutte ~

Upon Waking

I am showered with a downpour of grief and sorrow. It takes me hours of self talk before I can see a parting of the clouds and let a little sunshine in. What a helluva a way to live.

~ Tutte ~